Hannah’s Story: Part 1

About two years ago, I attended an Acquire of the Fire youth conference. There I had experienced the Lord’s presence for the first time. That night I got saved and I also heard about the Honor Academy. Now remember I had just got saved so I would do anything to be closer to the Lord. But before I jump into my HA story I think it’s important you know a little bit about my past.

I grew up in a rough area my family is highly dysfunctional I went through a lot of horrible things. My mom was a drug addict and my dad was in and out of jail. My mom always dragged me into all of her drug problems as well as her personal issues. I was only fourteen when my mom started using drugs with me. At the age of 15, I was gang raped and wound up pregnant but I was forced to get an operation. I also struggled with cutting and suicidal thoughts. At the beginning of the summer of 2010 I overdosed. I took a large amount of xanax. The doctors told my family they were not sure if I was going to make it. But I pulled through it’s a true miracle that I am alive today.

So a few months had gone by since ATF and my representative from Teen Mania called me. She wanted to know how I was doing and if I had prayed about the Honor Academy. I told her that I did and I felt like God was calling me there but I was not sure if I wanted to go. I wound up telling her everything that had been going on in my life. I trusted her. I told her about my past, the things I was struggling with and that I was taking medicine because I am bi-polar. She insinuated that if I was serious about my relationship with the Lord, I would come to the HA and that mental illness is from the Devil and that I should quit taking my meds. I told her that I would think about it. A few weeks later, I quit taking my meds because I really want to be close to God and I wanted to go to the Honor Academy. As the weeks went by, I became more and more depressed and had major mood swings. This is what led me to the suicide attempted in the summer of 2010. I did tell the Honor Academy about my suicide attempt and they said it was in the past and it didn’t matter. I also told them I was battling an addiction to weed and the HA still accepted me. People do not realize how easy it is to get accepted into the HA. Teen Mania is not very selective in who they choose to accept or deny. My rep was always in my face about how I need to go to the HA. I felt if I did not go I would be ignoring God’s call on my life. She ended up convincing me of that, so I made a decision to go to the HA.

I wanted to know more about the HA so I attended a preview weekend at the HA. The experience I had at the preview weekend went really well. It seemed like that people cared for each other. I was really excited about the HA and I could not wait until August. I was a little concerned after finding this website and reading everyone’s story. I even asked my rep about it. She told me that no ministry is perfect and reassured me that the HA had made changes, like a fool I trusted her.

So August had finally arrived and I was pumped about getting away from the bad environment in my home. Mostly, I was excited to be in a good environment where I could grow in the Lord. I arrived at the HA filled with joy and looking forward to getting closer to God. Then I learned something very quickly, that the HA was all about crazy rules and expectations. For example, I believe we all interpret the Bible differently. If you and I were to read the same verse in the Bible we would both form different opinions about the verse and what it means to us. I feel like all the teachings at the HA are based on the opinions and interpretations of what Mr. Stoner and Mr. Hasz believe. When you do not believe what they believe then you are not living up to their standards or God’s. I also believe that the HA is only based on Mr. Stoner’s and Mr. Hasz’s beliefs on what is sin and not. It seemed as though he was taking on the role of God. I was beginning to feel lots of condemnation that I received from others. The leadership at the HA are very confrontational and they made me feel like crap. One thing that really bothered me is that my Core Advisor and Dorm Director were younger than me. I really do not think that CA’s or DD’s should be younger than the first year interns. I know that there not equipped to handle being to that kind of leadership. I mean I know they went through the internship but my CA was not a very good leader. She was always busy with her own problems and life. She was very unsure of her self. It was like the blind leading the blind. I believe that the CA’s and DD’s should be at least 25 years old or older, have gone through more training and have completed the internship as first years. The leadership at the HA is just one big mess. Look at what Mr. Hasz and Mr. Stoner are doing. The leadership at the HA is not the only thing that is going wrong.

