FYI: This story is a 3 part story.
I was a sophomore in college when I was called to the Honor Academy. I was living with 4 guys and 2 other girls in a house we dubbed “The Real World.” The majority of us had never met and had found out through a friend-of-a-friend about the rooms for rent. There were parties every weekend and many times throughout the week. At the time I was involved in Campus Crusade for Christ and was active in my own church even teaching Sunday school for pre-school children. I was in love with Jesus and as a result didn’t partake in the “3 deadly sins of smoking, drinking, and swearing.” I wanted to show Christ’s love to everyone I met especially my roommates. At parties, I spent my time talking and hanging out with our guests.
I never complained or judged them about their lifestyles. While everyone was still passed out the morning after a party, I woke up early and cleaned the house. I threw out all the beer cans and bottles, washed the dishes, and quietly picked up the house while “randoms” (people nobody knew) were still sleeping on our sofas and chairs from the party the night before. My roommates woke up to the smell of scented candles and tidy living quarters. They told me numerous times how much they appreciated me cleaning up even though I had no part in creating the mess. They also questioned me a plethora of times about how I could be “so cool” as a Christian and never judge them.
I had a friend who was traveling with Servants of the Call and was going to be 4 hours away from where I was going to school (back in our hometown) so I decided to drive back and visit him. The small church rally itself was ok but I really only went to see my friend. Afterwards, we (the Servants of the Call, my friend, and me) were all hanging out at his parents’ house. I remember the leader of the group asked me what I was called to do with my life. I had no idea. He told me there was only one way to find out and asked if he could pray for me.
My friend’s mother anointed me with oil for the first (and only) time in my life. I grew up in a conservative North American Baptist church and had a special word for those who anointed oil, spoke in tongues, saw visions and performed instantaneous healings of the Holy Spirit: CRAZY. Nonetheless, my friend’s mom and this group of people seemed like a solid bunch of Christians and I was curious so I obliged. In addition to the oil on my forehead, there were hands laid on me by several people in the house and serious prayer. Then it happened. I experienced my first vision.
Plain as day, I saw the fountain in front of the chapel on campus at Teen Mania. Kids were walking in and out of the building. Then I saw the horseshoe and the dorms. I had never been to the HA nor seen any pictures yet I knew exactly what it was. I spent the following 3 days fasting. Never before in my life had I fasted. Nobody suggested it to me. I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to do it. I consumed only water in that time despite going to school and work. There was never a feeling of hunger or fatigue. I actually felt incredibly energized. I prayed about the internship and my life.
On the second day of fasting, I felt the Holy Spirit instructing me to make amends with those I had hurt in the past. I apologized to several people who seemed stunned but also forgave me. I had cheated on a Geology exam a few weeks prior which resulted in a lot of guilt. It was a huge class in an auditorium with over 400 other students.
I felt compelled to attempt to make that situation right as well. Actually, it was a lot of back and forth arguing with God and pleading, “I’ll do anything for you… but that.” I kept trying to justify my previous actions by telling God I would never do it again. Apparently that wasn’t enough for Him. Be careful when praying for the Lord’s will. Sometimes He does just that and asks you to do clearly illogical things for Him.
The second (or maybe third day) of my fasting, I walked into my Geology professor’s office during student/teacher office hours. I confessed that I had cheated off my neighbor on our last exam and that I was very sorry and it wouldn’t happen again. He was shocked. His reply was, “In over 20 years of teaching, you are the first student who has ever admitted that to me. I don’t know who you are and I don’t want to know your name. You were actually pointed out by one of my TA’s (teacher’s assistants) as someone to watch on the next exam. I’m sure it’ll never happen again. Let’s just leave it at that.”
I couldn’t believe it. I had a few academic scholarships I could have lost. He could have failed me in the class. At worst scenario, he could have had me expelled. After all, I wasn’t accused of cheating. I willingly admitted it. Afterwards, I felt an overwhelming peace unlike any I had ever experienced. It was at the end of the 3-day fast that I was absolutely confident that the Lord was calling me to the Honor Academy. I called a rep and applied online.
