First of all, I’d like to get it straight that I don’t hate Teen Mania. I don’t consider it a cult. I don’t regret having been a part of it. I don’t love Teen Mania. I don’t put it on a pedestal of spiritual perfection. I regret a lot of my choices during the internship and shortly thereafter.
Let’s be honest. It’s easy to expect perfection from a church or leader or Christian experience. It’s difficult to forgive the people we once held in such high spiritual regard. We learn they’re human and they hurt us and it just sucks. Yet I believe it’s inevitable. I think it’s just a part of growing up. At some point, the beliefs we hold about where we’ll be once we follow through with dot dot dot (say an internship, college, military service, a new job…) shatter. They so frequently blow up in our face, and not just in the realm of Christian experience. Reality fails to meet ideals, and people have nervous breakdowns. We learn that the teachers we thought were so smart, weren’t any different from us. We’re after the same piece of paper as anyone else in our degree. But it’s not enough. We find we’re not as knowledgeable or equipped as we expected to be, or need to be. Things that look good on paper, exist solely on paper.
So I’m not going to deny that Teen Mania hurt me. I won’t argue that your post internship wounds aren’t real. Leaders disappointed me. People betrayed me. I lived with a list of reasons why I was a failure, and much of it was directly related to my experience at Teen Mania.
But as I go through and unpack my feelings, I wonder, who did I hurt? Can I remember that far back? Who I let down and betrayed? Because it happened. I’m sure it happened at some point because I’m just like them. I’m just like you. I’m faulty and frail and fickle and human. The work in me that He has begun–it’s not completed, and I am forever getting in the way of that.
I feel somewhat torn about how I can describe my experience to you. But I think it’s important to finally consider these things, after having had that whole year on a closet shelf in the back of my mind for too many years. I apologize if it sounds like word vomit.
I’ve been out of the Teen Mania “loop” for years. I don’t visit the alumni site and I’ve never been good at keeping in touch with former interns. When I first heard about this blog, I realized that I had put that entire year on a shelf, where I would think about it less and less, to the point where I’d nearly forgotten it was a part of my life.
From the moment I attended an ATF conference my freshman year of high school, I knew I wanted to go to the Honor Academy. I had been a Christian for as long as I could remember, but I’d also been an imperfect creature for my entire life. My experience with Christ was one where I never doubted his existence, or the fact that He was the only Way. My mom had raised my sister and I to be Christians, but we rarely attended church. As I got old enough to look for a church home on my own, I really struggled to find a place where I felt I belonged.
Two particular points of insecurity hovered above me. I had always had a non-existent at best, painful at worst relationship with my father. I didn’t know what it was like to have a good father, and searching for the love I was missing admittedly caused me to be boy crazy. I wasn’t promiscuous, but I had a lot of boyfriends throughout high school, or there was always someone out there as a crush. The other insecurity was what I saw as a lack of a testimony. As I’ve mentioned, I can remember choosing Christ for as long as I could remember. But in high school I struggled to reconcile Christian life to teenage life. I felt that I was doomed to be a “crappy Christian.” I wondered how I could ever lead anyone to Christ because I wasn’t ever going to be strong enough. Each time I attended a Christian conference or what-not I went up with the altar call or rededicated my life. Obviously, I wasn’t secure in my salvation. I always thought I had done something unforgiveable. So when I heard about The Honor Academy, I really thought it was amazing. And perfect–just what I needed. I remember looking at the interns standing before everyone and talking about the internship. I instantly admired them and wanted to be as strong as them.
I went on a missions trip with Global Expeditions the summer before my senior year. That trip gave me a taste of how kind people were going to be–what strong bonds I would be making when I went to the internship! I somehow convinced my non-believer father to fund the year for me. So I went a couple weeks after my 18th birthday.
In some ways, being a part of the Honor Academy made me feel on top of the world. It felt good to go outside my comfort zone and meet new people and try new things. Despite some ups and downs, I think the first semester went alright for me. When I look back on it now however, I see how several things were coming together to help reaffirm my feelings of unworthiness. Finding an accountability partner, for instance. It seemed everyone around me had a real strong bond or great story about choosing each other. But everyone I asked had someone else in mind. I finally was asked by a friend who previously told me no, but whose primary choice had rejected her as well. Honestly, I knew she wouldn’t really hold me accountable. We had too many similar issues. But I really tried to take the whole thing with a grain of salt–I told myself this was just something I didn’t necessarily see eye to eye on with the ministry. But truthfully, the experience planted a small seed in my mind that reinstilled the feeling that I would never be a strong Christian.
