I have been reading this blog and commenting for over a year now. Until now I didn’t feel it necessary to really share my experience because I wasn’t nearly as hurt as many people have sadly been. I would describe my Honor Academy year as a “good” year. Not terrible, not exceptional. What made it good was the grace of God Himself, my friends and the fact that my ACAs (room leaders) were NOT controlling by any means, and were very supportive. I also think I am the only intern who never had an actual conversation with Dave Hasz! The August 98 was the first gigantic class, so I could blend in nicely, haha.
What finally made me wish to share my experience was reading Heath’s/”Keith’s” story. I realized I have finally fully acknowledged my hurts and the injustices done to me unlike Heath (and not dismiss them because they don’t seem as blatant as other stories) so it is worth sharing if it might help somebody else who experienced something similar. I do still have friends that are pretty pro Teen Mania so hopefully I won’t alienate you guys too much if you figure out who I am =).
Also, a few weeks ago, I was discussing with my family the issue of spiritual authoritarianism and the holiness movement and how another missions organization I was involved in after the Honor Academy is also big on those things (though it’s not quite as bad with that organization because it is very decentralized, though individual bases are cult-ish). For the first time, I vocalized that I was never part of the “in”/leadership crowd. No matter how holy I got, I just wasn’t good enough…and I have struggled with condemnation and feeling “out of God’s will” ever since, until recently. This is the problem with holiness movement theology that both organizations perpetrate. Then to compound it all and make matters worse, spiritual authoritarianism says “you must obey what I personally deem is holiness.” I also finally told my parents/family all about the stories from this blog, much to their horror (probably for sending me there) but they completely validated my feelings and conclusions.
Most of my intern year was fairly benign besides two things. The main thing that happened to me was summer missions ’99. I had been to Russia twice before the HA and was excited to go back as an intern missions advisor (MA – in charge of a small group), to both go back to the country I had a heart for as well as learn leadership skills in missions. This is one of the things I had highlighted about the HA to my supporters. During training, I was still about $1,500 short for my trip. One day I was trying to get a hold of my parents all day to see if any funds had come in or if my Dad was getting paid from a construction job and could help me. I finally got a hold of them a few minutes before curfew. Needless to say, I was about 10 minutes late for curfew. I had NEVER been late for curfew or ANYTHING else my Intern year, so I figured everyone would understand that I had to talk to my parents and that I adhered to all rules otherwise.
I was wrong. When I got back my room leader said she would have to tell my trip Team Leaders (TLs). I don’t blame her at all, she apologized and didn’t want to “rat out her buddy” to the TLs but knew she had to follow the rules (as I mentioned before, she was very understanding and non-controlling, she never “confronted” me about having a close guy friend because she had a close guy friend her undergrad year and was confronted ALLL the time for it).
So when it came to MA selection, I was informed by my female team leader that I was not selected because I was 10 minutes late for curfew, and it wouldn’t be fair to select me when all the other candidates had shown 100% integrity the whole training. I was placed in a small group with a non-intern as my MA. By God’s grace she was totally cool and never lorded anything over me, and their was another girl in our group that wasn’t selected to be an MA, so we were all humble with each other and had a great trip together.
I tried to push aside my hurt and reasoned up until recently that it was just God showing me I was “to be a leader without a title.” So I assumed that role. Even after the HA I never sought out a title, youth pastor, manager or anything else. I felt I could relate to teenagers better without a title. I guess that started my slow regression out of the organized/spiritual authority hierarchy-based church and my present journey into mysticism. Only recently have I been able to fully seek Christ for myself, without Dave Hasz’s words echoing in the back of my mind, saying that I have a “seared conscience” because I disagree with Teen Mania on whatever theological or political point.
Now I realize it was just overly harsh of my leaders and that’s all there is to it. I had paid oodles of money for the HA to learn how to be a leader, but I was never given the chance to lead ANYTHING.