The first few weeks on campus we are in orange block which means corporate exercise every morning at 5 am, which is not that bad. I love a good workout and I did well with all the exercise but when it came to running that was hard for me. Running is hard for me because when I was in high school I blew my knee out. My knee can not handle lots of running but my CA forced me to run anyways. If I had to walk, my CA would tell me that I was slowing the core down. Then, some of the girls in my core would get behind me and physically push me till I started running. I ended up hurting my knee bad because the running was too much on my knee. I had to get crutches and I had to skip corporate exercise for a few days. Then as soon as my knee was feeling better, I started doing corporate again, only to end up hurting my knee again. This happened a few different times. Now, even after being out of the HA for several weeks, my knee still hurts every day.

One of the biggest parts of the HA is our ministry placements. We spend a good chunk of time working for the ministry but we do not get paid. I got placed in the ATF call center which is what I wanted. The first week they gave us a lot of material to study and we had to pass a test before we could officially make calls. If you didn’t pass the test, you got put on the facilities crew. I have dyslexia really bad, so I asked the manager if someone could sit and help me study the material. They did this for me in school and it really helps a lot. She said she would find someone to help me. When I didn’t hear back from her, I went by her desk, probably once a day to check on the situation. She kept promising someone would help me but nobody ever did. Finally, the test came and I did my best. I was actually really happy with my score but my manager yelled at me! I told her I had dyslexia but she said she did too so that wasn’t an excuse. I couldn’t believe she was actually yelling at me like I hadn’t tried! She made me feel like crap.

After being at the HA for a few weeks, I started feeling so anxious and I was learning that the HA was nothing like I thought. I could not trust anyone. I begin to feel condemned, sad and alone. The feelings lead me to start cutting myself. I thought it would help deal with the pain. Then one of the girls in my core found out about the cutting. So I was forced to confess to my Dorm Director. My DD put me on a “growth plan.” I was supposed to read some books, listen to some sermons online, pick 5 friends to quit talking to and I was grounded to my room by 9pm every weeknight. Needless to say, getting punished for hurting myself didn’t actually help me. If anything, it made me want to cut more because now I’m isolated and don’t feel like I can trust anybody.

There was a counselor on campus, but everyone said whatever you tell that person gets told to all the leadership so I didn’t really feel comfortable in a non-confidential environment. I was afraid I would get punished again.

17 comments:

Eric says:
February 1, 2011 at 7:43 AM

So to clarify– you say this happened in August 2010? (I ask because TM has often said these stories are about things that happened “in the past” and “things have changed now.” The heck they have.)

“The blind leading the blind” sounds exactly right, except you don’t strike me as particularly blind.

heartsfire says:
February 1, 2011 at 8:37 AM

This isn’t the only thing I have heard of this year that really disturbs me. I am really worried for the men and women in this class. That said WOW as a mental health professional it really shocks and upsets me that anyone that isn’t a doctor or an experienced mental health professional would be pushing someone to discontinue psych. meds. I am so sorry that this seems to be something that hurt you more in your life. HUGS

Micheal McComber says:
February 1, 2011 at 9:09 AM

There was a counselor on campus, but everyone said whatever you tell that person gets told to all the leadership so I didn’t really feel comfortable in a non-confidential environment. I was afraid I would get punished again.


WHAT!!!!! that so goes against Dr and patient how can they do this.

I cant wait for part two

phoenix says:
February 1, 2011 at 9:23 AM

OH MY GOD -I really didn’t think I could be shocked anymore but what TM does, but this is INSANE. How could an ATF rep hear that story and not think this girl’s going to be eaten alive here. And then say you should stop your med’s, god say’s so. WOW, if that’s not criminal, it ought to be.

