Somehow with the second semester, all hell broke loose. I hadn’t realized how lonely I would become as the second semester worse on. Many of the people I really confided in had graduated at the end of my first semester. I began to feel very out of place. The powers that be moved me to a different department where they said my writing would be used more effectively. Ideally, I should have loved what I was doing but it felt like I was ultimately an afterthought to the marketing team and very little of the work I did was actually used. I found myself putting off deadlines and goofing off during work hours. What really hurt me was that no one cared.
Meanwhile, that desk partner who’d been mean to me changed his behavior. I pretty much got along really well with all the guys in his core and then he and I began to be able to have a friendship. I don’t remember when it was that I realized I had really strong feelings for him. It was confusing. As I was feeling less and less like I fit in (especially among other women there), I was developing a friendship with a guy who seemed eerily similar to me once we got to know each other. I’m not sure how to explain it, but me, being a sucker for romance, and pretty attention-starved in my family life, I took it as an incredible love story. I only hoped that one day after the internship, I could learn that he returned his feelings for me. About the time I was first admitting my feelings to myself, I began to have GI’s confront me about avoiding the appearance of evil. The gist was that me and this boy talked too much to each other and sat near each other too much for classes. In every case I was told that it was wrong to have feelings for someone at the internship and it was wrong to behave in a way that anyone would think we liked each other. I really wasn’t a confrontational person and I didn’t like to rock the boat, so I didn’t ask why. I just said “okay, thank you for telling me but nothing has happened.”
The sad thing about it is how I never felt free to simply say, “Yes, I do have feelings for this boy but I want to honor the standards here and not act upon it yet.” I couldn’t say that because it was already made clear that my feelings were wrong. At the same time, my undergraduate friends pushed the friendship and in a way, pushed us together. As mutual friends, they saw our similarities and most of them referred to me as “the female version of him” or vice versa. Even my mom, who is very strict about boys, pushed the friendship thinking we were good for each other.
So while I had this blossoming friendship/budding romance, I had more and more reasons to feel worthless. During one of the spiritual “retreats”, Nikki Bradshaw, who never spoke two words to me before, laid hands on me and prayed to cast out my spirit of rebellion and manipulation. She said I was trying to make people like me. Nikki then told me I needed to keep a journal for 30 days listing all the things I was doing to make people like me. I was in shock. I had few friends already. I become increasingly lonely. It felt like I was being told that the very few people who liked me, only did so because I was a liar. Again, I heard the message that I was not good enough.
At some point, I fell into a huge depression. Little things had started piling up on me to the point I wanted to leave. I was miserable for a lot of reasons. For one thing, there was a whole drama going on at home and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I felt selfish being away. The interaction among females on campus had started to grate on me as well. I had several occasions where I loaned clothing (mostly formal gowns or skirts) to other girls and they returned them damaged or ruined. Some would take my things without asking. I mentioned to leadership that I found it very hurtful and believed that people should make such things right. I was told that I was selfish and needed to quit allowing things like clothing to own me. It was also recommended that I dress nicer and more feminine on a day-to-day basis (some of the jeans I wore were skater style, or sometimes I wore t-shirts over long-sleeved collared shirts).
I had been hurting for several months already. I had been concerned because I couldn’t cry for months, no matter how much pain I was in–not physical, mental, nor emotional. Suddenly all I could do was cry. Or sleep. I’m not sure how it worked out but somehow managed to sleep as much as possible. My roommates would be shocked to find me sleeping from 4pm through the entire night, just to do it all over again the next night. I finally told my CA a bit how I was feeling and that I thought I wanted to leave the internship. I explained the thought of leaving put me in tears just as much as the thought of staying. I was miserable. She got me a meeting with Valencia where I was advised to do what I thought I needed to do, but that they were concerned I didn’t have any support at home. I was too fragile to get that I didn’t have any support there at the internship!
Again, I was advised how my attitude was wrong. I knew something was wrong with me. But I also knew I needed help. When I expressed that sentiment, I was told I couldn’t expect others to spoon-feed me. You know, I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps! No one even suggested that maybe I was depressed. Maybe I needed to talk to someone. I realize now how much I needed someone to recognize I was going through clinical depression. I really needed someone to care that much, because no matter how much I tried, I just choked more. But I “sucked it up”, somehow quit crying, and decided to stay the rest of the year.
