Here is an excerpt of Sonshine’s story that she recently shared with me over email.
I am glad I got out (of the Honor Academy) and went through years of therapy to get my head back to normal. I am still working on it.
I think the most damaging effect that HA had on me, was to get me into a mind set where I felt I was never good enough. That still gets into my head some times. I have to constantly remind myself that there is only one me, and I am unique, and I can do what I set my mind to.
#2 (and it’s right up there with #1) is that it stole my creative spirit. I am an actress, singer, and dancer. I plan on winning a Tony Award (I have since I was little), so that’s not a good thing. Aside from not getting into the dance crews, worship teams, or drama teams because I was “Goth” I also started to think my creative ideas were stupid… NOT a good place to be.
It’s 6 years later, and I am FINALLY going back to school for music, and performing in professional theatres again. That is what I feel that teen mania stole from me that is the hardest to get back. My self-confidence and creativity (I think really they are tied together).
But on a side note:
I was always an odd kid, and got really suicidal when I tried to fit in with everyone else, and I first felt like I could be myself with a Goth/Punk youth group, and that’s why I became a Christian…
The kids at Teen Mania had ALL SORTS of rumors about how I had been a satanic witch and had committed sacrifices and death rituals… blah blah blah….
One of the kids asked me randomly one day how hard it was to leave that stuff behind. I first told them that I grew up christian, and had given my teddy bears communion when I had to miss church as a small child, and then I explained I had “given my life to Jesus” at a Gothic Bible Study…. I thought they were about to die.
The way I realized that it was destroying me, was when my high school youth pastor died, and I came up to his funeral/memorial and I was scared of all of the punk and goth friends that I had since I was a kid…. and I realized that I needed to leave, because I loved them too much to be scared of their clothing. (and they were the Christian friends)
6 comments:
Wow. That is crazy! And so true! I remember really wanting to get into the creative ministries and stuff and how crushed I was when I didn’t get in. I understood not getting in, it was fine if I wasn’t what they were looking for. But it was the condemnation that came afterward… because if you tried out and didn’t get in it was because you weren’t “good enough” to get in.
I was the kid that didn’t fit in anywhere, I wasn’t what the ministry was looking for. I dont know what T.M was like 10 years ago but I just recently graduated and it was all about the ministry. it was like, class’s revolved around the work schedule. if the ministry was failing they canceled classes. And if you couldn’t help the ministry you might as well leave. That’s how I felt at least.
I’m so sorry Sonshine you went through that. I can see how it would happen so easily. I dont want to blame teenmania for the issues we have, again I’ll say… I just think Teenmania was a waist of money – the place just messes with your head. 🙂
October 8, 2009 1:24 PM
Diane said…
Sonshine!
I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were! I wondered how TM would affect you… I’d hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t crush your spirit.
Our trip to NY was my last trip with TM – because I then started school and could no longer afford to go (thanks to student loans). Years later, after becoming a lot more relaxed, I’ve come to realize how glad I am about that.
You should get in touch with me – I’d love to catch up with you.
Diane.
diane.wiebe@gmail.com
November 2, 2009 11:57 AM
Legacy, The Madd Hatter said…
I remember Sonshine. She awakened me to who I really am while we were both in the internship. In the time after, I saw some of the damage that had been done to her, though I didn’t recognize it for what it was. She even helped me in my own recovery, though I’m not sure she knows it.
Luv ya sis.
Hatta
March 19, 2010 8:12 AM
Anonymous said…
You know, I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t feel good enough.
There was a joke going around campus when I was an intern where people would laugh at how many former interns became agnostic. That is sick!
I can remember former interns coming on campus and current interns judging the way they dressed.
Everything was just an outward show. It didn’t matter what was going on inside.
April 20, 2010 11:23 PM
Anonymous said…
You are my Sonshine, my only Sonshine. You make me happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy when skies are grey. You’ll never know, deeeeeeeear, how much I love you. Please don’t take, my Sonshine awaaaaay.
*tacklehug* <for Sonnie
-Bekah
April 28, 2010 5:00 PM
Esther (O’Neal) Dale said…
Sonshine, you are awesome and amazing.
June 21, 2010 10:21 PM