The End is near:
So all that happens, and then it comes time to apply for a second year. Notice how I haven’t mentioned anything about my 6 month probation from when I wasn’t given a chance to defend myself against an accusation? That’s because I was given a list of requirements, and no one, not my ACA, CA, DI or the Assistant DI checked up on my progress. All my meetings were rescheduled, and rescheduled, and rescheduled. Eventually I stopped trying with them. Well, this is where it came to bite my in the butt.
I applied to be a “Leadership Professional”. I didn’t have aspirations to go into ministry like everyone else on campus. I wanted to be a Security Guard for Teen Mania Ministries, and rise up to overseeing the entire facilities group, taking the position from “Mr. Sunshine”, but that wasn’t going to happen. I was on probation still. So I applied to being on the new “mini” ministry teams since I’m a musician, and wanted to be a sound engineer. No such luck there, I didn’t have enough talent. So I applied for the Ministry Team, just because it was my LAST hope to being able to stay with Teen Mania. Yes, I HATED the thought of going home. I felt at home with Teen Mania even with all the abuse I’d taken, all the lies I was told and secrets I was keeping inside. Eventually I imploded, and felt abandoned again. I was abandoned by my roommates, they never hung out with me except at core functions (which I could rarely attend), and since I was always working opposite shifts from them, I was never able to attend when they did do something as a room. I was abandoned by my core, even with one of the ACA’s being a shift supervisor, and then being called over to the Lifeguard squad, something else I wanted to do since the pool had just opened that year, but was prohibited from, as well as being a shift supervisor. I was abandoned by my focus group, by most of my original friends, and a most of the interns. At least that’s how it felt. So I turned to a female security guard. We hung out all the time, despite my knowing she wanted out. For Pete’s sake, she was going to tell another security guard that she liked him in hopes he’d tell on her, and she’d be dismissed. So we started having displays of affection when alone or no one could see, like in the security vehicle when driving around campus on rounds. Eventually she went to her DI saying she had feelings for another intern and that they’d taken it too far, and held hands and kissed. Of course, next thing I know, I’m being pulled in, not before the Honor Council, but into my DI’s office. I was then told to pack my bags, I was officially dismissed. My heart sank like a rock. I had been dismissed. For the entire 48 hour bus ride home (parents wouldn’t spring for a plane ride) those words rang in my head. When I got home, my parents announced how disappointed they were in me. I don’t think my sister said two words to me for over a week.
The effects of my internship don’t stop there. To “prove” that I was a good Christian, I started attending 3 different churches, and working with each church youth programs. One I was a sound engineer, another I was a lighting technician, and the third, I was an ear when someone needed to talk. Well, one youth pastor, where I was an ear, found out I had just returned from Teen Mania a few months prior. He informed me that he would be contacting Teen Mania, since he had friends there, and would be getting my personal file. Well, he did just that, and was able to get his hands on my file. A few weeks later, he and another youth worker, pull me aside, tell me I’m a sexual predator, and if I want to stay working for the youth group, I would go into the men’s group home that the church had, forsake my family, who had been exiled years before from that very church because my mom was called a rebel for standing up to the pastor, and would have all the pastoral staff looking at every aspect of my life. I told him to shove off, and I wouldn’t do that. I would NOT join another cult. He proceeded to tell me that he was calling all the other youth pastors, and that NO church would ever let me into their youth group. He did exactly as he said he would do. So I was abandoned by one church, time to see what’s next. Another of the churches, who actually “sent” me off to the Honor Academy, pulled me aside, told me not to return to the youth group, and said I was labeled as a sexual predator for the girls in the youth group, and that I needed help. So I go to church that Wednesday, to the only church I know that hasn’t kicked me out yet. The youth pastor walks up to me, puts his arms around me, and whispers in my ear, “I don’t care what you’ve done, or what others say about you, God loves you and so do I. You are ALWAYS welcome in my youth group.” So that’s where I stayed till I felt like it was time for me to leave. Of course, I went from sound engineer, to bass player, to touring with the band after they had recorded an album, and needed to make appearances. I was on cloud nine.
