I had a mixed experience at the Honor Academy. I did not leave hating Teen Mania or the HA. In fact, during a time of struggle in my life I went back to volunteer for a month during that summer. I found some clarity while there, but it also showed me that some problems I had during my internship year were still troubling current interns. I wrote to Dave Hasz. I got no response.
The good things I learned at my internship…
That good friends and good food out in the back forty can create memories that last for ever. That my relationship with God is distinctly my own, and does not need to look like anyone elses. (I did not, however, learn this from leadership.) That good relationships with “chosen” brothers can help repair relationships with biological brothers. That I am stronger, more capable and more resilient than I thought I was. That there will be people who accept me for who I am.
All those were valuable seeds planted during my year at the internship that have born good fruit in my life.
These however, are my concerns that seem to be echoed by others.
Insufficient Job Training
I spent my time before the internship working on a horse farm. I love outdoor work. I am creative, project oriented, super easy to work with and a quick study. I am not, by nature, detail oriented or a mind reader.
I wanted (secretly) to be on grounds crew. I was placed in the epi-center and then give the job as SWAT AA. I met with my supervisor once and then nothing. Nobody told me what I was supposed to do. I was given small tasks to complete, which I did, but nobody ever gave me and over arching theme to my job. So, I was “fired” and changed to being a promotional caller. I was good at this job, was second on my team in terms of commits, despite having worked for a month less than the rest of my team members. But then one day I had a disagreement with my supervisor, I wanted to know why certain decisions were being made. I was told not to question authority. Then a few weeks later I expressed some frustration about my job. The next day, I was told that I was no longer working in the Epi-center and I was to report to grounds crew until they figured out what to do with me. I called my mother, who was outraged at the fact that I was being summarily “fired,” simply for asking questions. She called Brenda Bertrand, the director of women, who had never met me and was told that they were thinking about dismissing me for having a “negative attitude.”
The month and a half I worked on grounds crew was heaven. (This was the first year women were not allowed to work on grounds crew.) And while it took a lot of convincing to get the guys to give me any meaningful duties, I was soon driving tractors and mowing and taking care of flower beds and learning to fix things and shoveling dirt and having a blast. I wrote an email to Dave Hasz asking that when they make the job placements in January and reassign my job would they please consider letting me stay on grounds crew. I was having fun and doing good work. I emailed twice. I got no response.
So I was changed to work on maintenance (the place they send girls they don’t know what to with). It was fine. I did good work. In the spring I took over the job of painting the Quonset domes with tribal paintings. I loved this job, it lasted for six weeks and I was so happy. For the rest of the summer I went back to working maintenance (custodial). I organized groups of volunteers, kept the shower house clean, and spent a lot of time talking to missionaries. I had carved and niche for myself and was very happy in my work for the last five months of my internship.
I did not, however, gain marketable skills I could use in future jobs, as promised by the TM marketing material. I used what I already had and created my own experience.
Leadership (or lack thereof)
My Intern Advisor was 22 and just out of college. From the beginning my biggest complaint was that there was no leadership around me that had and “historical perspective.” She also just didn’t like me. I say this because she told me so. During one of our meetings she said that she, having always been an athlete and an active person had trouble relating to “people like” me. (Meaning larger people, artsy people, open minded people, I don’t know which). She could not understand why I was so “rough and tumble” (I grew up with two brothers on a street with all boys) and why I couldn’t be more lady like, and why I didn’t spend more time working on my appearance. She left the HA before the beginning of the summer.
My CA’s. My first semester CA was sweet and kind and very busy. But I loved her. However, I could not understand how the HA could ask CA’s to be our leaders and our support and not even give them enough time to get to know us. My second semester CA was and intern “power house” one of the chosen ones. I liked her, but she was gone most of the semester. We never really talked until I asked to meet her for dinner so I could tell her that I wanted to be considered for a CA position.
I found for the most part, any email I sent to anyone in leadership went unanswered. An opinion had been formed about me and nothing I could do, no growth, no break though, nothing could convince them that I was changing.