I went on a missions trip to Amsterdam for a couple weeks in the spring. It was actually kind of weird when I got to “debriefing” myself about it. Relationally, I had a hard time. Kelly Hasz confronted me and said that my behavior toward one of the guys looked bad and people would think we liked each other. I was actually pretty upset. We were talking about a guy I had zero interest in, and because there was no interest there was less trepidation. I could joke around with him without my nerves kicking in. So after that, of course, I avoided him and was even rude because I didn’t want another confrontation. One day when we were supposed to go to the Anne Frank house, one of the girls and I stopped to use the bathroom in our youth hostel. We were supposed to leave in 10 minutes and we had been in the lobby waiting to leave, so we told the people around that we’d be right back. Ha, so everyone left without us a few minutes early. That was nice. We had to wait for someone to finally remember we existed and come back for us. Of course, we didn’t get to see the Anne Frank house. And we couldn’t be prideful and express how hurtful it was that neither of our groups thought to look for us when they left.
Yes, groups. We were broken into groups so that there was always a guy, to kind of “fend” for the girls if things got shady. I get that. But the guy in my group told me he was surprised to see what I was “really like”, because I had always seemed “very aloof.” I’m an introvert. And at the time, I was an extra shy, hurting, nervous-to-say-the-wrong-thing-and-be-damned introvert. But let’s be honest. People like that, we don’t do well at The Honor Academy. I shed many tears at night when I realized I wasn’t outgoing enough or funny enough to make people happy. If you wanted someone to tremember your name, it works best if you’re an extrovert who can be witty on command. Yeah, this might sound harsh, and hopefully not all quiet interns felt this way. I can only speak for my own experience. That people had an unhealthy expectation of “clicking” with others as soon as they met. If you were the quiet one in a group of new people, it’s hard to compete with someone instantly entertaining.
As if I wasn’t already unsure of my salvation, the Amsterdam trip threw in yet another type of doctrine. We were all given a copy of A New Kind of Christian. Initially I was really enthralled with the movement. Don’t call me a Christian, I’m a Christ Follower. Postmodernism and all of that. I don’t want to waste space and start an argument one way or another. What was damaging about the experience was that we were expected to take in everything the author said as God’s Gospel Truth. Just like the rest of the leadership’s messages. I didn’t know how to reconcile the differences.
After the missions trip, issues with “the boy” progressed. People thought we were “made for each other”? That guy. Well, the worst happened. I was hanging out with him and some mutual friends, just running around being teens. At some point the group dwindled to three, and then the boy started rough-housing with his friend who remained. In the process he shut the door on his friend and kissed me. A lot of things ran through my mind. How it was wrong to be kissing a boy, how I was going to be dismissed, how I didn’t know until now that he returned my feelings, and how I was someone who didn’t know how to say no when the person she cared for kissed her. I came away from the moment very confused, and wanting to talk to someone. I spoke to no one though, out of fear.
Out of my own stupidity, I didn’t stop the relationship. We held hands in secret and occasionally snuck away and kissed. It was both a high and low to me. I’d burst into tears during worship at church because I didn’t know how to stop. What you have to understand is that for me, the relationship was nicotine. I needed something better than a slap on the face and a dismissal. I needs help and love. I asked the boy if he felt guilty hiding a relationship at TM but he told me no, because he loved me and knew we’d get married. I was naïve enough to believe it. Really, I was that stupid.
After a while, things came up that made me question his motive and character. Every time I brought up an issue, he was very skillful at pointing the issue back at me. It was like dealing with my own father or sister and as I’d always felt with them, I was ill-equipped to argue. There’s a saying about naïve girls. “Red flags are roses.” I chalked every red flag to me expecting too much. And with the guilt of having a secret relationship, I decided that I really didn’t deserve better. In my mind, I was never going to be the girl who ended up with the really good guy, the strong Christian. I couldn’t because I already let this guy kiss me. I wasn’t a strong Christian. I could never be good enough for God, so I had to be happy with what I got.
