As part of their homework, Teen Mania interns are required to write their own “courtship constitution.” This constitution is supposed to define the set of procedures you will use during your courtship. The men and women’s classes are both shown a sample “Courtship Constitution.” Most of the suggested guidelines are normal, common sense stuff like going to church, praying together, not spending too much money, etc. I don’t have a problem with any of that (except as it pertains to making a formula and trusting the formula to give you happiness and success!!).
But, as always, they manage to include something extreme and unscriptural.
“If I ever touch you in an inappropriate way, we must break up for a year.”
WHAT?
Where is the potential for forgiveness and redemption in this statement? This statement suggests that going too far physically, even for a moment, means you must do penance – break up for an entire year – instead of relying on God and the other person to forgive and move on with self-control. This is WORKS BASED righteousness! “If I sin, I must make up for it in this specific, difficult way.” That is RIDICULOUS!!
You’ll also notice that the statement is very ambiguous. What is inappropriate touching? Some Teen Mania leaders would say that it is anything beyond holding hands. (More on this tomorrow.)
This ethic leads to a motivation for “purity” based on fear, not on love and self-control. It also overemphasizes the physical dimension of relationship. Why not have this statement? “If I ever belittle you, we’ll break up for a year.”
And lastly – an entire year? That is a LONG time. Why should a temporary mistake delay God’s plan for your life? Why should you miss out on a year of being with someone you love because you are not perfect?
There is nothing remotely Scriptural about this idea. If you have made a sexual mistake (and many of us have) you are not damaged goods! You do not have to do penance in order to make yourself pure again! All you have to do is ask for forgiveness and believe that Jesus has made you righteous. You are no less pure than a virgin who has never been kissed!
Let me say that again – no matter what sexual mistakes or sexual abuse you have gone through – Jesus has made you clean. You have the same purity of a virgin who has never been kissed. You don’t have to earn it. All you have to do is believe it!
33 comments:
To bring a slightly different perspective, I am curious about consent here–especially with regard to the “one year” rule. I agree with RA that it seems a silly, legalistic, arbitrary time frame that could be quite unreasonable.
But, if one person is in fact touched “inappropriately,” whatever that might mean to them, and that person did not like it/give consent, shouldn’t they be able to break it off permanently? Why the one year rule?
I mention this because a girl I knew was in a courtship relationship with a guy, and they had the whole “we’re never alone together” thing going on, and eventually got engaged. Then he slept with one of her closest friends. Things ultimately worked out for them, and they are now married with children, but I remember all the pressure from the church/pastor’s wife on her to “not throw it all away.” Personally, I would have kicked him far to the curb, and not looked back. Now, that’s just my personal feeling, and it’s not the right choice for everyone, but I never felt like this girl was left to decide for herself what she wanted.
Woah…did that get O/T?? Sorry, all.
Sharjem – Good point. Consent is HUGE. I was assuming that it was a consensual touching. I agree with you, anyone that engages in non-consensual sexual behavior should be kicked to the curb!
I’m totally against Ron’s ranting over courtship and I’m not trying to pick a fight or start anything but technically “dating” in general isn’t biblical. you cant find anything on in the bible and if you can I challenge you to show me. there’s plenty on marriage, but journey to it there isnt any. I believe God intentionally made it that way so that each of us could have a romance as truly unique as each of us are. because of that there is absolutely no one way or formula to dating. I’d say turn to the one who invented romance and let him show you the way.
This highlights a big issue with the whole courtship model. There is so much pressure to stay with the person to prove that you correctly heard God’s will that people are pressured to stay in unhealthy relationships. If someone cheats on you pre-marriage, to my mind you walk away and don’t look back and realize how lucky you were to get away before rings were exchanged. Your pastor or church or parents should NOT be counseling you to stay with that person so that “God’s will” isn’t “voided” by the “schemes of the enemy.”
As far as taking a year’s break for inappropriate contact, you know that once you kiss someone you can never go back! It will immediately lead to pre-marital sex! Even a year might not be long enough to prevent sex from occurring the next time you see each other! *eyes rolling* If you violate the boundaries you set, tell a mentor, get some accountability, and figure out how to prevent the situation from occurring again ( for example, we’ll only hang out with groups or in public places so we have the accountability of other people seeing what we’re up to). Ending the realationship or taking a break for a year is avoidance. Avoidance does prevent sin, but it doesn’t teach you any self-control to help you stop from getting into the same situation with someone else in the future.
Doesn’t the Bible say that if you are having trouble with self control that you should MARRY and to do it SOON? TM is suggesting that if it’s hard to wait you should wait longer… sounds like a plan for disaster and torture to me.
What about if you touch yourself inapproriately. Do you have to break up with yourself for a year? If so, even Ron Luce would be in trouble. It seems like so many in the chruch seek to modify behavior as opposed to making disciples. I love it when people state that they trust God and by default the Holy Spirit, but don’t trust him enough to help people live their lives. What happens then is that people like Ron step in to take over God’s rightful role. Instead of approaching any subject with humility and brokeness, they set up a system where they can pat themselves on the back like the Pharasees that they are. It is easier to tell young impressionable kids what to do and how to live their lives, than to take a hard look at your own. I hope parents see this for what it is before they send their kids there.