Was the stuff that happened to me at Teen Mania haunting me? The answer is yes, it haunts me, to this day. Do I still feel like I’ve disappointed my family, my church, and my friends? Yes, I do. Have I walked the “straight and narrow” since then? No I haven’t. Why because of that feeling I talked about as a kid when I found out I was adopted, that feeling of abandonment. Even after leaving that youth group, I’ve been abandoned by churches, and Christians since. Have I turned my back fully on God? No, I believe there is a God, but I don’t want an intimate friendship with those that call themselves Christians. Do I read my Bible? No, I haven’t read the Bible since Teen Mania, now that I think about it. At least not in the actual sense of sitting down and studying it like I used to. Am I hurt, battered and bruised by what transpired at TM, am I bitter as well? Yes, but I am trying to heal. I’ve since reconnected with a few people from my internship year.
Some questions I will always ask are, “Will I be whole?”, “When does the feeling like I’ve let the world down end?” and “I wonder what would happen if I was to go back to Garden Valley, TX?” See up until I told Dave Hasz what happened, I was told I was banned from campus, banned from ATF’s, and that I was abandoned by Teen Mania. Dave Hasz told me in an email to come to the first Alumni weekend I could, find him, and expect a deep and sincere hug from him. He also apologized for me having the year I had, and regrets that I am one of the ones that is a Recovering Alumni.
42 comments:
Derek. The 3rd youth pastor, that told you you could stay is a true example of the love of Jesus. We live in a fallen world and how could anyone stamp the word Sexual Predetor on anyone without first having compassion? That’s NOT Jesus.
Jesus is pleased with you and wants you to heal and become whole again. Don’t give up.
May 6, 2010 7:31 AM
Anonymous said…
What is the name of your DI and Manager so we can call them?
May 6, 2010 7:50 AM
‘Derek’ said…
Anon@7:31 – The issue I had with those pastors that did label me as such is, “What in my file would make them think I was/am one?” It’s not like I had had a history of that.
Anon@7:50 – From what I’ve heard, neither are with TM anymore.
May 6, 2010 8:19 AM
Anonymous said…
I don’t get it – how does having a relationship with another intern make you a sexual predator?
May 6, 2010 8:40 AM
Anonymous said…This post has been removed by a blog administrator.May 6, 2010 8:44 AM
Curtis Romano said…
Derek completely off subject did you ever go in the Army?
May 6, 2010 10:03 AM
‘Derek’ said…
No, Curtis I didn’t. I felt that it wasn’t the right fit for me. I truly felt called to TM. Later (after 9-11) I went back and reevaluated the idea, was when I was deemed physically unfit due to back and spine issues. I still wonder daily what I would be like if I had joined up and not gone the TM route.
May 6, 2010 10:17 AM
Shannon Kish said…
Anon,
I find your post disheartening and rude. I can only hope that RA will be deleting it soon!
May 6, 2010 10:48 AM
Anonymous said…This post has been removed by a blog administrator.May 6, 2010 11:18 AM
Shannon Kish said…
Anon- “What is the name of your DI and Manager so we can call them?”
Why does this matter?
May 6, 2010 11:31 AM
Anonymous said…
what an ass you are ANON 8:44….Derek-you should sue TM for sharing your file without your consent….it’s nice and all the Dave wants to give you a hug, but what he should’ve done is go correct your file and then call every person who ever was told you were a sexual predator and then pay for some good counseling for you and your family. For that it’s worth…..I am sorry you had to go through all of this, just makes me mad that they treat people with such disregard and dishonesty.
May 6, 2010 11:33 AM
Curtis Romano said…
Derek- Well to be honest carrying 100 lbs of gear is not good for your back and spine if you already have back issues. I think had you joined the military and not gone TM you might have wondered to this day what TM was like.
May 6, 2010 11:40 AM
Curtis Romano said…
A lot of people might be surprised here. But Anon 8:44 you are honestly a coward. if you have a problem with the way these people are addressing their issues then don’t hide behind the “Anonymous” name and simply make fun of them and then bounce. No-one on this site agrees with my opinion on how they deal with their issues. But at least I’m not a coward and hiding my identity.
If you have a genuine problem address it. Who knows maybe it might help someone out.
May 6, 2010 11:54 AM
Eric P. said…
Good Advice for nasty comments.
Derek – Anon @7:31 is right. Jesus offers unconditional grace, love, and acceptance to everybody, even actual sexual predators (which you’re not!). Anybody who says otherwise has missed the whole darn point of Christianity.
The stories of the follow-up you received from those two churches are the most chilling parts of your story to me. As you may know (Bob), I’m not an HA alum, but when I heard from friends who went there I recognized disturbing parallels between the cult-like atmosphere there and what had happened to me at various other churches and ministries. This led me to investigate what I found out was called Spiritual Abuse. (That site has the best collection of resources.) It helped bring me a lot of healing.