I began the road to be a part of the ministry team. I got a few stages in or whatever, and dropped out. I didn’t think I could be valuable to Teen Mania as I was. I was a bad Christian and everyone knew it, anyway, right? None of the leaders at the HA found any worth in me it seemed. So I graduated rather half-heartedly and returned to drama at home, for which I had no support or wisdom.
I think it was within a month of graduation… I wrote an email to Dave Hasz confessing the Honor Code breaking relationship. He was stern but a bit kinder than I had expected. So I replied and returned my ring to his office, requesting that they allow me to make amends and get back into good standing. Dave never responded again. Not to an email. Not to the return of my ring. Nothing. And that hurt me for many years.
And no huge surprise, but my secret boyfriend ended up breaking my heart shortly after the internship ended. By that November, everything kind of blew up in my face. Home life. Love life. All of it. I was so mixed up that I just ran away. I got an acceptance letter to college earlier than I expected, and I took the chance to get out of there. Sadly, I didn’t want to go to college. I’d always been a really good student, but I felt quite strongly that college was the wrong step for me. But when I expressed this to the leadership at the HA during my time there, you would have thought I told them I worshipped Satan. I was inundated with the response that I couldn’t serve Christ if I didn’t give Him my best and I couldn’t give Him my best if I didn’t go to college. To make a long story short? My college career was a disaster.
Phew. Deep breath, almost done.
In my nine years since the internship, I’ve learned to value honesty and confession in a way that I believe The Honor Academy makes impossible to interns. The overt attitude of leadership at HA is to man up when you do wrong and face your punishment like a man. This is not an atmosphere in which struggling people feel comfortable to confess their sins or get help with issues. Even though it’s a group setting, individuals are continually advised to take all responsibility upon themselves to the point where you really are isolated and living with the “knowledge” that everything is your fault.
The message is to continually nail yourself to the cross and crucify the flesh. That sounds good, right? Well, I have since learned that dying to sin requires one thing: Jesus. There is nothing we can do to make Christ’s salvation work, other than to trust Him. Freedom from sin begins with the understanding that Christ already freed us from sin. So why is Teen Mania’s spiritual doctrine so works based? If you love Christ, you’ll go to college even if you don’t think you should. If you’re on fire for the Lord you won’t pursue a secular career, but only work for actual ministries or non-profits. You’ll do this, you’ll do this, you’ll do this.
A few years ago, I had to leave a church that was no longer Christ-centered. It was Torah driven. The Honor Academy, at least when I was there, had a similar problem. I implore them to embrace mercy and love as well as discipline. I implore them to acknowledge that none of us have it right. We are all imperfect people trying to serve a perfect God. Every teaching you hear needs to be weighed against His Spirit. I have learned that I can glean good wheat from almost anyone, but no one (including me) grows all good wheat.
Years ago, I emailed the leadership with thoughts regarding interns who are wounded or who slip through the cracks. I explained my desire to help other women like me and begged them to consider bringing alumni assistance to the program. I was advised to move on with my life. Well, leaders of Teen Mania, please…offer the tools to allow interns and alumni to move on in their lives.
14 comments:
Emelia said…
Shannon, your stories bears so much credibility to me because of your humble attitude, and because you didn’t feel the need to list every wacky thing that happened while you were a part of TM. Fact is, I think everyone reading this blog already knows the craziness of it, but we rarely get to see the side of “this could be a good thing if you just made some changes!”
I’m also really sorry (though not totally surprised) that no one saw it fit to reach out to you in our loneliness and help you develop those real, deep relationships you were hoping for when you came. This is actually one of the reasons I’m no longer involved with TM, because as a Project Director, there was no place for mercy or helping kids change when it got down to it; if they broke the contract, they were gone, didn’t matter how desperate or broken they were, or what kind of hell they were returning to.
Thanks for sharing.
May 25, 2010 7:09 AM
Josh ex-intern 00-01 said…
Shannon – While reading your story, I started to think of my time at TM as well, and how I slipped through the cracks. I can remember feeling unwanted at times, and possibly even depressed. I truly hope that TM/HA take your suggestion, and try to reach out to those like us.
May 25, 2010 7:59 AM
Angela said…
Shannon. Bless you, dear.