Julie, I like your point:
“Ending the relationship or taking a break for a year is avoidance. Avoidance does prevent sin, but it doesn’t teach you any self-control to help you stop from getting into the same situation with someone else in the future.”
I have experienced this with my current boyfriend. In the past before we started dating, when we began heading in a direction we didn’t want to head in, instead of just talking through it, we’d just dump everything and figure we’d go back to being “acquaintances.” It worked for awhile, but then we always ended back at square one because we just avoided the issue and shoved it on the back burner instead of actually dealing with it.
Definitely an unhealthy way of dealing with relationships, physical boundaries, sin, etc. that doesn’t help you learn how to handle things maturely and responsibly.
Also… in reference to the very beginning of the the sample Courtship Constitution… I am happy to report that Heath (or Dave) pulled the “divorce rate” statistics out of urban myth lore. 50% of all marriages do not end in divorce. Read the New York Times article on the subject…. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/19divo.html
Layne, thank you for bringing that up. That is one false statistic that drives me CRAZY. It’s everywhere, and people don’t want to believe that it’s not true. Kind of like the “sugar makes kids hyper” myth, but that’s something for another day.
Great comments everyone! I heartily agree.
This one in particular is scathing, yet SO TRUE!
“I love it when people state that they trust God and by default the Holy Spirit, but don’t trust him enough to help people live their lives. What happens then is that people like Ron step in to take over God’s rightful role. Instead of approaching any subject with humility and brokeness, they set up a system where they can pat themselves on the back like the Pharasees that they are.”
OUCH!
WOW – a year, when did that happen? It was 3 months back in my day. *sigh, shaking head. All these dating rules are. so. dumb. Yet I bought it all. Thank god for age and wisdom.
Thanks for this RA, it’s nice to see in black and white just how dumb this all is. I don’t have to feel guilty for dating in a way that works for me, vs the TM formula for ‘perfection’.
I absolutely agree that these (and frankly, what a lot of other churches establish) rules are ridiculous. Sex is normal. Sex feels good. How do these people gain power? Telling young people that what is normal is bad. I too, bought all that crap.
Fortunately, I’m now in a good, healthy relationship. And yes, I’m sexually active. And I don’t feel “dirty”, “broken,” or any of the other things I supposedly should feel.
How’s that for a little liberation.
I do not remember this at all… it must be new :/ I guess every year they have to make things even more extreme.
And seriously… a year?? That is a really long time. My husband and I made some mistakes before we got married, but we worked through them, asked each other and God for forgiveness, and continued on. We had barely even been together for a year before we got married (only 8 months before he proposed). If we had broken up for a year each time we “touched each other inappropriately” I would probably never marry him (we wouldn’t be married yet, that’s for sure)–and I FIRMLY believe God brought us together at exactly the right time, in spite of our mistakes!
Wow. If my date/boyfriend/etc were to ever present something like that to me, I would run. That would be the end of our “relationship” for many, many reasons.
This is scary on so many levels.
Totally agree with Renae – almost the exact same situation for me and my husband. This is just another example of how TM tries to force everyone into a strict mold and punishes them when they don’t.
Over the years I’ve come to realize how TM is such a punishment-oriented environment. This “constitution” is just one example. Even to this day I catch myself wanting to punish myself for the mistakes I make as a direct result of TM’s influence in my life. I think I’m still in the process of relearning God’s grace and acceptance of me even in my weakness. TM doesn’t teach this…if you’re weak or mess up, “Shame on you” literally.
I know this is kind of off topic but the “Exercise/Health” slide really bothered me.
“I will keep my body in shape. I will drink water. I want to live as many years as possible so I will not leave you as a widow for too long. I will exercise aerobically as well as lift weights. I do not want my body to be an example of what not to do.”
I definitely, 1000% believe you should be concerned with staying healthy and taking care of yourself. And I understand that this is an example, not a mandate. However, I have found an overwhelming sense of body obsession from RL specifically, TMM in general, as I have read through this site. This is not a matter to be taken lightly in our society and it is especially disturbing to me in light of Katie Luce’s struggle with disordered eating and the description of her book “The Pursuit of Beauty”
“With society’s view that physical perfection is found in a waif-like figure, millions of women and men find themselves caught in a trap of diets, denial, rigid workouts—and eating disorders. Sharing her personal story, Luce defines anorexia and bulimia; then guides you through a recovery handbook based on God’s perspective of what’s truly beautiful.”
Please note: RIGID WORKOUTS. DENIAL. HA themes anyone?
