Between the time that the old August class left and the new ones arrived and were trained, our January class of 50 had the responsibilities of the 400 positions that were unfilled. They promised us that we would get time off for the overtime we worked (and had a fancy formula or adding it up), but I never got it. During this time we were told that we had to clean the dorms to get ready for the August class. I remember that after working the whole day I would come back to my room and spend hours cleaning grimy blinds, rearranging furniture, vacuuming, and cleaning toilets. They also told us that as the new leaders on campus we had to be spiritually prepared. So, when we weren’t working physically, we were supposed to be praying and fasting for them. There was absolutely no rest and it was exhausting in every sense possible. Not to mention that when the new Augusts arrived, so did daily corporate exercise, which meant that we never had a chance to recuperate.
The August class came and, for me personally, that was the beginning of the end. I couldn’t have said this then, but I was watching these innocent, unsuspecting people (some were minors) walk into the terrible situation that I was living in. I started to realize I just couldn’t do it anymore. I could justify what was happening if I was the only one being harmed, but I couldn’t justify harming other people as well. I hadn’t applied to be an assistant Core Advisor (ACA), but I was put in the position because I was a January intern, only 1 of 50 or so interns on campus that had an idea of the rules. I was excited and happy because it was prestigious position and I would be able to do what I had actually gone to the HA to do (help others), but (besides the physical and emotional fatigue) I was nervous because I didn’t want to put them through what I had been put through.
As an ACA, I was responsible for all the girls in my room. I had to keep them in line and make sure they followed every rule. There was one girl that hated the rules so much that she would take it out on me, staring me down and almost yelling. There were definitely times that I felt like I was in danger, but my superiors told me that the problem was actually a demon within her. I was told that I was actually fighting spirits and not “flesh.” At one point, this smart young woman was grounded to her room for not turning in a paper for class. During the time that she was grounded to her room she went to the bathroom and it was my job to ask her, “Where did you go?” and “Why did you leave?” I remember thinking, “This is really stupid. What are we doing here?” But these questions and doubts were forbidden. Questions were seen as dissent and could only mean you were “one of them” or someone who does not support Teen Mania completely. There was a very strong sense of the people in Teen Mania being good, and the people outside in the world being bad. This completely added to my terror of the “outside world.” Think back to the incident at Wal-Mart- we were completely mortified- and, because Teen Mania had completely resocialized us, were unprepared to live in the outside world.
As “leaders” we were encouraged to “challenge” our followers. Learning from example, it meant finding other girl’s weakness and using them to manipulate them. Of course, this was all couched in spiritual language. You weren’t dealing with “people”, you were dealing with dangerous, demonic spirits and this made it completely acceptable because it was for the greater good of God. For example, one of my roommate’s morning routine included putting on makeup. There is nothing wrong with this at all but I felt that her sense of autonomy and self needed to be removed because this dependence should only be found in Teen Mania. I ended up telling her to try not wearing makeup because it was “vain” and “prideful.” At the time, I felt that God told me to do this and had given me special insight into her behavior. I see now that there is nothing wrong with her behavior and is even good for her.
As an ACA, I was also required to write reports on my roommates that were then given to my CA. I was supposed to report on what I had learned about each of my girls and what God wanted to work on in them. In my opinion, this was just so leadership would have more ways to control these people. Looking back, I can see that this system of rules was simply cruel and mean and worked to prevent me from gaining any real friends. The girls were all angry with me and with their loss of freedom. From the outside our room was clean and tidy, but if you got us all into our room it was horrible. I would see other girls and how much fun they had with the other girls in their room, but I had no idea how to have this joy and still follow the rules that were laid before me.
I had worked hard to have enough money for my internship, but this meant that I had no extra cash. Towards the end of August, I began to run out of money completely. I had so little cash that I would wash my clothes in the sink. Knowing that I couldn’t pay anyone back I didn’t want to ask anyone for money – money that I wouldn’t have until I got a paying job when I got back home. (My family had put any extra money that they had towards my tuition – even going to food banks to get groceries after sending me the money I needed some months.) I personally didn’t have a problem with washing my clothes in the sink, but this made the people around me uncomfortable. They would just look down at me, believing that my need was a result of some sin in my life or the life of my parents. Doesn’t this sound familiar? They would say things like, “Where is your faith? God should be providing for you right now and if He is not providing for you then you must be doing something wrong.” This constantly came from my peers and my CA and it became a huge stigma on me, because the situation never changed. There was nothing my family or I could do. I was not getting paid and my family was working as hard as possible to provide for themselves and to help me as well. This added stress was just another blow to my mind and body.
The best way that I can describe the environment at the Honor Academy is survival– emotionally and even physically. Anything that gave you a leg up on someone else, you would use it, because whatever leadership could use as leverage against you, they would use. To me, this explains why the judgment and condemnation is so harsh on campus. You are even encouraged by leadership to “challenge” your peers. This is still a huge problem for me. Even now, recognizing when someone is being nice and reacting in a nice way is incredibly difficult. To believe that people genuinely want the best for you is hard to fathom after the HA. After being told that you are stupid, a failure and unable to do anything correctly over and over, for almost a year, it is difficult to have the expectation that people can be kind or compassionate, not to mention loving. Ironically this is supposed to be a sign of a Christian community.
