We moved a lot when I was a kid, and it made things kind of hard for me when it came to connecting to people, and very easy when it came to cutting ties. About a year before I had my introduction to Teen Mania, I had started going to this small church that had some nice kids around my age. It worked out well because I had just moved there and did not know anyone. I became friends with them fairly quickly, and long story short, I ended up going with them to an ATF. It seemed like a reasonably good experience, and that these people really had a way to “connect to God,” so while I was there, I figured I would check out some of the other things they had to offer. I was also just about to graduate from high school, and not quite feeling ready for college, and I figured that some time with the group would be a good idea…I was naive. Since a prerequisite for doing the HA was a mission trip, I signed up for one, and was soon on my way to South Africa. Looking back, I am amazed at the way these things were run. A bunch of kids are sent into a foreign country with no real clue as to the nature of the culture they are walking into, no idea about the language, nothing. It really is quite disgusting to me.
South Africa was fairly uneventful. I had a bit of a hard time fitting in with most of the people there because I was fairly secular, but the mentality and behaviors started to rub off on me. For the most part, they were nice to me. As I am sure you remember, the first week is filled with sleepless nights and endless “training.” It was mostly sitting through lectures and learning those stupid plays that are going to save the world. All of this was always pushed with a healthy dose of “you are suffering for God, this is an honor.” I tried, and did it without too much complaint. I bought the line that God would be proud of what we were doing. This was the story for most of the trip. I did as they asked, I suffered for God, I thought I was doing a good thing. The two things, however, that really stand out to me about the trip was first, carrying the sound box, that heavy blue thing that for some reason did hot have wheels that could be attached to it. And second, the fact that we went a week in an African desert with only 500mLs of water a day for the side trip I took to Mozambique. There was a limit to how much water they could boil in a day to make sure that it was safe to drink, but still, provisions should have been made to make sure we were well hydrated. I was so massively thirsty by the end of it that I could not stand it. Even worse, half way through that week, I saw the Team Leaders sitting in their hut drinking something they had bought at the store just down the road. Since I was only 18 and on the bottom of the food chain, I was not allowed to leave the compound to get anything for myself, or any of the other poor kids who felt the same way. I was so irritated that they were able to drink more than we were. They just told me I was doing a good thing for God and that I could not have anything else to drink.
About a week after I got home, I left for Texas to start my year as an intern. It was kind of the same story as the mission trip. I was still really secular compared to a lot of the people there, and I really had a hard time fitting in. Even though it was hard for me at first, I realized that it might be a good thing, as it would give me time to spend with God and figure out who I was, what He wanted for me, and where I was going to go. I went through that first week (gauntlet week) where they try to stress you out and see what job you would do well in. It all seemed a bit hokey to me, so much of what they tried to do didn’t bother me. I ended up getting a job in the call center. I was horrible at it. I was trying to get kids to go on mission trips and I had specific call quotas to meet. It got to the point that I was praying that no one would answer when I called so that I could mark down a call but not actually have to talk to anyone. That was bad, but I was getting into really good shape in my off time, and the rest of it was spent praying and reading the Bible. I did not mind it too much; I think I might have even been happy. I eventually memorized entire chapters of the Bible and was able to quote other huge chunks of it. Once they realized how bad I was at telemarketing in the call center, I got moved into another department. It was nice. I was on B shift, so I started work in the afternoon, leaving mornings open for my workout and my quiet time. It was good for me. I became very much withdrawn and interested in doing my own thing. From those aspects, the rest of the year worked out fairly well.
I think the problem for me came in how seriously I took what they taught. From some of the garbage that has been posted about the teachings they have given, it is clear how toxic it is. Being young, naive, and impressionable, I thought these people actually knew what they were talking about, and that God wanted me to act in these ways. I became quite “afraid” of having any kind of relationship because they were terrible, (showing my now agnostic/atheist side of me) I actually thought the devil was there with his minions trying to push me down the wrong path into things like drugs, sex, and any other sin you can think of, and that I need to do everything to try and bring the world to salvation. I had become so out of touch with how people outside of Teen Mania acted that again, I had a hard time making friends when I got to the real world. I had almost become one of those monster shouter type preachers who thought the world was going to hell unless they repented and became like me (I never did yell from a street corner, but these things had become an all-consuming center of my life). People don’t like that too much.