In short, it’s very sad but true that part of the reason HA is able to continue as it has been is that the same kind of spiritual climate is perpetrated in varying degrees in a lot of other places, even many churches. The best thing is to realize what Jesus is like, and what He’s not like.
May 6, 2010 11:59 AM
Anonymous said…This post has been removed by a blog administrator.May 6, 2010 12:11 PM
AnonJane said…
Derek, I sympathize with the way you were treated at TM and after you got back home. I find it completely ridiculous and frustrating that because of what TM’s “personal file” said of you totally tainted the way those churches reacted towards you especially since you couldn’t “defend” yourself against the accusations. This shows one of the problems that so many outside organizations/people completely trust the word of TM without really knowing what goes on there.
Secondly, as I read both parts of your story and your comments it’s apparent that you really did care about campus safety and it’s sad that they’ve missed out on having you help in such an important area.
Thank you for being honest in your feelings. “Will I be whole?” That’s such an important question. It’s unfortunate that your experience with TM is keeping you from answering that question. I truly hope that one day soon you will be able to confidently say Yes.
And finally…”I’ve since reconnected with a few people from my internship year.” What I love about this site is I feel like we get to take back the comradery that we all seem to have lost for being non pro-HA Alumni.
May 6, 2010 12:23 PM
‘Derek’ said…
In Anon@8:44’s defense, I do know who this person is. He made himself plain in the comment, and once I got to see past the red, I knew who it was. They didn’t mean to make the comment sound mean spirited, and this is the same person that posted at 11:18 and 12:11. Reading his comment at 12:11 really will open your eyes to what he is really like. He jerks me around cause he knows he’ll get a rise out of me, but in his remarks didn’t understand the severity of the issue.
@Curtis, yeah, if I had gone military, the roles might be reversed as to me always wondering what TM/HA was like instead of always wondering if I could have hacked it in the military. The back and spine issues didn’t develope until later in life, so when I first wanted to join up, they wouldn’t have been an issue.
May 6, 2010 12:29 PM
CarrieSaum said…
@ Derek,
I wondered as I read your story if the “sexual predator” label ever made you question if you were? I certainly don’t believe that you are, but labels like that can really f*** with our heads. Does it still cause pain for you? (And if it does, I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that label or ensuing treatment.)
Also, I think it is great that Dave apologized to you with sincerity. You deserve that as well. I also believe that you deserve to have your record wiped clean, which can only be done by TM…have they (or Dave) ever offered to send a letter of retraction and apology to those youth pastors? If not, I urge you to ask for this. Also, have they given you any assurances that this type of information sharing will not happen again without an intern’s consent or court order? I think Dave’s apology really is wonderful, but it seems like further action is required here, as well.
I hope you continue on your path of healing. I’m so glad you shared your story. I hope you find love and safety here as well.
May 6, 2010 2:31 PM
‘Derek’ said…
@CarrieSaum, no it didn’t mess me up. I knew I wasn’t one, and in all honesty, I’ve gotten to the point that when I went back to one of the churches a few years later. The pastor apologized for his hasty judgement. Of course, this was after he had asked how I was doing, and I told him what happened at the other church, which was with the same Organization (Assemblies of God) as his church.
As for if I want the other church to have it’s ideaology of me wiped clean, well, I think that youth pastor is no longer there, and the church is more of a cult now then it was before, so I am fine with not going near them.
As for the breach of confidentiality, I have a feeling that the statue of limitations is up for any legal action, of course I could always ask a lawyer I work with, but I think TM owes me an assurance that this won’t ever happen to me, or any other intern.
May 6, 2010 2:45 PM
CarrieSaum said…
Sorry, Derek. I didn’t mean to insinuate that you should sue them or take legal action, just more of a promise from TM that the information sharing will never happen to other interns without their consent or court order. 🙂 I’m a big fan of working things out without the courts, if possible.
May 6, 2010 3:43 PM
Cora Lynn said…
I am so sorry. I don’t know who ‘derek’ is but I am so sorry for every time I drove through the guard booth and never asked how you were doing. Reading these stories on this site make me wish I could go back in time and tried to make everything better. I had a bad experience with TM staff but it was no where near abuse of any type. And I hope in my (too) many years there that I was a part of helping people and not hurting. This all makes me so sad. I do not recommend TM to anyone and talk people out of it when I can.