(By the by, I was not asked to stay a second year, not even given the chance to go down the road. My CA gave me a list of things to work on. Improving my attitude toward authority, pursuing greater physical fitness, learning to be more lady like. learning to be more reserved. We were going to work on this together. I don’t think she spoke to me again for the rest of the year.)
But these are my frustrations with my internship, and in the grand scheme of things not a huge issue after all these years.
My big problems are the long lasting physical effects I have had from the internship.
28 comments:
Stephanie– I’m so sorry you went through this harsh judgment of your person-hood. God likes you!
May 10, 2010 8:28 AM
Moriah said…
Unfortunately, women in many societies and cultures are bombarded with messages about how they are supposed to act, be, and look like. Women who step out of any given cultural mold are often isolated and ridiculed, or simply ignored, despite that fact that they are highly capable and qualified.
It is sad, but not surprising, that TM engages in this kind of behavior towards women.
It is slowly changing in many societies around the world, but it is important to let this e-mail remind us that the treatment of women by those in power is often abused. Teen Mania is no exception.
Thank you for speaking out Stephanie. I would have loved to work with you on the grounds crew!
Moriah
And all in the name of God.
How about stepping into the
May 10, 2010 9:05 AMmoriah said…
oops forgot to edit!
May 10, 2010 9:06 AM
shannon nelson said…
Hi Stephanie,
I feel so bad for the experiences you had at the HA that left you with lasting effects. And I’m sorry for the frustrations, while I’m glad they seem small now, I’m sure they were not fun to go through at the time.
Thank you for telling your story.
May 10, 2010 9:45 AM
Eric P. said…
Stephanie: I’m glad that your experience wasn’t as traumatic as some of the others here. A few things stand out:
1. “I was told not to question authority…. Improving my attitude toward authority.” Red flag: Authoritarianism in leadership.
2. “Women were not allowed to work on grounds crew…. it took a lot of convincing to get the guys to give me any meaningful duties…” Red flag: Discrimination, belittling of women.
3. “I did not, however, gain marketable skills I could use in future jobs, as promised by the TM marketing material.” Red flag: Marketing scam!
The overarching problem, of course, is that you can get an essentially equivalent experience just about anywhere else (better if you have nicer bosses) and get paid for it, plus workers’ comp for “long lasting physical effects”. That really bugs me.
Looking forward to part 2. Thanks for sharing.
May 10, 2010 12:17 PM
Stephanie said…
I would have to say of the negative things I learn at Teen Mania, that I am not womanly enough is the biggest. It’s hard for me to articualate how much of an impact this has had on on me because I have done so much work on these beliefs in the past three years that I find it hard to go back and think about where I was before. But, I can tell you… to be a Tomboy at TM is the worst.
There is a feeling that we, as women needed to craft ourselves as close to Barbie Doll Christians as we could, because these Godly men deserve nothing less than a perfect wife… I mean (and not to go all bitter fat girl on everyone) look at the pictures of the couples on HATruestories… I see quite a few big guy skinny wife couples… that’s because we, as women are told to fall in love with a man for his Godliness, but men are told to wait for a Godly woman who also meet societies standards of beauty. (I know, I know, not everyone… but my hang ups about not being a good enough woman have left me dateless and probably are a huge part of why I have left the church.)
It was the way women were viewed by staff… (and it a sometimes chirstian problem, not just a TM problem) that we are still second because God, “Made us second.” That in order for a woman to be Godly she must no encroche on the domain of men… The whole no girls on grounds thing is just a symptom of this, that a woman could not excell if she had to work at tasks that are more mannish… or pehaps that the men could not get there mannish tasks done with a woman around.
The head of ops had a problem with me because I came to him to complain that two of the grounds crew boys who were give the task of killing the cats who would comeon the campus where torturing the poor animals before they shot them. I called the ASPCA for that, and I got in big trouble for it.
It’s hard to put a story into susincet words… to reach a conclusion that speaks to truth. How much of the issues I walk away from TM are mine, and how much are theirs… I don’t know. I do know that there is more to my story than I shared.. although I think you will all be outraged by part two.
I don’t know… I just want TM to care about people and to love the interns who love them so very much.
I mean how can you guilt me about a three mile line of souls martching in to hell every day, when you can not even give a drink of water to a brother in need.