I drove to Texas with friends who were current interns and GI’s. Since they were required to be there before the January 2001 class arrived, I stayed with my aunt and uncle outside of Dallas before the big day. On arrival day, my aunt drove me to the campus (which I now refer to as “the compound“). She has her doctorate degree in psychology and was skeptical of my decision to volunteer at a ministry for a year. She was visibly astonished at the site of a young man dressed in a black suit greeting us at the guard booth. (On a side note, nothing screams CULT more than individuals dressed entirely in black with ear-to-ear grins at the gate of a compound.)
We drove to the main building so I could register and be given my room assignment. My aunt helped me carry my belongings into my dorm room. I watched her gaze scan the small room with 6 cubbies and 2 bunk beds (3 beds high). She was just looking out for my best interest when she inquired, “Are you sure you want to be here? I can drive you back to Dallas and you still have time to enroll in classes at your university this semester.” I laughed it off, thanked her for driving me and donating money for my year, and assured her I would be fine.
Just to reiterate, I currently had four friends from back home enrolled there who were current interns or GI’s. They welcomed me and introduced me to their friends. The first day of Gauntlet, I was excited. Obviously I wasn’t excited about the 5 AM corporate exercise but, then again, who would be? I really enjoyed the classes until our first night class when Hasz started talking about the rules and regulations of the Honor Academy (which I will refer to as “the cult” from here on out). I was completely overwhelmed and so anxious and furious and saddened and above all, I felt trapped because I had never before been forced to live my life in a box.
Previously, I had made decisions based on my own moral ethics, the Bible, and my own conscience (or the Holy Spirit – however you decide to interpret that). After the first night of required classes and meetings, I met up with two new female friends who were Augusts that my hometown friends had introduced to me. We were in the GE building and they were showing me around. All of a sudden, I started bawling. Respectively, they asked what was wrong and I shouted, “IT’S A CULT!! I don’t understand how you guys can be here with all these rules!? Most of this stuff isn’t even in the Bible!” They regurgitated basic brainwashed ideas about “being held to a higher standard” and all these things were put in place to help us or protect us. I felt quasi-better after our talk. After all, these girls were genuinely cool people and if they thought it was fine then it must be fine. They gave me hugs and told me they would be praying for me.
Below is my actual journal entry written during Gauntlet Week.
January 8th, 2001
“It’s only my 3rd day here and I still hate it. Well, not 100% but I dislike it greatly. The rules are so different. I’m accusing people of things in my head that probably aren’t true and if I ever said them aloud they could get me dismissed from the academy. It makes me want to cry. I question principles & guidelines every day. I feel there’s no one I can fully trust even my best friends from back home. No one understands how I feel. I keep wondering why God wants me to be here. What can I do to make it better? Who can I trust? I pray God will show me the truth. I desperately want to know.”
(I find it peculiar that 9 years later I feel the same way about it as my 3rd day there.)
27 comments:
Josh ex-intern (security) 00-01 said…
Mariana – Thank you for sharing your story, and I look forward to reading the rest since I was an August intern during the first part of your internship.
On a side note though, I do have to apologize for this portion though “She was visibly astonished at the site of a young man dressed in a black suit greeting us at the guard booth. (On a side note, nothing screams CULT more than individuals dressed entirely in black with ear-to-ear grins at the gate of a compound.)” I wear all black no matter where I am, and when I read this I knew you had met me. The wardrobe had nothing to do with TM being a cult, but with personal preference of dress. I swear, to this day I still wear a 90% all black no matter where I am.