May 6, 2010 6:47 PM
Anonymous said…
I honestly 100% in every way shape and form don’t mean to sound insenstive with this comment but I really don’t know that you can really ask TM to not share information in your file when it comes to inquiring employers or what not….its just like working at a normal job, if you list it as a reference or whatever people are free to call and find out why you are no longer there….now I do agree thought that if Dave acknowledged you didn’t actually do anything wrong then he definitely needs to “clean” up your file and at the very least send an email to those people that requested the information but honestly I think your in the clear as far as information getting out again as I think they only keep records for 5 years if that….their so disorganized in a lot of ways I wonder if they even have info from this year!!!
Good luck to you bro as you continue to move forward!
May 6, 2010 8:13 PM
Cora Lynn said…
Anyone have first hand experience of when they had hired a third party to do security for overnight? I remember seeing them but not sure how long they were there.
May 6, 2010 8:26 PM
Anonymous said…
I would guess it didn’t last real long as I was there in 02-10 and the only time I ever saw a third party company there was my intern year over Christmas break and that was the local police department I think. they also for the past few years have not had any graveyard shifts as they installed gates a couple years back to “secure” the campus after hours
May 6, 2010 9:21 PM
shouldcareless said…
@ anon:
unless TM is listed as a specific reference (as opposed to just listed as employment), they can’t disclose why someone was fired or give any defamatory information. the third party can verify previous employment, but that’s pretty much it.
and beyond that, i worked in the HA with the interns who handled the files (i even handled files myself) and i can vouch for them. they have a detailed file on everyone who ever came thru there. TM definitely is disorganized in some areas, but this isn’t one of them.
as an aside, i do think it’s completely under-handed to demand that nobody “speak ill” of TM, regardless of their personal experience, and then turn around and give horrible (and in this case, entirely FALSE) information from confidential personnel files to outside sources. it’s hypocrisy in it’s basest form.
May 6, 2010 10:35 PM
Recovering Alumni said…
shouldcareless – That is interesting. What exactly is in these files?
May 6, 2010 10:36 PM
liz said…
Hi Derek 🙂 I wanted to tell you that I too am adopted. I was adopted by my aunt and uncle when my mother died. I was eight at the time. To say the least, my mom(aunt) and I didn’t get along. I too struggle with feeling unwanted. When I was in high school, I started reading The Purpose Driven Life and I couldn’t get past Day 2 (entitled “You Are Not An Accident”).
I never knew my biological father but my family has always suspected a particular man. Recently (I am now 21) my aunt contacted him and asked him politely if he would want to take a paternity test. He said he would but that it would only be for my benefit “to give me answers”. How nice! Talk about feeling loved and wanted! What I’ve realized lately is that it doesn’t matter what other people “think” about you because God knows who you ARE. It doesn’t even matter if other people don’t want you because the God of the universe wants you! Don’t believe that God doesn’t want you because Godly people treated you unfairly. If God used people like Paul (who persecuted the church) to spread the gospel, I’m sure he has great plans for you.
May 7, 2010 1:25 AM
‘Derek’ said…
@Cora Lynn – I was there when TM first hired on an outside company for security. They were unarmed guards, that worked the graveyard shift. They were only to work for the summer as we were spread really thin with Summer Camps, Missions Trips, plus with some of the security guards being tasked to the Lifeguard team (all security guards) after the pool first opened in the spring of 01. As to people saying hi, and seeing how the graveyard shift was doing, well, let’s just say that most GI’s, CEP’s, SA’s, Staff, and quite a few interns would pass by heading out, and when they returned, would have CJ’s, Taco Bell, or some other fast food bag full of food for us. Also, a few of the interns knew I liked chocolate covered coffee beans, and would go get me some if I was on graveyard. Yes, that reveals more of who I am, as well as the nickname from part 1.
@shouldcareless – I’ve never put TM down as a reference, but they are/were listed on my resume because I was wanting to break into the security field more then being a rent a cop. No one has ever had a legit reason to contact TM in regards to my staying with them. Plus, I note on my resume that they were an internship.
May 7, 2010 6:32 AM
Anonymous said…This post has been removed by a blog administrator.May 7, 2010 8:37 AM
Anonymous said…This post has been removed by a blog administrator.May 7, 2010 9:06 AM
Shawna Mizer said…
@ Anon 8:37 I think working for FOUR DAYS straight, without any stopping, is a little bit beyond “hard work”. But hey, I could be totally wrong. It’s not like there are laws or anything against doing that.
