(2021 Update: This is one post of ~80 that was in the drafts folder and was not archived by the Wayback Machine. The bulk of this post was written by the original RA, but they left a blank third point. I have taken up mantle and write the remaining points based on what I have observed from alumni. Now that the bulk of the alumni have been out for 10+ years, they most likely fall in the third stage.)
I’ve had many parents write to me concerned about their children – both those planning to attend the Honor Academy and those already there. In this post, I’d like to give you a general guideline of what to expect from your child.
The Intern Year – Super crazy spiritual highs! God is awesome!! Being honorable is awesome!! I love it!
Your child will be zealous and you will probably see good behavior changes. But the higher the high, the lower the low. Get ready, it will be coming. Here’s what to expect:
Stages of Adjustment after the Honor Academy:
1) Judgment and Isolation: Your child will realize that none of their previous friends live up to their new standards. And neither does anyone else. They will isolate themselves because of this OR they will judge everyone else so much that they will drive their friends away. They will think they know everything about the ministry and will proceed to judge their pastor and youth pastor. Even you, the loving mother or father, may not escape judgment. They will zealously proclaim their new beliefs to anyone who will listen. As one youth pastor put it, “Do you guys just all magically become asses when you get there?”
2) Confusion and Guilt: Your child’s indoctrination will start colliding with reality. Hard. The fallout will be intense confusion and guilt. “Why can’t I keep my passion? I must not be a good enough Christian. I must try harder.” These are all common sentiments. It can go one of two directions from this point…
a) The “try harder” phase. After being beat down for a year with legalism, there is no easy escape. Your child may buckle down and try harder to control their sin (or perceived sin). They will inevitably fail and feel tremendously guilty. They may question their salvation. They may fall into a deep depression. They may even become suicidal.
b) The “I give up” phase. (At least I hope this is just a phase.) The other reaction to crushing legalism is just to abandon it – and with it, abandon Jesus and all semblance of Christianity. I’ve seen some interns return to the Lord after years of denying Him, but I’m still waiting for others to return.
3) Regression or Recuperation: Your child has experienced a crisis, either a mental health crisis or a crisis of faith. They can come before a fork in the road, either they regress into a belief system more akin to Stage 1 or they pull through in some fashion and integrate into normal life.
a) Regression can take the form of doubling down in one’s poor doctrine or in changing their focus to another questionable group/belief. There was a number of alumni and staff that moved to the International House of Prayer in Kansas City or the Mars Hill church, both of which have some horror stories and/or fringe beliefs. With the rise of Qanon, there have been some alumni that bought into that insanity (or the cult of personality of Trumpism). Anecdotally, it’s much easier to replace a habit than it is to quit it outright. Typically one does not quit smoking cold turkey, they fair better if they replace it with chewing gum. It makes sense that belief systems are similar.
b) Recuperation is a better outcome and also a vast spectrum in that recovery can take the form of slight belief changes and little else or nearly every aspect of an individual changes (changes religion, philosophy, sexual orientation, gender identity, or various vices). Because the human experience is a wide one and it’s rare for two individuals to have the exact same experience, recovery also follows suit. For a number of us alumni we have left the faith and discovered our queer identity. Some of us have been married and discovering that it was mistake so we divorced. Though, I do think about half of my friends who married fellow alumni have stayed married. For me, everything about me changed. I’m a gaytheist evolutionist, everything my pre-TM self would hate to be.
I think that, like most things, these stages are not black and white, but a grey blob. This isn’t a quantized, stepwise process moving from Stage 1 to Stage 3. It’s more of a Cha-Cha Slide of sliding from stage to stage, stepping back to previous stages (depression/anxiety is hardly ever a one and done situation) and turning it around. If coming out has taught me one thing, we have a lot of internalized biases and phobias. For me, I had to weed out internalized homophobia (mostly put there thanks to TM and Christian beliefs) and gender roles leading to internalized transphobia (definitely thanks to TM) and these still pop up even 6 years of being happily queer. This is where regression and recuperation can briefly coexist. Old habits die hard, and while one may be “passed their trauma” sometimes things flare up. Do we return to former beliefs or do we change to beliefs that allow us to exist more harmoniously with society?
What are your thoughts? Have you come across other stages not included here? Have you seen facets in behavior not listed?