Part of my healing from this actually involved my boss. Two years ago my boss decided to make me the manager and I never thought I had leadership in me. Funny how it took my atheist boss to see that I AM a strong leader because I work hard and am honest, and now my personality has totally changed…from an introverted sheep like follower to assertive and opinionated. My personality had been repressed by my experiences with Teen Mania and the general theological consensus growing up that women are supposed to follow men.
The second thing that happened I knew was plain wrong from the get go. And that was on our long road trips to ATFs, etc. the trip leader has this torturous rule of only stopping every 4 hours for a bathroom break. Now I understand we have a schedule to keep, and if a bus filled with 30 people stopped every 30 minutes for someone to pee, that would be a bit ridiculous. I have the world’s smallest bladder, and that was hell for me. I literally had determined once I would just have to wet myself. Luckily, I was shown mercy twice because once I guess I looked like I was going to faint and the other time the guy said, “we’ll stop because you’re turning blue.” But only I was allowed to get out on one of those occasions to save time, meanwhile my friend later told me she was at the back of the bus crying because she had to go as well but was not allowed to.
That is straight up torture. I do not need to list the medical problems with the bladder and kidneys that one can develop from not being permitted to empty their bladder. For God’s sake, schedule more time for your ATF trips so you can allow for more humane treatment!
In hindsight I know what made the rest of my year “good” is that I have the support of a wonderful family. My parents are Christians, and taught me to think for myself, ask questions of leadership, not just blindly follow, I had good self esteem, etc. I was able to protect myself from being fully controlled or belittled. This is one of the reasons I never talked to Dave Hasz. I wasn’t there for Dave Hasz. I was there for God. What would my year have been like if I came from a broken background, and fully followed everything my “leaders” said? I hate to imagine. And that is what breaks my heart, drives me to pray for this mess and finally now to share my story, because many people have a broken past and little support at home. I hope it helps someone out there, no matter how “small” you think your hurt was: fully acknowledge it. Only then can you begin to move on and re-discover that part of yourself that was taken.
9 comments:
Hi Nichole,
Thanks for sharing your story, it’s amazing how sometimes we can reason to ourselves that what happened doesn’t matter… when in fact it dictates to this day how we live. I’m so thankful that you are realizing that you can be a leader, that you can be trusted with responsibility even though TM told you that you couldn’t. May God continue to use you where you are!
Nicole, thanks for sharing your story. I also didn’t have much opportunity to lead at the internship. A friend and I regularly talked about how we were supposed to be learning leadership if we never got to practice it. As a teacher, I know that information you hear without putting into action doesn’t have a high rate of retention. A model where students hear information for a year without any practical opportunities to apply it is a lot of “in one ear, out the other” which in some cases with TM teaching is fine. 😉
I am in total agreement about the bathroom issue. I was one of two drivers on a trip to Kentucky. I had the first shift on the way home, which meant that I had to (legally) sleep for 8 hours before the trip. Some of our team ate “chili spaghetti” that the host church catered backstage for dinner. That night, I had terrible heartburn, and my stomach was super upset. I barely slept. The next morning, we loaded up the van and set out. I had to pull over 15 min in because I had such terrible stomach cramps. We stopped at a gas station that had ONE bathroom. I came out of the bathroom and 8 other kids who had eaten the chili spaghetti were in line, doing the potty dance. I had to pull over 30 minutes later to go to the bathroom again, and those same 8 people also had to go. At this point, the GI who was with us (and she was the only other certified driver), told us to hold it. She said that she had been to India, and KNEW it was possible to hold it, and that it was unacceptable to stop every 30 minutes because it would take us 24 hrs to get home. However, I was driving a full 15 passenger van with a u-haul trailer strapped on the back, and I could not “hold it” and drive safely. And since I was the only driver who could legally drive the van for the next 8 hrs, I told her that we weren’t in India and that as long as I was driving, I would pull over as often as we needed to because NOBODY should have to hold it. Not surprisingly, I was reprimanded when we returned by the GI’s boss (not mine…).
Yes, I know now it wasn’t just me =(. Also, my second mission trip to Russia, trip C 1997 the Team Leader’s “punished” us all by not allowing us to use the restroom. Story: several people were a few minutes late for breakfast. So they “punished” us all by saying “since some of us were late as a punishment no one is allowed to use the restroom on the way out to ministry today”. And of course, no bathroom breaks the whole day. Not until we got back that night.