In other news, I find it interesting that a lot of the stories have been from folks my year(s), usually people that I know.
Oh, and I was curious as to whether or not the ladies in the stories were punished or not? I mean, if the lady was itching to get dismissed, did she? And the first girl who was in love with the boy, did she get in trouble for that?
May 7, 2010 9:21 AM
layne said…
The last two Anons – Let me explain, children. There is a difference between working hard and following rules and being exploited by people you trust. You may not understand that yet, and that’s fine. We were all young once, too. Seriously, though, this is big kid talk so maybe you ought not interject.
May 7, 2010 9:26 AM
‘Derek’ said…
@Shawna Mizer – Was I in your year(s)?? 00-01?? As for the other ladies, the one itching to get dismissed was dismissed after going before the Honor Council. The other one not to my knowledge.
May 7, 2010 10:23 AM
shannon nelson said…
@Derek – Shawna and I were in your class (00-01).
You are not alone in disillusionment and frustration with the way things were “handled” at the HA. But I am so sorry you went through those things, I feel so bad that you were hurt by them. I also feel bad for neglecting people who had the job of security. I know I knew some of the guys but I wasn’t aware enough as I should have been. Definitely not considerate.
I’m amazed to learn how many people felt alone or abandoned inside the internship, but I know too well the feelings we all had that made us not talk about what was going on. I’m amazed to learn I’m not the only person who constantly “rededicated” their life due to the confused teachings of TMM.
I wish you Christ’s love and wholeness 🙂
May 7, 2010 1:36 PM
Anonymous said…
shouldcareless- I’m sorry but I think this is actually false. I was on staff in the HA mob for several years and starting in 2002 and this actually is not the case. They have files stored in the warehouse for historical data but they do not keep files in the office for longer than 5 years as an anon above stated. Also, these are not as in depth as people may believe, they have your initial application in them, evaluations and any incident reports and thats about it.
Further how is TM to know if they were listed as a reference for the employer calling? If an employer calls needing to know information about a student that went there, TM is legally able to release any information on that student within reason meaning they cannot release contact information or in depth reasonings as to why a student was let go….example: TM can say that a student was let go from the program due to breaking a rule that was established but they cannot say that the student was let go because they were caught having sex in the woods with a student…make sense?
May 7, 2010 1:53 PM
‘Derek’ said…
@anon@1:53 – From what the pastor of that church told me, his “friend” in TM/HA FAXED him a copy of the file, unedited. How can you explain that?
May 7, 2010 3:01 PM
Anonymous said…
because I’m sure there were incident reports written up that were probably in the file. Who was the “friend” as I’m pretty sure thats not a common practice there or approved by anyone in leadership there
May 7, 2010 6:59 PM
layne said…
Anon 1:53 (this Anon posting is out of control…I wish people would use fake names, at the very least):
“Also, these are not as in depth as people may believe, they have your initial application in them, evaluations and any incident reports and thats about it.”
For a ministry, that actually sounds in depth to me. I don’t remember giving my consent to this. Evaluations? Didn’t those happen just about every other week at the HA? I’d prefer they not keep any of this on file. What’s the point of it? Why do they need to store this information?
May 8, 2010 11:51 AM
Shawna Mizer said…
@Derek: Yeah we know each other. We were in the same class, did summer camps together, I became an LP, etc. You might have known me as *insert cool, James Bond smirk and eyebrow raise here* “Shawna Blakely.”
May 8, 2010 3:31 PM
‘Derek’ said…
@shawna mizer – I thought that was you Blakely. And yes, we know each other quite well! *meniacal laugh*
May 8, 2010 7:56 PM
Anonymous said…
Derek- I was at camp with you and returned to the HA in January 01… it really sucks that you went through all of that. I remember you very well and would have never guessed that you were so hurt. I remember you were always so happy and cheerful, friendly to everyone. Though you are working through pain and abuse, I am sure you will heal. You seem like quite the resilliant one 🙂
May 11, 2010 3:12 AM
‘Derek’ said…
Anon@3:12 – Now I am REALLY interested to know your identity. I’m always trying to reconnect with my TM/HA/SC friends. I think for me, that’s a major chucnk of the healing process as I was told I was no longer welcome in the TM circles. Also, thank you for the vote of confidence in the healing process. That means a lot to me.
May 11, 2010 10:44 AM