Things got extremely difficult for me when I returned home from my missions trip. Teen Mania does very little to prepare kids to return to the “real world” after being part of a Global Expedition. I had many strong emotions when I returned from my trip, but I didn’t feel like anyone could really understand what I had just been through and wouldn’t really be able to relate. I had talked to pretty much everyone I knew about my trip before I left in an effort to raise money, so of course everyone was asking me about it when I got home. I felt guilty saying anything negative about the trip to people who had donated to help me go, so I covered up my emotions and usually just smiled and said “Oh, it was great!” or something like that.
I felt absolutely disconnected from God when I got home from my trip. I was still very much struggling with same-sex attractions, and thanks to the advice & “healing” I received while on my trip, I now viewed this as a direct lack of faith on my part. I was lonely, scared, and confused. I started to question my salvation. I became suicidal for the first time in my life. I didn’t know who to turn to, so I made a phone call to the Teen Mania 800-number and started talking to the intern who answered the phone. She was confused because I wasn’t calling about Acquire The Fire or a Global Expedition…I just wanted to talk to someone. She listened to me talk for a few minutes about how I couldn’t feel God anymore and I didn’t know if I was “saved” anymore…then she sort of cut me off and tried to quote me a few Bible verses about God never leaving us and she prayed for me while I was on the phone. Then, she wished me luck and hung up. I felt like there was no real effort to really get to know more about my situation, and she definitely didn’t ask me for my contact information or follow up with me in anyway.
The depression I was experiencing was growing worse by the day, and I was seriously considering taking my own life. I still, however, believed that someone at Teen Mania could offer me something….some sort of glimmer of hope…anything, really. I read and re-read books by Ron Luce, hoping I would find some real advice for Christians struggling with homosexuality. I checked their websites and message boards to see if I could find anything. When I couldn’t, I got so desperate that I decided I would send an e-mail to Teen Mania detailing my struggle and asking for some specific advice. I also sent a similar e-mail to the male Project Director from my missions trip to Venezuela.
Neither of the responses I got were anywhere near adequate. The intern who responded to the e-mail I sent to Teen Mania quoted some scripture about how God won’t tempt us beyond what we can bear, and he or she actually wrote a little prayer I could say to ask God to get rid of the “demons of homosexuality” in my life (I thought I already tried that!). Again, there was not any inkling of being interested to hear more about my story or any desire to follow-up with me at a later date to see how I was doing. The response I got from my Project Director was basically “just keep praying about it.” I was crushed. I just so desperately wanted to be a “good Christian,” and it took so much courage to send those e-mails and share such personal things with these people. And instead of trying to actually get to know me and offer me some real suggestions, these people just had canned responses to my hurt and pain, and showed no interest in making sure I was okay.
It was at that time that things just went from bad to worse in my life. The next few years were characterized by such extreme loneliness and depression that it is still hard to think about 10 years later. I was completely disillusioned with Christianity as a result of my experience with Teen Mania, and that last e-mail I sent to them would end up being the last direct involvement I ever had with the ministry. I realize now that so many false beliefs and unrealistic expectations about God were instilled in me by Teen Mania, and I still find myself struggling with some of these issues even as I approach the age of 30. I see in my own life how far-reaching the damage done to an individual by Teen Mania can really be, and I’m starting to find out that I’m not alone….that there are a whole bunch of other people out there who have been really hurt at the hands of Teen Mania. This is my story–and I want to protect other kids from going through the hurt that I had to go through, which is why I’m speaking out.
12 comments:
moriahsays:May 4, 2010 at 7:21 AM
robbie,
reading your story was really really intense for me.
as i was reading it, a deep feeling of loss and grief came over me. i mourn the years i lost giving myself to teen mania in an attempt to be closer to god.
i am so sorry you were put to so much shame for such trivial matters.
i fully support you in your sexuality, your spirituality, and your journey of healing.
love,
moriah
Robbie, a lot of what you wrote I could relate to, even though I was an intern. You used a lot of the same phrases I have used when I talk about my TM experience. Thank you for taking the time to write it all out!
This story is insane. I’m so sorry this happened. Did your ankle fully heal? i hate mission trips with GE.
Anonymoussays:May 4, 2010 at 1:15 PM
Robbie–
I am so sorry for what happened to you and I am so thankful you are doing to good job at processing it. Thank you for sharing your story.
CarrieSaumsays:May 4, 2010 at 3:27 PM
i am so completely stunned by this. i’m sorry you had to endure this, robbie. i had a great experience on my GE trip, which is why i decided to do the internship. i’m glad you cut your ties early on with them you deserve much more than a general dismissive email about deep fears. i’m glad you are part of our cyber-community here. 🙂
Wow, Robbie, that was just brutal to read, and certainly sobering for those of us who were bred to like a side of emotionalism with our worship events.
More and more I’m seeing this lack of ability to empathize as the chief hallmark of an abusive leader.
Food for thought, to be sure.
Robbie,
I just want to say I’m glad that you had the guts to come forward and tell your story. I’m so sorry that happened to you. We as Christians really need to learn what it means to “bear one another’s burdens”. We are so quick to talk in Christianese and quote a few scriptures and move forward without considering the true weight of someone’s issue.
We expect sometimes for God to do everything instantaneously. That is so unrealistic and is one of the reasons why so many hurting leave the church. When things don’t happen right away, people are deemed to have a “lack of faith” when that may not be the case.
But the Bible does say: “Those of you who are spiritual, restore your brother in a spirit of gentleness” (paraphrase)
A couple of things are sticking in my mind from this:
1) The consequences of defining worship as an emotional “mountaintop” experience (which sadly is hardly exclusive to TM!)–when the experience was missing or deficient, one might really think that their relationship with God is missing or deficient. (This one hits closest to me personally since I’m a worship leader.)
2) The insidious use of word programming (a common cult technique) by TM leaders. “Don’t be a complainer, be grateful” = “Don’t point out that the facilities we’ve overcharged you for are lacking in basic hygiene.”
3) The appalling lack of anything remotely resembling competent counseling for young people dealing with sexual struggles. (Yeah, I’ll pray and cast out the demons of your face!)
This just keeps looking worse and worse.
Anonymoussays:May 5, 2010 at 6:58 PM
I’m not defending Teen Mania or the deplorable hotel conditions, but I would like to point out that the majority of money for a mission trip goes to the airline ticket. Robbie’s airfare was probably in the neighborhood of $1200. This does not defend anything about the conditions, but I just wanted to point out the reality of the expense of overseas travel.
Anonymoussays:May 5, 2010 at 9:04 PM
@ anon:
i booked large groups of missionaries on international flights for several years. airlines cut large groups of people fantastic deals on international flights. right now, you can buy a a single RT non-stop ticket from Dallas to Venezuela for about $1,000. ten years ago, i’m sure it was significantly less expensive. 🙂
Anonymoussays:May 5, 2010 at 11:09 PM
My heart breaks. It is soo hard to see even just a “missionairy”‘s statement about the way TM turned his salvation into something continiously to be strived for. Sacrifice and beating your body is not just ingrained into the interns, but ALL the young teens that have wanted to “be on fire” for GOD. I just cant see that He would rejoice in this??? Why dont we all become Hindu and sit in a pile of dung without water all day so that we can show our dedication to God??? This has to stop……
Anon,
While that maybe true, I went on an Adventure trip with Lori Slaughter and a few other interns to Brazil in Nov of 2001 and the conditions were awesome.
TM definitely screwed up the trip. We stayed with a host family and had an amazing time. That was probably the best part of the HA for me. Granted, there were less than 11 people on our trip. I wanted to stay in Juiz de Fora and not come back.