I applied to become an ACA but was not accepted. I was sad but “knew” it was because I wasn’t good enough. One of my current ACAs was constantly telling me all the things I was doing wrong and somehow I wasn’t getting any better. I remember when she told me I had a problem talking too much about myself and that whenever people brought up an issue, I claimed to have it too. I was befuddled about that because I’m a very introverted person. It was hard for me to open up to people, but when she told me that, I decided to talk even less. And I tried to never bring up anything about myself. The same ACA also began to make comments to me that I spent too much time with another intern, a guy friend of hers. So I tried to avoid him as well. That started to prove difficult for me, because I was always a bit lonely and he talked to me. He asked to see my art and thought highly of it. Then other coremates would bring him up and tell me that he was asking about me, or he was staring at me during worship. Luckily, I thought, he was half a year ahead of me and would be leaving shortly, so I worked on repressing any feelings I had developed for him.
I threw myself into my work in the New Business Development department. I was initially hired as an administrative assistant, one of three, and definitely on the third rung. It was okay though, because my boss (the paid TM employee above me) seemed to catch my strengths. She had me do a lot of writing, including some for the online devotional. I enjoyed what I was doing. And appreciated that someone had caught that my assigned post wasn’t really me. In the meantime, I had this male desk partner who was really rude to me. At the time when it meant so much to me to “belong,” it was incredibly hurtful. I talked to my ACAs about it and their response was that I should be careful because I probably had a crush on him. So the message was that I was irrational to be hurt by someone I didn’t know very well being mean to me. But at the time, I just tucked into the back of my mind the things they said, and again added to the list of improvements I needed to make.
8 comments:
My opinion:
Teen Mania has created and sustained a culture with one central theme: Not Good Enough.
This theme comes from the top and trickles down throughout the hierarchy of leadership.
It is subtle at times, but very powerful. It seems to especially affect those who have experienced a previous hardship or instability in their familial structure.
It is truly unfortunate that what could have been a place of healing, love and grace is a tightly wound structure of judgement, betrayal, and manipulation.
(and all in the name of God)
May 24, 2010 7:42 AM
Candor said…
Shannon, I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I know you said you had great times that year as well and I believe you, I’m just sorry for the pain you had to deal with.
I agree with Moriah that a major theme at TMM is: Not Good Enough.
May 24, 2010 8:25 AM
Jacqueline said…
Shannon– you are beautiful beyond description. I’m sorry this happened to you, I had no idea what you were dealing with. How frustrating! Oh and I think that ACA liked the guy in question. . . . isn’t that how confrontations between women at the HA really happen?
May 24, 2010 8:47 AM
Eric P. said…
Here’s to the weak things that shame the wise.
May 24, 2010 9:13 AM
Anonymous said…
Sorry but I think the whole ACA program is a total waste. I had a great person the first semester but that’s what she was – a great person. She wasn’t a great room leader. And I don’t understand why you would need a room leader anyway. They’re in the same boat you are learning the same things you are.
Then the 2nd semester it was awesome because I was a January with an August ACA. I didn’t even apply for that position. I thought the program was retarded. It was awesome getting a newbie to “lead” the room because she’d been there for a week when I had been there for 8 months. If I had something to talk about why would I go to someone who just got there? I never did. The point is that the program is stupid. My own personal belief is that they (the Cult leaders) just wanted spies in every room. But, hey, maybe that’s just me.
May 25, 2010 7:57 AM
z said…
Anonymous –
“And I don’t understand why you would need a room leader anyway.”
Lol! Really room leaders? Yeah, why does someone need to lead a room?
You’re right, the room leaders are probably just spies to micro manage your life at the HA.
May 25, 2010 11:33 AM
Josh ex-intern 00-01 said…
About the ACA thing, the first semester, August, I had a January ACA. He was pretty cool. Then I had an Aug ACA when the January’s left, and since I wasn’t the typical intern, and didn’t fit in with the rest of my room, I got tossed by the wayside. So, I have to agree with Anonymous and Z, the ACA has to be just about spying on interns so that HA knows what you’re doing at all times.
May 25, 2010 12:11 PM
Anonymous said…
I know this is rather off the main topic, but I thought I’d jump on the ACA band wagon, just for a moment…ha!
My original ACA was great, not pretentious or a micro manager, we were great friends. As you can imagine he was hounded a lot concerning our room and our actions. We all had a say in our small room decisions and all was quite fair. At semester he was asked to step down for being to cavalier (or to much of a Mavrick perhaps??) with his room. He was then moved and a new ACA was assigned to us. He over compensated for, something and was a horrible micro manager! He perfected a way to only be around at curfew and he would always tell us what we were doing wrong before he went to sleep. I know you wont be able to believe this, but he Effed up too and was asked to leave. So we got a new guy with two months to go. He also made a mistake and was asked to leave, so we went ACA free for the last month. This was the best, most open and honest time we had all had since first semester. The last month was brilliant…..
The End.
July 23, 2010 11:02 AM
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