During Gauntlet Week, we had numerous interviews and personality tests. I didn’t know at the time that behind every curtain the Directors of Oz were hiding out listening to our conversations Big Brother-style so they could determine who they wanted for their team for our “ministry placements” (i.e. free youth labor). I had been majoring in apparel in college and was very interested in fashion and requested to several interviewers that I had a strong desire to be involved at any capacity with the ATF clothing line.
However, I was chosen by another department. I was disappointed because of my background and passions but got over it quickly when I was told what an honor it was to become part of the MOB. Rumor had it that the most outgoing, best dressed, least troll-looking interns were chosen for mobilization. I immensely enjoyed the incandescent wit and charisma of my co-workers.
The job itself was a bust. I was supposed to call prospective interns, who had filled out cards at ATFs, and convince them that the HA was like Disneyland for Christians – pretty much the coolest place you could be while you’re young. I hated it. It wasn’t about God calling you to do something or helping other people figure it if God was calling them to the cult. It was strictly a numbers game. You were given a call sheet every day and had to make chicken scratches after each call whether you were given a yes, no, maybe, no answer, or wrong number (or something to that effect – I don’t remember that part exactly. I guess my PTSD – post traumatic stress disorder – is kicking in.) Anyway, I remember despising it so much that some days I would dial a phone number, let it ring once, and hang up so I could honestly check “no answer” on the call sheet.
Later I got promoted to work in cult acceptance. I would call interns who had already been deemed worthy to join our elite group. Basically, I made sure they had all their finances in order, had health insurance, and answered their questions while lying through my teeth. “How do you like it there?” was the most common question. “It’s great!! So much fun! And we have pool with a water slide.” Well, at least the last part was true. At the conclusion of every call, we were instructed to ask the prospective interns if we could pray for them. This was horrific for me because what I really desired was to ask them to pray for me.
After several months of paying the cult to work for them and lie, I broke down and pulled my supervisor aside. “I can’t do this anymore,” I explained. “I need to go home.” He asked why and I clarified, “Because I hate it here. I’m lying to these kids on the phone telling them about how amazing it is. Meanwhile, I spend the majority of nights crying myself to sleep.” He asked if there was anything I liked about it. “Of course,” I answered. “My friends are the only reason I’m still here.” He instructed me to focus on that. That I should tell the kids about the great friendships I’ve made and tell stories about my friends. So I did. When somebody asked me a question that might have a negative response, I pulled out my best George Bush impersonation and answered an entirely different question than the one originally asked and with a positive response.
The classes I took were definitely educational. I learned a lot and, spiritually, I was growing at a rapid rate. So rapid that I occasionally called my Christian friends back home in college and specifically instructed them how they should be living to become “closer to Jesus.” I judged EVERYONE and measured EVERYONE to the standards of the cult. I even went so far as to call my own father and tell him that he should take my mother to a Pentecostal church so they could cast out the demons of anger and depression that I believed were living in her that were a result of a “generational curse.” Thank God my dad wasn’t nearly as crazy (or brainwashed) as I was.
I believed every word taught to me hook, line and sinker for several months. Lines like women couldn’t be leaders. Excuse me, women could be leaders but we would never have a woman president because the highest authoritative figure had to be a man. That was Biblical. Yeah, I remember all the b.s. that’s been written in people’s stories about painting the barn and how women should be pretty because that’s what God intended. I also developed a newfound heart for homosexuals after I was repeatedly taught they were sinners “pitching” and “catching” their way straight to the World Series of Fire & Brimstone (my own words). Some of my best friends in college were gay. Did I mention I was studying apparel? 90% of my male classmates were fabulous gay men.
Anyway, not everything about the cult was friends and good times even though those two things are the only things I care to remember. Along with the addition of things I learned about God and myself, of course. I was confronted more times than any person I knew or heard about on campus. My clothing was one of the major factors. I never wore anything scandalous and don’t to this day. Other female interns felt differently. That was until about 7 months into the internship when I had gained about 10-15lbs. Then nobody confronted me. I thought I was in the clear by becoming overweight like most of the other female interns I knew. And I was right. I was in the clear until I hit the finally-gained-20lbs-mark, then I was confronted for wearing clothes that were too tight. I couldn’t win. One of my friends from the cult and I occasionally refer to the cult as “Fat Camp” to this day.