May 10, 2010 12:57 PM
Shannon Kish said…
Stephanie, I am SO sorry!
Honestly, as a woman who is overweight, I have/do feel the same way. I think society produces those kinds of attitudes and when Christians pick them up, we are doomed.
There is MUCH that I could say on the topic, but I will leave it at that for now.
May 10, 2010 1:07 PM
moriah said…
I also have a lot to say about this. This is a discussion with a massive amount of complexity! So many threads that could be followed . . . .
women and food, womens roles, self care, balancing self nurture against others expectations, exercising for the right reasons, women as caretakers, women given power through their beauty, chauvinism, sexism, feminism, ect ect ect lawd! this is why a reunion is in order, so we can really discuss these issues!
Love you guys!
Moriah
May 10, 2010 1:17 PM
layne said…
“The head of ops had a problem with me because I came to him to complain that two of the grounds crew boys who were give the task of killing the cats who would comeon the campus where torturing the poor animals before they shot them. I called the ASPCA for that, and I got in big trouble for it.”
I now hate TM (I only had a bitter dislike of them up until this point). They killed the cats? So many expletives are bubbling up in my belly right now. I don’t support PETA, but I’m feeling a strong desire to send them an email about this.
Cat killers.
May 10, 2010 2:40 PM
gc1998 said…
WHY? why did they need to kill kitties? this is horrible.
May 10, 2010 3:38 PM
Mikaela said…
“So I was changed to work on maintenance (the place they send girls they don’t know what to with).”
When I started HA, I was put on the maintenance crew, and I really didn’t understood why I was placed there. I was very bright, had just finished high school at age 16, and was expecting them to put me in a job position where I could use my brain a little more. But your description of maintenance as “the place they send girls they don’t know what to do with” makes sense. I was a very unique teenager – weird hair, weird clothes, weird music, etc – plus when we took the personality tests during gauntlet week, only 3 other people (out of about 500) got the same ENTP results as me. I guess they didn’t know what to do with me either!
May 10, 2010 4:52 PM
Stephanie said…
I was told that the cat’s couldn’t stay because they would breed and go ferral and might have dieases and such.
When I asked why they didn’t call animal control I was told, oh they’ll just kill the cats anyways so why bother when we can take care of if.
They also shot dogs, but those at least they didn’t torture first.
This wasn’t all the guys… just two that I know of.
for all the others,I really loved my grounds crew guys, they were sweet, and kind and humble and for the most part they got to a place where they totally accepted me. (Except the intern supervisor, having a girl around was messing with this manly mojo).
May 10, 2010 5:02 PM
shouldcareless said…
oh. oh my goodness. i’m not a HUGE fan of cats in general, but torturing them? did that not raise a GIANT RED FLAG? somewhere? with someone? torturing animals, from a psychological standpoint, is indicative of a much deeper root issue. many convicted serial murderers and rapists torture animals when they are younger. wow. just, wow.
May 10, 2010 5:14 PM
TruthInLoveSucksSometimes said…
A simple Google search revealed THREE cat rescue organizations in tyler texas! I have no idea how TM can justify killing animals because of overpopulation and disease. The Humane Society will set up cat traps and spay/neuter cats and release them back or take in ones if there is room.
The fact that the two boys tortured the animals and the HA did nothing is absolutely astounding. They are supposed to be producing leaders…not overlooking people with homicidal tendencies.
They should check on these expletives to make sure they haven’t moved on to hurting people.
On the issue of being a woman. I completely understand. I was brought up to be very independent and to know that it was ok to support myself. When I was there I didn’t understand why there was so much pressure on being so dependent on a husband for self esteem and worth (They did endorse being single to serve God….but why should that be the only reason?). I admit I was even sucked into it for a bit and then if you are married then you have to have kids to bring salt to the earthhh..etc, etccc. I have never wanted kids…everrrrr. And I felt like I was going to be locked into this marriage with kids and I knew then I would rather be single! LOL I even had a male intern lecture me, insisting that I would get married and have many children because that is what God wanted of me: that I had to submit to God’s will and not be selfish.
