Deborah’s Story

I was an August intern, from the class of 2000. I was K-Crew, Breakfast Crew – and I LOVED Teen Mania.

Don’t get me wrong – I still believe God brought me there. I had a deep peace that it was where I was supposed to be. And there were many good things He showed me and gave me during my time there. For instance, I had never heard of the idea of His being my husband before I went on my first mission trip with TM. So that year was a sort of honeymoon for me, of sorts. And I made some really tight friendships in the kitchen, because our crew was really close. I still keep in close contact with 3 people from that crew (all of whom have left their faiths since then, though – but that’s a different story, for one of them to tell), and have casual contact with several more.

My biggest struggle that has come between me and God since then, though, started with something I was taught while an intern at TM. I am literally just realizing this as I type it.

It has to do with the whole idea of vision and purpose that they preach. (You remember the 5 year plans we had to write, don’t you?)

Now, the Vision retreats were great times for me – days spent alone with God with only Him as my sustenance.

And the whole idea that God has a purpose for each of us is great.

HOWEVER, even at that time, I felt a little uncomfortable with the idea that He’d give us a step-by-step plan. To me, it seemed to contradict the idea that He wanted us to follow Him – why would we need to follow Him, if we already knew where we were going? So I kept my Vision Statement intentionally vague, and my 5 year plan wasn’t anything I really felt hardcore about.

But that way of thinking, of needing to know my purpose so I could just focus on my vision and not let anything distract me from fulfilling it, seeped into everything. It also kind of combined with the fact that several people told me I had the gift of prophecy. So by the end of the year, I was pretty confident I could hear God’s voice and see where He was leading me – and it ended up directly contributing to one of my biggest crises of faith I’ve ever had.

I thought I was supposed to go on a trip to South Africa, and that it was supposed to be a “faith” mission (no fundraising). I believed it was what God wanted, so I prayed and waited – and the money didn’t come. I spent WEEKS out in the Bach Forte after that, wrestling with God and asking Him why He’d tell me I was going and then not have it happen… I never really got an answer, but I did get Him.

Then I went home, and, like many other people, became angry and depressed. I was prideful, blah blah, pushed people away, confronted those I barely knew, etc. etc. (It seems we all have this in common.)

Then a couple years later I went to college. A nice, Ivy League school. And during my junior year, I met someone. And I was CERTAIN he was “the One” because our meeting corresponded to several “signs” God had given me before I met him, and whenever I sought confirmation, I got it.

Needless to say, he wasn’t “the One.” And I was devastated. That relationship was completely unhealthy and codependent, and he lied to me over and over again – but I kept trying to persevere because I KNEW he was who I was called to be with. And I grew more and more depressed – almost suicidal – as I struggled to reconcile the obvious (that we weren’t going to end up together) with what I believed God had told me (that we would be together). I kept loving him, even though he didn’t love me.

Finally, he met someone else and moved on (thank you, merciful God).

It took me two years to get over him, and my relationship with God went through the exact same thing it did when I was in the Bach Forte, only on a MUCH bigger scale: God, how could you tell me this would happen, and then not have it happen?

It took my roommate confronting me for “opening the door to witchcraft” for all of this to start coming undone.

I began to realize that I was trying to manipulate God. I was trying to make Him do what I wanted and convince Him that what I wanted was actually His will, too. I would hungrily read the Bible like it was a giant fortune cookie, like every verse would reveal my future. This, I later learned, is something called Bibliomancy, which actually is a form of fortune telling and witchcraft (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bibliomancy). I thought I was just “seeking confirmation,” but I really wasn’t.

God kept gently bringing me back to the story of Abraham and Isaac, but I just thought He meant I was supposed to give up this man, and I’d get him back – what God was actually saying was that I needed to lay down control and let Him decide.

Where in the Bible does it say God will tell us a 5 year plan? He gives SOME people hints at the direction He’ll take them, but usually in those cases, it’s when it’s something that sounds impossible, without any way from point A to point B, and it takes complete faith and trust in Him to get there. Like with Abraham, about having Isaac – or Gideon with fighting with only 300 men…

Otherwise, if the “purpose” is something more easily attainable, God doesn’t seem to reveal it (from my reading), because otherwise, the person wouldn’t rely on Him like they should. Does that make sense?

It is only 10 years later, after battling (and overcoming) depression with the help of a counselor, and the gentle remonstrances of kind friends, that I have finally started letting go of “my vision” and resting in God. Now, I have a general idea of my gifts and where I think God might be leading me, but I’m completely willing for God to take me in a different direction, if that’s where He wants me to go. He IS God, after all. And He is trustworthy.

(A big verse that spoke to me about this was actually Daniel 3:16-18, when Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were about to be thrown into the fiery furnace:

“Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.””

I realized, I should view my “vision” the same way they did – “God, I believe you want me to do this, but even if not, and it results in a “death” of some sort for me, I will still follow you.”)

I’ve also started to read the Bible just to learn what God’s voice sounds like – and have let go of trying to force prophecies out of Him. If He wants to reveal something to me, that’s His prerogative.

And I’m also finally learning how to trust Him in terms of relationships. Instead of trying to immediately determine whether someone is “the One,” I’m resting in Him and trusting that He’ll show me. And I’m happy to say that there’s someone I’m very happy to be getting to know right now… without any idea of where it might lead.

Until I sat down and wrote this email, I honestly thought it was me. It was something in me that made me abuse God in this way, and try to manipulate him. And, yes, there was something in me that was naturally ready to do this – I’ve always had a natural affinity for magic and fantasy.

But it was also Teen Mania, with their insistence that we can figure out God’s will and map out our lives. And that makes me angry and sad and hurt that I might not have had to go through what I did if they hadn’t convinced me of the truth of their message.

I am a much stronger, more compassionate woman because of what I have gone through – but I do not thank them for their contribution in that respect.