Another major confrontation was my choice of friends; the majority of which were male. All my hometown friends who attended the cult were guys. We were buddies. Our friendships were and are, to this day, strictly platonic. Apparently the cult has some absurd idea that if you hang out with members of the opposite sex, you’re just doing so because you have an interest in banging them. Not true. In fact, when some of my former cult member friends have gotten married, I’ve become friends with their wives and we all hang out together. I went to visit one a couple two years ago. His wife went to bed early to get up for work and we hung out all night playing video games. I’m so grateful they found women who are secure enough in themselves to know that I have no desire to steal their men.
I think part of the reasons other (mostly female) interns felt like they needed to approach me about this was that it was #24 on our Spiritual Inventory sheet. #24 was “Living Above Reproach: I carefully attend to my relationships with the opposite sex so that not even the hint of impropriety exists. I painstakingly avoid situations that could feed sinful desires or even tempt others to gossip about me, and I have no dangerous emotional bonds that could lead to trouble.” You know, because God rates us on a scale of 1-10 so why shouldn’t other people?
It was like a daily ritual/game for me to see who was going to confront me about hanging out with which guy. By the way, have I mentioned I’m not a flirter? Not having a boyfriend for a year was one of the easiest rules for me to abide by. That’s like telling me not to wear Uggs or listen to Nickelback. I don’t date unless I’m really interested in someone. I’m not the girl who is going to date someone just to have someone. I’d much rather be alone than in some half-a** relationship where I’m not happy. But that’s another story for another day.
17 comments:
layne said…
“Not having a boyfriend for a year was one of the easiest rules for me to abide by.”
Same for me, but you could never convince fellow interns of that. All girls crush easily, of course. And if they deny it? They’re lying. I hadn’t dated a guy in the three years prior to joining the cult, and yet it was still common for me to get confronted regularly for not “guarding my heart”. Obviously no girl can control herself when she spends too much time with someone of the opposite sex. Ironically, when nothing questionable came of my close relationships with male interns, they (fellow female interns) decided that I was a lesbian. Hah. Children.
June 10, 2010 9:15 AM
Eric P. said…
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!
June 10, 2010 1:26 PM
Candor said…
Layne – Hahahahah. You as a lesbian. Hilarious.
June 10, 2010 1:26 PM
Shannon Kish said…
Erm, Mariana, I really want to know who you are now. 🙂 We were in the same class and I can’t figure out who you are yet. 🙂 So, I will have to wait for Pt. 3 I guess.
June 10, 2010 1:31 PM
Nunquam Honorablus said…
Mariana, I love your writing style and how your sense of humor shows through this piece, despite the horrible experience. Good on ya, hun 😉
Can’t wait to see part three… welcome aboard!
June 10, 2010 1:40 PM
Alien In Exile said…
Well, there was definitely some heavy doses of sarcasm and I didn’t appreciate the “fat camp” remarks, like YOU’re better than every other girl at the internship. Look, we all got problems from the HA. I don’t think a single person who went through the program (regardless of whether they graduated or not – which means nothing to me. I saw people graduate who had no business finishing, and I saw people dismissed who should’ve been allowed to stay) came out unscathed. But the way this was written, you’re no better than anybody else. I worked in ATF – where ANYBODY was thrown in. I called it the “serf quarters” or something. I hated it. I can understand your irritation with being put in the wrong job, and them replying with “Don’t you trust us to be guided by God? How dare you question our judgment” nonsesense. I don’t like that the MOB is forced to lie about the program, and I don’t like feeling lied TO by them. I’m not against you, here, but I do feel like you lumped everybody else in the entire program into being different from you, who was above everybody else. People like that bothered ME when I was there. All the snooty wanna-be Mission Teamers who dyed their hair two-tone colors in the hopes of being excepted into the elitest club. Gag.
And I wasn’t fat.
June 10, 2010 2:00 PM
Mariana said…
Shannon – You know me but not as “Mariana.”