May 25, 2010 8:03 AM
Candor said…
Beautifully written. It literally gave me goose bumps reading the last paragraph.
May 25, 2010 8:59 AM
z said…
I’m sorry for the years of grief your internship caused you. It’s crazy how long the pain lasts, isn’t it? I wish peace and comfort. Thanks for sharing.
May 25, 2010 11:18 AM
z said…
It is ridiculous the things TM finds to accuse people of — like “trying to make people like you.”
I try to make people like me too. Who doesn’t? Another term for this sin “being friendly” or “being sociable.”
And why every time someone has a “sin” does TM narrow it down to a spirit of this or that that needs to be cast out? TM is so messed up.
May 25, 2010 11:28 AM
CarrieSaum said…
shannon,
i’m sorry you had to go thru all of that. i can relate on several levels (crazy family life, nikki bradshaw, constant confrontation about everything…). thank you for your transparency. i can really hear your voice in this story, and it’s beautiful.
there are so many things that need to change at TM, but first and foremost, i believe it is the heart of the ministry. without a major shift of paradigm, situations like this will continue to happen.
you are an amazing person, stunning and full of wisdom. you are also loved here.
May 25, 2010 11:54 AM
Jeremy said…
Shannon,
I can relate to you and your story. I was one quiet ones. because I was, I was often overlooked for many things. even my room mates practically ignored me, hardly ever invited me out with them to do things. but I can’t blame them either, they were just doing the tm thing.
I too felt alone, but as you did I sucked it up and kept going and finished the internship.
May 25, 2010 1:55 PM
layne said…
Shannon,
I had thought that you and I were pretty close friends. I am amazed to hear that you were going through such a difficult time. I also didn’t know that you and said crush were having a “secret relationship”, and I probably spent more time with the two of you than I did with anyone else that semester. Weird how that works. I just assumed that when the two of you started fading from our routine day-to-day that it was the inevitable need to disconnect from the January interns that you were about to leave behind. I had no clue that you guys were canoodling. Or maybe I did but can’t remember.
Anyway, I’m sorry that I wasn’t a better friend to you back then. You were always great to me. I treasured the single-cup coffee maker you left for me. You were always such a giving person.
May 25, 2010 2:30 PM
Joel Callaway said…
Wow, Shannon. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s a lot to process. The Honor Academy is a lot to work through… the good… the bad… etc… Add to that returning to a home-life, church, family, love-life that is on the skids… that makes for a hard row to hoe.
May 26, 2010 9:44 AM
shannon nelson said…
@LAYNE! you were definitely someone who made the whole experience better. I probably would have gone mad if I didn’t have you and Val to talk to and hang out with.
It wasn’t anything you did wrong, etc. At the time I didn’t know how to speak up and express my feelings, even to my friends. Some of that was simply the way I felt about myself. I’m pretty sure I distanced myself from you and others because I felt “unworthy” to be friends with you guys. the more I distanced myself, the more I felt like an outsider who could get in, of course.
May 26, 2010 9:51 AM
Christina said…
Thank you for this story. I can relate to so much of it. Introverted and fearful every day of ridiculous confrontations, I cried nearly every day of my internship. I felt the most alone, unloved and unworthy of my life and retreated into myself trying to simply survive the year. It remains the year that created the most damaging long term effects of my life, 14 years later.
May 26, 2010 3:00 PM
Anonymous said…
The beautiful part of everybody sharing their experiences is that despite our pain, God still loves us. So many of us experienced brokenness during that season of our lives, yet I am a firm believer that by pulling off the scabs we are allowing our wounds to heal. As a TM Intern from the Tulsa years, let me tell you that my heart is breaking for the stories I keep reading. May God heal and comfort you all, and may you find it in your hearts to forgive despite the battle scars you carry.
We are not perfect, but we are perfect in the eyes of God. Just know that a number of us “old school” interns are paying attention and praying about what to do. Despite the years which have gone by, we are still family and we care deeply.
Hugs from all over the world….
May 28, 2010 3:48 AM
Recovering Alumni said…
Anonymous – Thanks for that beautiful comment. Much appreciated! 🙂
May 28, 2010 9:49 AM
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