Abuse, plain and simple.
What you said at the end, “no matter how “small” you think your hurt was: fully acknowledge it. Only then can you begin to move on and re-discover that part of yourself that was taken.” will stay with me for the rest of my life. I tend to just push hurts into the back of my mind and ultimately I end up being stressed out by them without having any conscious understanding as to why I’m stressed out and restless at night.
I’m learning so much about how to grow as a young man, and person and as a Christian now that I’m two years out of active church membership with no church to call home. Since I left my home church in 2010 for the first time in my life I have strong brothers in the Lord that I hang out with on Saturdays and we’re able to be accountable with it being awkward or forced.
Also, I’m able to recognize when someone else is wrong and accurately state my case without internalizing all the blame on myself and making it a huge pity party. I’m still working on the self-condemnation part, but I’m finally able to recognize it, which is a HUGE step for me!
I’m so thankful this blog exists and that you’re able to share your story as well. God bless you!
Anonymous – Thanks for sharing. That is awesome!
Refusing to allow one to use the bathroom is yet ANOTHER way they abuse interns and teach them that their body’s needs are bad. Its just sick.
Wow, anonymous, you’re welcome…thank you for posting! I’m so thankful I could help in some small way, I knew I was supposed to share finally for some one else’s sake.
That was me at the back of the bus. Crying because I had to go so bad but when they let Nicole off the bus to go, they wouldn’t let me because I hadn’t been telling anyone that I needed to go.
Yup. the bathroom rule is absurd. i only had to put up with it on two trips: pike’s peak and tulsa atf my intern year. luckily we had a pregnant staff woman riding in our bus on the pike’s peak trip so we got to stop more frequently. however, we were sternly commanded NOT to get off the bus with her for a bathroom break unless it was a real emergency. the bus driver was very mean about it, and stared at us all testing to make sure no one would get off. i was so scared i held it even though i was painfully in need so that i wouldn’t be the only girl getting off the bus with the staff member. luckily, the second time we stopped, i was in so much pain i ignored the bus driver’s stares and commands and got off with the staff member. after i got off, several other ladies who apparently were also in pain and were scared of being “wrong” for needing to use the bathroom (wow, right?!) followed me off the bus, too. proof it just takes one to stand up for what’s right and others will realize truth and follow.
the other trip to tulsa atf was horrible. the bus driver didn’t stop when he was supposed to because everyone was asleep (he thought) and he wanted to just drive straight back to texas. that’s a long drive, especially with a big, slow bus. i was NOT sleeping! i was awake in pain because i had to pee. we had been told to drink a lot of water during the tulsa atf because it was so physically demanding. i hadn’t thought about the bus ride home! i was in so much pain that i couldn’t hold it any longer. i tried to pee into a water bottle! without going into too many details, that was a disaster! luckily pain drives away my fear, and i had the nerve enough to tell the bus driver i really, really needed a bathroom break. once again, as soon as the bus stopped and i got off, a stream of people followed me who were also not sleeping but sitting in pain waiting for the allowed break the bus driver was choosing to skip. ridiculous!!!!!!! my GI year (yes, i went back!) i opted out of the trip to the grand canyon because i knew what was coming. no bathroom breaks and painful bus rides (in addition to all the other bs that happens on these types of “stretching” events like extreme sleep-deprivation and too much physical activity that leads to injuries.) i stayed alone in our GI housing and had an amazing time by myself resting and enjoying myself. which of course if leadership had known how much i enjoyed skipping the “retreat” i would most likely have been made to feel guilty and a sinner.
i agree that TM should allow more time for driving trips to allow for humane treatment of those interns who are pouring out their heart and soul to work for the ministry. going to the bathroom should not be an event that drives you into shame and fear for having a normal bodily function more often than once every 4-6 hrs! In fact, a body that is properly hydrated should be urinating more like once every 1-3 hours.
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