Nunquam – Thank you!
Alien – I didn’t think I was better than anyone else there nor do I think I am now. We JOKE about calling it “Fat Camp” because the majority of MY female friends there were overweight as was I. If you weren’t fat – AWESOME NEWS!!! Congrats on not eating yourself into obvillion your year at the cult. And I’m not being sarcastic here. I think it’s great because so MANY female interns my year did.
June 10, 2010 2:52 PM
Liz (Engskow) Davila said…
Mariana – at the very least, I hope you had a good Core Advisor, who thought you were the best. 🙂
June 10, 2010 3:40 PM
Mikaela said…
re: Fat Camp!
Haha! I gained about 15 pounds during my year. I gorged myself at every meal bc I always felt like I didn’t know when my next meal would be. Partly because of the short cafeteria hours, partly because I was so overtired all the time that I would try to take a “short nap” and accidentally sleep through dinner, partly because of all the mandatory fasting.
re: “I’m not against you, here, but I do feel like you lumped everybody else in the entire program into being different from you, who was above everybody else.”
I don’t know where that feeling came from. Maybe you (Alien in Exile) read Mariana’s sense of humor as something prideful or condescending, but it didn’t seem that way to me. I can relate to the way Mariana wrote about feeling like an outcast (all the confrontations), not quite fitting in, and not being able to accept everything that was going on. The internship was a really difficult time, and maintaining a sense of humor helped me get through it. Laughing about the absurdity of it all definitely helped balance out all the nights I spent crying in my bed.
June 10, 2010 5:05 PM
Recovering Alumni said…
“I painstakingly avoid situations that could feed sinful desires or even tempt others to gossip about me, and I have no dangerous emotional bonds that could lead to trouble.”
Does anyone have a copy of this spiritual inventory checklist??
I don’t know which is more odd, the fact that this is #24 (how many are there?) or the fact that you are not supposed to “tempt others to gossip about you.” What the heck?
June 10, 2010 5:29 PM
Mariana said…
RA – I have a copy of the spiritual inventory checklist. A friend from the cult came to visit about a month ago and we spent all night reading it and laughing.
June 10, 2010 5:48 PM
Anonymous said…
I dont have any of my TMM paper work anymore. I have thrown most of it out.
I wonder myself whom you are. I was also a Jan 01. im glad to see that mine was not the only hell that was gone through.
Brian-A
June 10, 2010 6:39 PM
shouldcareless said…
Man. I think people gossip about me ALL. THE. TIME. Seriously. People can’t help it. I am just that fascinating. I mean, when I come home from a hard day at work and have a glass of wine, you’d better WATCH OUT because I’m not drinking with Jesus. Great fodder for the rumor mill, huh?
So, if Dave were to take his own advice here on #24, he probably wouldn’t be the head of a cult, right? He would step down from the limelight, go be a missionary somewhere unexciting, and just live like the rest of us. But instead, we get to gawk and gossip. Sheesh. Serious FAL, Dave.
June 10, 2010 10:24 PM
shouldcareless said…
*FAIL*
hah! ROFL
June 10, 2010 10:26 PM
Shannon Kish said…
Mariana,
The Januaries of our year were pretty close (as close as 100 people could be) so I am sure that I know who you are. But, I can’t figure it out. 🙂
Brian, you are definitely not alone. There are several of us from our year here. Join us in the Forums.
June 11, 2010 8:27 AM
layne said…
I was a January ’01.
June 11, 2010 8:34 AM
Josh ex-intern 00-01 said…
Mikela – I sympathize with you on this, “I gorged myself at every meal bc I always felt like I didn’t know when my next meal would be. Partly because of the short cafeteria hours, partly because I was so overtired all the time that I would try to take a “short nap” and accidentally sleep through dinner, partly because of all the mandatory fasting.”
Having been on security, we never knew when we would get a call to go do something, and so we would slam back the food we had. Of course, my favorite meals were the ones that UG’s, GI’s, CEP’s, and staff would bring us that worked the grave yard shift. Free food is ALWAYS good, especially if it was from CJ’s!!!
June 14, 2010 6:34 AM