June 9, 2010 6:31 AM
Anonymous said…
I know Mariana and she has a precise sense of humor. Her reference to Men In Black, and I could be wrong, but it’s probably more humorous than literal. But I would have to slightly agree that it could be perceived that way. Nothing wrong at all with dressing all in black. It’s actually quite sexy and I like it – but just don’t take the comment personal because I think it’s supposed to be slightly humourous. You’re awesome Josh!
June 9, 2010 8:46 AM
Anonymous said…
I was under the impression that at the very least the kids knew about all these ridiculous rules prior to signing up for the HA. Is this not the case?
June 9, 2010 10:19 AM
CarrieSaum said…
wow. mariana, this gave me chills. i had a similar feeling about two months into my internship, but definitely wouldn’t let myself own it.
as for kids knowing what they are signing up for, they do know the basics….but there are more rules than were previously expressed once you get there, plus a very strong emphasis on not being able to leave honorably unless you are dying or graduate. 🙂 it definitely makes a person feel trapped.
June 9, 2010 11:20 AM
Anonymous said…
Oh I was doubting that at all. I’m just curious what people think they are signing up for vs. what really happens in terms of rules because one of the arguments I keep hearing about various parts of the experience is, “they knew what they were signing up for” when maybe they didn’t?
June 9, 2010 11:37 AM
Anonymous said…
Oh gosh, very few knew what they were signing up for. Unless you had a close friend in the internship to tell you about the ins and outs you are totally shocked when you get this manual about all the things you can and can not do.
June 9, 2010 12:35 PM
Mikaela said…
I remember this one time at the cult when we were *forced* to play Capture the Flag – all 500+ of us! We were divided into about 12 teams, and we had to run around in the Back Forty (the woods) while the staff members/GIs on ATVs chased us with paintball guns. I was sticking close to a female friend who was terribly afraid of guns. She was near tears the entire time.
But before the game even started, I asked a GI if we *had* to participate in this “mandatory fun.” She said, “Yes! This is what you signed up for!” (and that I needed to have a good attitude!)
What?!?! I heard that sentence a lot, and I’m still (10 years later) confused about what exactly I signed up for.
June 9, 2010 3:58 PM
Nunquam Honorablus said…
WOW.
That reminds me of August graduation practice (like the day before we graduated, I think), where Hasz said something along the lines of, “Hey, you committed to give your all, your 100% for the entire year, so if I decided that we should have Corporate tomorrow morning at 3:00am, we’d have Corporate because you committed to it.”
June 9, 2010 4:32 PM
D said…
Seems to me if they want 100% commitment, they need to be 100% honest about EXACTLY what these kids are committing to.
June 9, 2010 4:49 PM
Anonymous said…
I have a question that I mean in a totally serious way. This is one of several stories where the person mentions feeling called to the HA or like God wanted them to be there. Knowing what you do now, were you mistaken about hearing God or did other factors influence you that at the time you thought were God but actually weren’t? I’m just perplexed why so many people have mentioned feeling strongly that it was God’s will, when they clearly no longer believe that to be the case.
June 9, 2010 8:41 PM
Mikaela said…
@Anon 8:41pm
Oh I can answer this one! I’ve heard many different perspectives on this. Most of us were asking these questions while we were interns – “Why am I here?” “Am I really supposed to be here?” Was it real? Were we really called there? Is there any good reason why we should’ve gone there?
Personally, I now believe that god is fake and that I was making it (calling, visions, etc) all up in my head! And I’m not the only alumnus who feels this way. But, I’ll admit, we’re the minority.
But those ex-interns who still believe in god, I’ve spoken with several of them about this very question. From what I understand, they still believe that they were “called” there for some reason – maybe they still don’t quite know what that reason is – maybe they only were “called” to stay there only for a short amount of time – maybe to expose the cult for what it is – maybe to make connections with other interns/alumni – maybe to learn something about themselves.
I’ve never heard a still-Christian ex-intern say that they were mistaken about hearing god.
June 9, 2010 9:54 PM
Lisa said…
I am a still Christian(in some capacity)ex-intern. I was mistaken about hearing from God about the HA.