I felt guilty for quite some time…until one of the fasting retreats in my second year. I was so frustrated. There were all these societal pressures I was feeling from interns, staff, even my parents on some points! I literally fell before God and gave him everything. All of me, all of the pressures about marriage, all that I had ever wanted for my life. I was a gushing waterfall of hurt and confusion.
But that was when one of the most amazing things happened. I felt the presence of God and He told me “These things that were put on you, were never yours to begin with.”
Joy and relief.
I came to understand that God made me and molded me, therefore the feelings I had on who I was (pre-TM attempted brainwashing) was actually OK and it was/is who I am! I had broke the TM mold! LOL
I do love God and you know what? I’m not perfect. I was so happy too learn that my attempted perfection and the love God where not contingent on one another.
I did eventually get married: but to a man who appreciates a strong woman. He doesn’t want children either and to this day we have people calling us selfish. (Although I know it’s quite the opposite.)
I hope you are doing well, knowing that whatever you are is o.k. with God cause He loves you.
May 10, 2010 7:32 PM
layne said…
I love the TM attitude toward women. “God made you and you are beautiful…now change. Here, lets put some make-up on that face and paint those toe nails. Cause that’s the only way to be a real woman! Yay femininity!”
May 11, 2010 9:00 AM
Anonymous said…
I specifically remember Dave saying, “If you wear sandals you better paint those bad boys.” (toes)
May 11, 2010 9:38 AM
Nunquam Honorablus said…
Oh yeah! And he said that good leaders paint their toenails and wear makeup! I remember that my roommates and I would always laugh about being “bad leaders” when we put up our hair in a ponytail.
May 11, 2010 10:33 AM
Anonymous said…
i think dave needs some make up. hes not exactly eye candy now is he?
May 11, 2010 10:43 AM
Lauren said…
I remember Dave saying we needed to wear purfume because “who doesn’t appreciate sitting behind a woman in church who smells good?”
Also, we needed to be sure to wear our hair in several different styles so guys wouldn’t get bored of our look.
May 11, 2010 11:15 AM
Recovering Alumni said…
WHAT?!?!?!!!?!??!?!
May 11, 2010 11:19 AM
Lauren said…
Oh yes, and DH would scare us into changing up our hairstyle by telling us the story of a girl who always put her hair up in a bun when she got out of the shower, and one day her hair started to grow mold and she had to cut it all off.
May 11, 2010 11:42 AM
Jacqueline said…
OK– THIS IS KILLING ME!! Mold!
May 11, 2010 12:42 PM
gc1998 said…
WHAT?! omg.
May 11, 2010 12:55 PM
Lauren said…
But realistically, how would mold get the chance to grow if you’re washing your hair somewhat regularly?
May 11, 2010 1:15 PM
Eric P. said…
There are words for people like that. Interestingly, most of them are also anatomical terms or extended by analogy from the animal kingdom.
May 11, 2010 1:19 PM
stephanie said…
This is so funny…a tall tail that I know the origin of and passed on by DH.
So my year his assitant complained that we were not getting out of morning exsosize (having spelling problems, damn dislyxic brain) soon enough for all the girls to shower and dry their hair and get to breakfast in time. So it was do your hair or eat. She told DH that she was having to pull the wet hair up into a bun so much that it was going to start molding. (she said this as a joke).
It’s all about keeping those wayward interns in line… can’t have unkempt girls walking around… can’t have the place looking like one of them liberal college campuses up east…
May 11, 2010 1:26 PM
Nunquam Honorablus said…
“So it was do your hair or eat.”
I can see that health and starting the morning off right were TOP PRIORITY to him…
Eric, I’m totally right there with you.
May 11, 2010 1:41 PM
CarrieSaum said…
i love just how beautifully we digress. 🙂
hair doesn’t mold. it can mildew a bit, just like anything else that holds moisture that isn’t allowed to fully dry. and why wouldn’t it have the time to fully dry? maybe because you are given exactly 20 minutes to get ready in the morning (if you are lucky), and that simply isn’t enough time to shower, fix hair, iron office clothes, put on a full face of make-up, and eat breakfast.
May 11, 2010 1:49 PM