I Suck as a Christian

I really, really do. And so do you.*

God does not expect us to be good Christians. He knows that in our flesh “dwells no good thing.” Its absolutely impossible for us to become better by our own efforts.

The funny thing is – we don’t realize this (and I’m speaking to myself here). I am STILL suprised when I sin in certain ways. I think to myself, “Gee, I have been a Christian a long time, how can I still sin this way?” That is my self-righteousness talking. And God wants to kill it. Because it keeps me depending on myself instead of Him.

We bring nothing to God except our spiritual poverty. And He wouldn’t have it any other way.

But you know what? I don’t like experiencing my spiritual poverty! Its so much easier to feel in control, to feel like I have it all together. To feel that I am a pretty good Christian.

When I face my spiritual poverty head-on – its scary. To realize that I will never get any better by my efforts. That I will always be mired in sin no matter how hard I try. I hate that because I WANT to be better. I want to grow. But God isn’t going to let me do that as long as I am depending on myself. And especially, as long as I feel that my status with Him is affected by my actions.

Because you see, as much as I preach grace, I don’t really feel it deep down in my core.

At times, I question my salvation. How can I really be a Christian if I can’t get over this particular struggle or sin? What is wrong with me? Surely God’s mercy has run out. I’m sick of this, so He must be sick of it, too. He is probably ready to be done with me. (and on and on this cycle of self-loathing and despair can go)

Grace just seems too easy, too good to be true. You mean I don’t have to do anything to earn God’s approval? I literally have to do nothing except believe?? That just doesn’t seem right! You know cheap grace, and all that.

But the truth is, if it wasn’t cheap (actually free!) then I couldn’t afford it.

But when I talk to you, my lovely readers, I see God’s heart for His people. I know that He loves you more than you can ever imagine and that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to make Him stop. So, today, I’m going to preach that to myself. And try to give myself as much grace as I give to others.

God doesn’t expect you to be sinless – or even good. And He doesn’t expect it of me either. He knows I can’t be a good Christian. Its impossible, and He loves me anyway.

I think He is just waiting for me to know that, too.

And then, when I begin to understand that, is when I think the real fun finally begins.
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From Mike Yaconelli’s writings:

Finally, I accepted my brokenness…I had never come to terms with that. Let me explain. I knew I was broken. I knew I was a sinner. I knew I continually disappointed God, but I could never accept that part of me. It was a part of me that embarassed me. I continually felt the need to apologize, to run from my weaknesses, to deny who I was and concentrate on what I should be. I was broken, yes, but I was continually trying never to be broken again – or at least to get to the place where I was seldom broken. At the retreat, it became very clear to me that I had totally misunderstood the Christian faith. I came to see that it was my brokenness, in my powerlessness, in my weakness that Jesus was made strong. It was in the acceptance of my lack of faith that God could give me faith.


* If this offends you, you might have some self-righteousness God wants to deal with.