June 9, 2010 10:49 PM
Anonymous said…
I’m also an ex-intern and I whole heartedly believe in God. However, my “calling” to the internship was actually me being convinced by others and my strong desire to want to serve Christ. I didn’t see anyone else around me as “fired-up” about Christ as I was, so I was convinced I was called to the HA. That being said, I know that God is absolutely Sovereign and that He “works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.” He has grown me inspite of TM and my impulsive decision to attend.
June 10, 2010 1:41 AM
Anonymous said…
I know that a lot of interns just don’t feel ready to go to college and the mobilizers are very convincing that God will speak to you there. So I think I went out of a desire to hear from God.
June 10, 2010 9:00 AM
TruthInLoveSucksSometimes said…
concured with the above: I wanted to do something for God.
Annndd a few of my friends were there so I figured why not? One of them stayed on to be an uber intern for many years. The other left due to sickness, but I did make many friends who are amazing.
I don’t think I had anything else to do. I was not ready for college.
sidenote: I do still believe in the big Guy, just not in how the society has manipulated Him to better their own agendas.
June 10, 2010 11:39 AM
Mariana said…
Josh – I hope you weren’t offended. I don’t mean people who dress all in black are obvious cult members. I wear black a lot too. It was just the all black with the big smiles at the gate of a compound.
Anon – I didn’t know about all the rules and regulations before I signed up even though I had friends currently attending. I don’t think most people know. As a mobilizer, we didn’t “emphasize” anything that would be negative so it was rarely mentioned.
Other Anon – I think Mikaela said it very well on my behalf. I still believe to this day that it was God who called me to the cult. I still have no idea why. It’s one of the lists on my list to ask Him someday. But to answer your question, yes, if I was in the same position again today I would have still went to the cult. I would definitely not have stayed the entire year. I now realize that God himself doesn’t “call” us all to be there for a year long commitment just because man forced us to sign a paper or make a verbal agreement.
June 10, 2010 1:13 PM
Shannon Kish said…
Um, I honestly thought I was signing up for, what I now know is, Ministry Team. I thought that going to the HA meant traveling and setting up ATFs across the country. My Youth Pastor also thought this, he even encouraged me to audition (if they had them) for the worship team that sings at ATF.
When I arrived on campus and during the first week of the internship it became abundantly clear that this wasn’t the case. I was still committed to it though.
June 10, 2010 1:36 PM
Eric P. said…
Mariana / Mikaela et al.: I’m not a TM vic–er, alumnus, but I was definitely called by God to be part of an emotionally abusive ministry when I was a teenager. It was horrible.
Looking back, I can realize that God used the effects of that abuse to palpably strengthen my appreciation for the sufferings of Christ, as well as giving me empathy for my neighbors, learning how to forgive and love my past enemies, and rooting out a bunch of latent pride. It’s very much a feeling of “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.”
The predictable TM cult party line perverts this idea by implying that since God meant it for good, it’s perfectly fine that they do evil, and you should be thankful for the evil, and why should you point out that they do evil?
Who knows; maybe God called you there specifically so you would point out the evil!
June 10, 2010 1:41 PM
Josh ex-intern 00-01 said…
Mariana – I wasn’t offended, but I will have to say I laughed so hard when I read this that a co-worker asked what was so funny. I know that if I was to be standing in the booth the way I look now, you would never have driven into the compound as I still wear all black, still have a big ‘ole smile on my face, but now I have really short (almost bald) hair, facial hair, and working on growing my goatee back out to 8inches long. The tats and piercings are soon to come as well.
