I really, really do. And so do you.*
God does not expect us to be good Christians. He knows that in our flesh “dwells no good thing.” Its absolutely impossible for us to become better by our own efforts.
The funny thing is – we don’t realize this (and I’m speaking to myself here). I am STILL suprised when I sin in certain ways. I think to myself, “Gee, I have been a Christian a long time, how can I still sin this way?” That is my self-righteousness talking. And God wants to kill it. Because it keeps me depending on myself instead of Him.
We bring nothing to God except our spiritual poverty. And He wouldn’t have it any other way.
But you know what? I don’t like experiencing my spiritual poverty! Its so much easier to feel in control, to feel like I have it all together. To feel that I am a pretty good Christian.
When I face my spiritual poverty head-on – its scary. To realize that I will never get any better by my efforts. That I will always be mired in sin no matter how hard I try. I hate that because I WANT to be better. I want to grow. But God isn’t going to let me do that as long as I am depending on myself. And especially, as long as I feel that my status with Him is affected by my actions.
Because you see, as much as I preach grace, I don’t really feel it deep down in my core.
At times, I question my salvation. How can I really be a Christian if I can’t get over this particular struggle or sin? What is wrong with me? Surely God’s mercy has run out. I’m sick of this, so He must be sick of it, too. He is probably ready to be done with me. (and on and on this cycle of self-loathing and despair can go)
Grace just seems too easy, too good to be true. You mean I don’t have to do anything to earn God’s approval? I literally have to do nothing except believe?? That just doesn’t seem right! You know cheap grace, and all that.
But the truth is, if it wasn’t cheap (actually free!) then I couldn’t afford it.
But when I talk to you, my lovely readers, I see God’s heart for His people. I know that He loves you more than you can ever imagine and that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to make Him stop. So, today, I’m going to preach that to myself. And try to give myself as much grace as I give to others.
God doesn’t expect you to be sinless – or even good. And He doesn’t expect it of me either. He knows I can’t be a good Christian. Its impossible, and He loves me anyway.
I think He is just waiting for me to know that, too.
And then, when I begin to understand that, is when I think the real fun finally begins.
_____________________________________________________
From Mike Yaconelli’s writings:
Finally, I accepted my brokenness…I had never come to terms with that. Let me explain. I knew I was broken. I knew I was a sinner. I knew I continually disappointed God, but I could never accept that part of me. It was a part of me that embarassed me. I continually felt the need to apologize, to run from my weaknesses, to deny who I was and concentrate on what I should be. I was broken, yes, but I was continually trying never to be broken again – or at least to get to the place where I was seldom broken. At the retreat, it became very clear to me that I had totally misunderstood the Christian faith. I came to see that it was my brokenness, in my powerlessness, in my weakness that Jesus was made strong. It was in the acceptance of my lack of faith that God could give me faith.
* If this offends you, you might have some self-righteousness God wants to deal with.
19 comments:
I suck as a Christian too! I’ll own that!
RA, the vulnerability in this note is beautiful. YOU ARE BLESSED! So rad.
Definitely a huge encouragement to the Body… gah I love this! Totally bookmark-worthy.
May 21, 2010 9:18 AM
Jenn said…
I love Mike Yaconelli- his books/writings are what helped me work though my performance based living into a Grace filled life!
It’s funny but being a Youth Pastor I’m continually reminded that I suck as a Christian! No better time to be broken than when living out 1 Cor. 11:1 “Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ..”
Great reminder!
May 21, 2010 9:22 AM
gc1998 said…
nearly 12 years after leaving tm…this is where i am at, too…the christianity i learned in church and at tm (whether or not it’s what is actually TAUGHT…it’s what i learned) is all about what *i* do…God’s response to me is a result of my actions…and that is NOT the gospel.
i feel more free now than i ever have since i told Jesus, “i quit.” i don’t know how long it will take or what it will look like, but if i can’t believe and trust that he loves me and he will be the hound of heaven for me, well, then…i mean, do i really want him anyway?
it’s surreal, scary, and superb. (i was going to say wonderful, but that doesn’t start with an s.)
May 21, 2010 9:37 AM
Anonymous said…
RA, This is abosolutely wonderful. Exact. and Right on.
Thanks be to God who gives us clarity and understanding. I don’t want to be anything but me because that is who God loves and accepts.
May 21, 2010 9:59 AM
Anonymous said…
@ gc1998 Good thoughts.
May 21, 2010 10:01 AM
dan said…
RA – so much awesome in this post. *Like*
May 21, 2010 10:51 AM
Anonymous said…
This is good stuff. My pastor just taught on this 2 weeks ago. It’s amazing how long I lived (and often still live) trying to prove myself worthy. I never have been and never will be worthy of God’s love, and He still chose to love me and save me. Isn’t He amazing?!?!
May 21, 2010 10:59 AM
Anonymous said…
The more TM I remove from myself the more I believe this.
Anon
May 21, 2010 11:49 AM
Anonymous said…
“So, today, I’m going to preach that to myself. And try to give myself as much grace as I give to others.”
I’ve been thinking about this quote for most of the day. It seems that after the HA this was the most difficult lesson I had to learn. I still haven’t managed to extend myself Grace the way I can to others. (I’m still very hard on myself).
After letting go of all the Pride and Legalism, I found myself not feeling worthy of Grace. Yet, I still humble my heart often and let God give me His Grace because I only want to be with Him. And if letting Grace work in my life allows me to draw near to Jesus, then I set my heart towards Him even in my brokeness. No longer gazing upon all the “stuff” I think I need to do for Him or others. And it’s in those moments that I glimpse that “Freedom” we talk about so often in the Christian World.
May 21, 2010 1:09 PM
Eric P. said…
Anon–“…I found myself not feeling worthy of Grace.”
Well, of course you’re not worthy of it. That’s why they call it Grace! 🙂
May 21, 2010 1:51 PM
Philip E said…
This reminds me of a Steve Taylor song called “Jesus if for losers”. So true.
May 21, 2010 3:05 PM
Phil Boltz said…
I remember being confronted about listening to “Jesus is for losers” on my 96 trip to Bolivia. I tried to explain it to an intern then…didn’t quite work out.
May 21, 2010 3:45 PM
dan said…
Ahhhhh…Steve is a genius poet savant.
May 21, 2010 5:42 PM
JMillerFam said…
grace the way God intends is so beautiful….Thank you for that reminder today, RA. I can’t believe how much He loves me….enough to wash it away clean.
May 21, 2010 6:09 PM
squeakycheez07 said…
I needed this. Thank you.
May 21, 2010 7:31 PM
Carrie Saum said…
Reminds me of some beautiful words my husband shared with me:
“His judgment is Mercy.
His justice is forgiveness.”
THIS (your message and my husband’s words)is the gospel.
May 22, 2010 10:00 AM
Anonymous said…
From Joy G.-
Good stuff…Can I bury my face in this? Can I eat it with a spoon? I hope they sell it in bags (big, huge lawn-bags) on Sunday morning. I think I’ll wait in line all night just to get enough to fill my soul.
“…Especially, as long as I feel that my status with Him is affected by my actions.” When I read this, I involuntarily threw my fists into the air and said “YES! YES!” I guess something was rejoicing in me. Victory is ours!! And not because we earned it!!
May 23, 2010 8:07 AM
Mynda said…
It was good to read this thrown in with everything else! WE CANT Earn it!!! Its a raw vulnerable place and we are sooo not used to it! Thank you RA!
May 26, 2010 7:04 PM
Quivering Daughters said…
PRAISE the Lord. So, so true.
May 27, 2010 12:11 AM