Hannah, I’m so sorry these people heaped another pile of shit on your life. It’s just not right.

mouse says:
February 1, 2011 at 10:46 AM

Hannah, I’m so sorry for the way that Teen Mania treated you. Unfortunatly you got sucked into a very tempting CULT as did a lot of us here. We want to support you and be with you in our community to help bring healing to you.

mouse

Music.is.passion says:
February 1, 2011 at 10:51 AM

I am SO sorry this has happened to you! I really hope you are doing ok now. Please let us know if there is ANYTHING we can do. There are a lot of open ears here if you just need someone to talk to 🙂

Recovering Alumni says:
February 1, 2011 at 11:27 AM

Eric, Yes, this story is from Aug. 2010

julie says:
February 1, 2011 at 12:31 PM

Why did the “Growth Plan” include pick 5 friends to stop talking to? Did the DD think her friends were “bad seeds” who contributed to the cutting or was it just for punishment sake? It sounds like it was aribitrary (pick 5 friends). I’m trying to get the rationale here because Hannah clearly would’ve benefited from the support of friends/community while dealing with the cutting issue, so it’s counter intuitive to me that anyone would think making her feel MORE isolated would promote healing!

J. says:
February 1, 2011 at 12:37 PM

I reverted back to cutting during my time at the HA as well. It was something that I had been “healed” of… but the environment there… the stress, the exhaustion… it made it that much easier for me to fall off of the “wagon”. Even now, as a grown woman with a supportive husband, I still struggle with it from time to time. I’m glad that I was never “found out” while at the HA… because their way of dealing with it is incredibly damaging.

I’m so sorry for your experiences… and anxiously await the rest of your story.

J. says:
February 1, 2011 at 12:40 PM

ps, I needed the reminder for why we’re all here… and why we haven’t just given this site up and “moved on”.

Hannah says:
February 1, 2011 at 6:18 PM

Hannah Thanks for all of they support it;s nice to know im not alone!!!

Candor says:
February 1, 2011 at 7:21 PM

I’m so sorry that happened to you but I’m glad you found this community and hope you can find healing here. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m really interested in hearing the other part(s).

ShadowVoice says:
February 6, 2011 at 1:24 AM

I BEGAN cutting at the HA. Before that, my off and on depression had never gone beyond THINKING about hurting myself.

Anonymous says:
May 12, 2012 at 5:08 PM

Hey folks. I just found this blog today and ironically found a link to my Facebook page associated with a comment I never made. I emailed the blog author and hopefully she will fix it (it’s the comment above with the name “phoenix”)

I understand people’s desire to remain anonymous, but it’s criminal to impersonate someone else or defame their character by implying they said something they did not.

For the record, I was involved with the ministry (as a Team Leader) in the 90’s prior to a lot of these new “academies” when the ministry was based in Tulsa and I was never on staff.

The few stories I have read are horrible, and I hope that whatever took place has been rectified so no one else suffers similarly in the future.

I wish you all healing.

Anthony

Anonymous says:
May 12, 2012 at 5:47 PM

So, it looks like it wasn’t a link to my profile, but an expired profile so it defaulted to mine. It was definitely weird given that I have not been involved with TM for so many years. Now it all makes sense. 🙂

nat335 says:
April 22, 2013 at 8:48 AM

Oh my gosh…this is crazy! My daughter has been to ATF twice and is now 17 and being recruited by the team there. Thank you God for showing me this site so I can know the truth about this organization. She has been battling depression and anxiety (medicated) for the past couple of years and it just breaks my heart…there is NO WAY that she could handle any of these amateurs leading/abusing these kids like that. THANK GOD FOR YOU HANNAH!!! You are doing God’s work by being honest, telling your story, and saving other kids from this horror. It is hard having a tough life and being exposed to everything that you have been exposed to but on a positive note…your testimony is huge and will help many people!! I have always said…no one wants to be consoled/counseled by someone that read a book and has never had the experience. Your testimony is so strong and powerful Hannah….kids will listen to you. Be strong girl, get some loving Godly counsel for things that are still hurting you. It is not God that is doing these things…it’s twisted men/women that are allowing it to go on. God has an awesome plan for your life because of it!! God bless you. Big Hugs!!

Anonymous says:
July 29, 2013 at 8:08 AM

This “school” is clown shoes and needs to be shut down! Mighty christian of them. To torture kids over a story book and that parents actually send kids there disgusts me. Someone I know was kicked out for cutting, depression etc. It infuriates me and makes me sad for those brainwashed by the “Christian Church”