Now to answer the question of being called to go there, yes I was. Why? I have no clue, even to this day. I am not doing what I felt God calling me to do while I was there, nor am I whole-heartedly following Him because of the hurt from TM as well as countless other “Christian” ministries I’ve been a part of since. Have I done, at times, what I felt God called me to do? Yes, I have. Maybe not full time, but if I hadn’t been to TM/HA, endured the stuff that I went through, I would have never discovered my talent to play the guitar (I played bass when I started TM, and taught a friend how to play it as well. She in turn taught me guitar which I have used to lead worship), or to write music. As I have told others (mainly on the forums or in private), I do have some good memories of TM/HA, but there is a lot of hurt overshadowing the good.
(Sorry it’s so long)
June 10, 2010 2:39 PM
Mariana said…
Josh – I think I remember you. Were you really skinny with short brown hair?
June 10, 2010 4:48 PM
Josh ex-intern 00-01 said…
Mariana – I wouldn’t have called myself skinny (definitely wouldn’t now), but others might have, and yes, I have short brown hair that I had dyed the top blonde right before the internship in July of 2000 while helping get prepared for my internship. Any other details can be found in the forums.
June 11, 2010 7:33 AM
Mariana said…
Josh – I remember you. I know exactly who you are – or at least who you were. That wasn’t you at the gate of the compound when I was arriving though but, yeah, you did wear a lot of black.
June 11, 2010 8:35 AM
Josh ex-intern 00-01 said…
Mariana – LOL….who I was??? Other then being older, wiser, balder, and fatter, I’m still the same person! Well, I might have gone a little senial in my “old age” as well!
June 11, 2010 11:29 AM
Mariana said…
Josh – You’re different because you’re not in a cult anymore!! I’m sure everyone is different now than they were then and if they’re not – God help them.
June 12, 2010 11:20 AM
Wendy J. Duncan said…
In response to Anonymous’ question about whether an ex-cultist still believes that he/she was “called” or directed by God.
This is a question that haunts many of us former members of religious cults. At the time I joined a Bible-based cult, I totally believed that this is what God wanted me to do. I felt that I had found a group of believers who were truly trying to live out their Christian commitments. Seven years later when my husband and I left, it was hard untangling all the doubts and questions about God. Was I wrong? Why did He allow me to get involved in a spiritually abusive group?
I’m not sure that I have “untangled” all of the questions yet, but I know that the “why” is not so important as the acceptance of the experience and its integration into our life story.
Yale theologian Miroslav Volfperson says it much better than I can in his book, The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World: “As trauma literature consistently notes, the healing of wounded psyches involves not only remembering traumatic experiences; it must also include integrating the retrieved memories into a broader pattern of one’s life story, either by making sense of the traumatic experiences or by tagging them as elements gone awry in one’s life. Personal healing happens not so much by remembering traumatic events and their accompanying emotions as by interpreting memories and inscribing them into a larger pattern of meaning – stitching them into the patchwork quilt of one’s identity, as it were.
“For example, as I relive in memory the humiliation and pain of my interrogations by military police, I can tell myself that that suffering has made me a better person – say, in the way it has drawn me closer to God or made me more empathetic to sufferers. Or I can decide that my experience has contributed in some small way to exposing the injustice of a regime that controlled its citizens, curtailed their freedoms, and sacrificed their well-being out of a commitment to an unworkable ideology. In either case, healing will come about not simply by remembering but also by viewing the remembered experiences in a new light. Put more generally, the memory of suffering is a prerequisite for personal healing but not a means of healing itself. The means of healing is the interpretative work a person does with memory.”
June 13, 2010 9:51 AM
Mariana said…
Wendy – Wow. Thanks for sharing your story. There’s a lot of truth in what you said. I know that I’m still not fully healed of everything that’s happened but I’m trying.
June 13, 2010 4:52 PM
Jacqueline said…
Wendy– excellent excerpt! This totally makes sense in the grand scheme of things. May God bless you as you make sense of the past together with your husband. May your love for one another flourish and blossom, and though you may have seen the past experiences through different lenses, I pray that you would be able to come together and find peace and conclusion on that period in your life!
June 14, 2010 8:16 AM