A few months after getting out of the HA, I went to college. I started a degree in a science field, and tried to hold onto what they taught me at the HA. The first couple of years of college, I held on pretty well. I started to do some things they would not approve of, like drinking a little more, and partying, but for the most part, I was good. I worked a lot and went to school, so I did not have a whole lot of free time to really enjoy things. My college years were pretty uneventful, but I guess the biggest thing about the science that I studied was that it taught me how to think. I am sorry for what I am about to say, but as I became more educated, the more I realized that this religious thing I had sunk so much interest into was wrong. I saw that it was all based on the way the world “worked” 2000 to 4000 years ago, and had little relevance to today. After college, I still felt pretty empty with myself, a feeling that probably helped to drive me to Teen Mania, and a feeling that made me take one more trip overseas in search of God and a meaning to my life. Everything I believed really started to fall apart overseas. The cracks had formed during college, and the ideas shattered during my trip. One of the biggest thoughts that led that for me was what kind of God would create something only to torture it in hell. God is a sick SOB if that is the case. This thought pervaded me for a little while, and it started to spread to other things I had been taught. I really started questioning the church’s teachings – both scientific and spiritual.
In the time since then, I have traveled a lot more and I have gotten married. I have almost ruined my marriage because I was still stuck in the BS from Teen Mania. As my spirituality has fallen apart, I have lost a sense of who and what I am. I am massively bitter about the time that I spent there, not because they were abusive, or used me as a paying slave, or any other issue that might come up, it is because they took an impressionable 18 year old kid who had not figured himself out yet, and shoved a line of garbage down his throat. I think within the last year or two I have also realized that I needed to look inside to figure myself out, to find that hole in my life…but it is harder now, and it has made me bitter. I am bitter and depressed because they took who I was and put a false personality there. They took me. The thing that scares me is the only way to get to what will make me happy will also destroy my life, and those who are closest to me. I know that I would not be where I am today if it were not for them, and I hate them for this, and wish with everything that I could go back and stop myself from going there. I really do hope that people see this website and think twice about going. It is a cult, it is abusive, it will ruin lives – it has ruined mine.
11 comments:
I can totally understand where you are coming from. I haven’t lost all faith in a deity of some sort but I do reject some of the literal teachings in the bible. I don’t think you can have a scientific mind about somethings and not really put those things to the test. Your story goes to illustrate the issues people have when they go and were fine with everything but really take the teachings there to heart. This is exactly what they tell people to do and yet if you do you can end up with this action that is totally not what becomes socially and mentally healthy!
THIS! thank you Nick for telling your story!!!!
I totally relate! In fact, it’s crazy that your story popped up here cause this is exactly what I’ve been going through.
The thing that’s been reeling my mind when it comes to the topic of Teen Mania is how they used EVERYTHING bad as a way to get closer to God. Bad food in the Cafe? Preparation for not having food in the future. Sprained your ankle? don’t complain! it’s for God. Bugs everywhere? Get over it, people in Africa need to get saved! Who cares about what you feel or think or want? How. SELFISH.
Fantastic guilt manipulation.
An old song comes to mind, ‘More of You, Less of Me.’ God doesn’t want ‘less of me.’ He want’s ME. He created me, He likes my likes. He actually trust’s me to make choices in this life. He doesn’t want a bunch of dead followers who are scared of Him. He wants people who love Him! (Or so in my opinion, as not everyone here even believes in a god. Obviously, I do. lol.)
How I managed to stifle the truth, the Light to my feet and believe this B.S. is beyond me. But it did teach me so many lessons. Not what I was planning on learning, but I’m glad I learned them all the same.
ALSO – I think there is a big shift that happens around 24/25/26 where you start to actually think for yourself. Lights start clicking on. Especially in our culture where you don’t really get out and get to know yourself until about that age. For T.M. to take a bunch of 18 year-olds BRAINWASH them is pretty fucked up.
I spent the end of my youth in a confused, white-washed state, near dead inside trying to work out/ process what I’d been through.
And it’s only been the last 6 months or so that I’ve been able to get over it. Mostly because I’m growing up and learning how to live on my own.
I write all this to say: if you’re taught life is gonna be kisses and candy canes with ‘God.’ As long as you do everything right you’ll be high as a kite 24/7 and then life hits? You start questioning your foundation.
Religion is a terrible, terrible thing.
I’m a computer programmer, and spend most of my day every day thinking through logic, processes, organizing, finding patterns, categorizing…
I think that’s one of the main reasons I didn’t get more messed up by teenmania than I did.
One of the biggest transitions I’ve made in the last 10 years since I left the HA is realizing that science and logic, and thinking through problems can be as detrimental as it can be helpful.
We live in the age of science, and it is commonly hailed as the ultimate holder of truth. During the renaissance period it was the opposite though. The scientific types were marginalized and dismissed as the crackpot inventor, while the artists were hailed as the holders of true.
The end result is that scientific language is wholly under equipped to write poetry just as paint is under equipped to explain physics.
Be careful not to base all of your beliefs out of a scientific understanding. To do so puts you in the same bucket as the religious zealots that base all of their beliefs on “a feeling” or some such explanation.
You are a mental, physical, spiritual, emotional being. Any time you’re favoring one of those aspects above the others, you’re bound to be out of balance, and take on untrue beliefs.
Sometimes those elements of our being are in conflict, and learning how to deal with their ambiguity is a hard battle [especially for those of us that are naturally scientific, living in a scientific age], but doing so leads to an unbelievable understanding of what beauty is in this world, and it is well worth it.
SHILOH I LOVE YOU!
Nick, I really feel you on the religion bit. (I didn’t go to TM, but I look back on certain preachers I used to admire with a degree of horror.)
What helped me was realizing that, if we simply take the New Testament at face value, what’s taught at Honor Academy is essentially the opposite of what Jesus taught, or any reasonable form of Christian beliefs, for that matter. Jesus was merciful to “sinners” (see the Prodigal Son, the Woman at the Well) but eye-poppingly severe to self-righteous religious hypocrites. See Matthew 23 and you’ll realize He could be preaching directly against Teen Mania.
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you travel around on sea and land to make one proselyte; and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as yourselves.”
Even on the “God created people just to torture them forever in hell” doctrine, Jesus said just about the opposite: “In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.” (Matthew 18:14). According to Jesus, if anyone does go to hell, it’s not because God willed them to be there.
So, if you don’t like HA’s version of Christianity, you’re agreeing with Jesus!
Yes, that makes it a cult. You’re quite right to be upset, and good for you for sharing your story and warning others. Here’s hoping you’re able to pick up the pieces in your life and figure out what works for you.
–Eric
It has been interesting since I found this site. I don’t think I would have if it were not for Ron Luce trying to explain what happened with the emails. I started reading what a lot of other people had to say, and it brought up a lot of what was in me, stuff I did not even know was there. I guess the point is, I want to thank everyone who has shared, and for allowing me to do the same.
-Nick
I can respect people telling their stories about bad experiences and what they have learned in retrospect. But blaming TM for almost ruining your marriage, talk about taking no responsibility for your own actions. Like everyone in life we have bad experiences and incorrect thoughts or advice from someone we trusted but I am the only one to blame for my actions, it seems that would help the moving on process.
Ashley – I don’t think it’s fair to say Nick’s not taking responsibility. Teen Mania influenced Nick’s thought process in a way that was destructive in his marriage – he realized that and began rejecting a lot of what TMM had taught him. I think that is taking responsibility.
I think that if married couples take Ron or Katie Luce’s “viewpoints” into their marriage and treat them like gospel, it can completely ruin a marriage.
For instance, I remember Katie Luce talking to the women at HA about buying lingerie and basically made the point that you shouldn’t dress provocatively in the bedroom because your husband won’t respect you outside of the bedroom. Now, if you are a young woman at the Honor Academy who has recently become a Christian (or, maybe someone who does not have a great support system at home), you may take that to heart and struggle with respecting your husband when you get married if he happens to like that … or maybe as a woman you actually like dressing that way in the bedroom … but, because of the teaching that you’ve taken to heart – you’ve introduced both shame and a possible loss of respect for your husband. Those are 2 things that can completely destroy a marriage.
I think there are a lot of these kinds of “landmines” in the HA teachings.
Vas sint diah ol un sawuh? Diah sint ol ushd eyah tsat un fuwasteuh. Gant un gdeeut un lavuh! Yasus glahd eyh ol and diah sedut gah sa nawmuh shpreaduh un natt eyh so aushickuh vee dess.
“I am massively bitter about the time that I spent there…because they took an impressionable 18 year old kid who had not figured himself out yet, and shoved a line of garbage down his throat. …because they took who I was and put a false personality there.”
exactly how i feel. it has taken me years after TM to figure things out, too – and i still am. thanks for sharing, Nick. hope things start to get clearer and you become at peace with whatever beliefs you find and keep as your own.
i’m thankful that this site exists so we know that others are going through the same things.
nick, please read “love wins” by rob bell. after two years with teen mania, the biggest question i left with was the same as yours “how could a god who promises in the bible to NEVER leave you nor forsake you and to LOVE you FOREVER send you to hell?” READ IT!!!! it’s not a perfect book, but really helped me understand so much more and view god and people so differently. ultimately, god is love, and my job is to love people. that’s it. just love.