Maybe I’m being paranoid but as the wife of a physically fit but skinny man who has more than once asked me if he should lift weights so he can be more buff and attractive, I was offended by that slide. I just don’t feel that “I will exercise aerobically as well as lift weights” is something that is needed for a happy relationship or has a place in a “courtship commitment.” I love my skinny man. He’s H-O-T-T.
End Rant.
@Catsaved, yes. It’s 1 Corinthians 7:9—
“But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (NIV)
When it comes to the Bible, which is their chosen field of expertise, TM leadership are nincompoops.
S.Z.B –
Absolutely 100% agree. I remember in one of the women’s sessions we were told how amazing Katie’s book was and that if we struggled with body image, eating disorders, etc… we should definitely read it. At the same time we’re being told by DH to “paint the barn” and “beat our body” and participate in rigid exercise routines. Um…aren’t these are some of the same things she talks about that contribute to body image issues and disorders? It’s another TM double standard.
S.Z.B.–Hooray for hot skinny husbands! 😀
They taught this the year I was there too (2009) but looking back what concerns me more than the actual time frame is the control they wield in the intern’s lives. I think the reason that Teen Mania is so controlling when it comes to sexuality is because if someone can control this part of a person’s life, then they can control (at least in my opinion) almost every other part too. And trust you me, EVERYTHING about dating, relationships, sexuality, our bodies etc., etc., etc., was controlled.
ugh. ok. people. if you really want to talk about marriage 3,000 years ago it only existed primarily to transfer women as property from the parents to a man. That man then used that woman to create babies. He was always in control of her and she remained his property. I think we like to invent things about marriage in modern day that supposedly happened in the Bible – but it’s not there. Paul did say if you burn with lust than marry – essentially he said if you’re burning with so much lust go out and acquire a luxury sex toy that will also bring you babies and then therefore you don’t sin.
There is so much we say and believe about marriage that is based only in our culture and not the “Bible”, since a biblical marriage doesn’t exist today.
One more shout-out for hot, skinny husbands!
Future Cult Leader– I wouldn’t go quite that far. The Bible does have a lot to say about marriage, both as historical records and as moral principles (e.g. advocating for monogamy and against adultery). The problem is that lots of teachers–not just a TM problem, sadly–treat ideas as “biblical” that are not any such thing. Also, in many cases they fail to draw the distinction between prescriptive and descriptive biblical texts.
Here’s an interesting series of articles I found lately that examine the biblical/rabbinic/talmudic teachings on marriage.
SZB & Krista – Great points! I hadn’t really ever put those two together. Would either of you care to write a guest post on the topic?
Thanks Krista, Ranae and Jami 🙂 I’m glad I’m not the only one who has the blessing of a hot skinny man in their life 😉
RA, since I was never in the HA I don’t really feel qualified to write a guest post but I think it would be awesome if someone else did because the HA’s message about body image via action and restrictions seems very damaging to me.
Yes, RA I’d be glad to do a guest post…it might take me a little while to get all my thoughts together and written down (I’m currently chasing around a very busy 11 month old!) 🙂 but I agree with S.Z.B. this message is very damaging and had a negative impact on my life and I’m sure many others.
I think “I will drink water” is my favorite part.
“
Let me say that again – no matter what sexual mistakes or sexual abuse you have gone through – Jesus has made you clean. You have the same purity of a virgin who has never been kissed. You don’t have to earn it. All you have to do is believe it! “
Thanks. I’ve done a lot of stupid things and broke God’s rules but your statement makes me feel better. Seriously.
I think that the breaking up for a year thing isn’t supposed to be done as penance or punishment, but more so that you can distance yourself from the temptation of doing it again. I remember that with my ex-boyfriend, once we let ourselves go farther than we should have, it was pretty much impossible to turn back. By “turn back” I don’t mean “take it back” or that it haunted us forever or anything like that. We weren’t “forever marked” or “tainted”. I mean that it was practically impossible for us to keep from going that far again.
I tried to slow down, but it totally didn’t work. If we had just distanced ourselves from each other after that for awhile, maybe we could have calmed down and been able to control ourselves from that point on. But we didn’t, we just kept escalating and escalating, to a point that when I finally said, “Hold it. We are not going ANY further than this”, he figured it was like all the other times. When I seriously didn’t let it go any farther, he had a really hard time with it, and our relationship was ruined. Not that it was really going places before… dumbest relationship ever. But I can see how taking a break from each other could have calmed our hormones so that we could slow back down. A whole year though seems ridiculous. A couple months at the most, maybe… but a year? Do you realize how much changes in a year? Talk about overkill.
Make sure to drink lots of water. I believe Jesus made wine. In facet, he believes that too. A dating budget. I suppose just being smart with money isn’t an option. The HA teachings on Courtship almost kept me from marrying the wife I have. Luckily she was able to set me straight. 31 and single wouldn’t be much fun, but would be reality if I had followed TM ideas.
I suppose this is a little off-topic too…but what was that sentence on the finance slide about not working overtime?? I understand the concept of making your family a priority, but seriously, I missed “thou shalt not work overtime.” Perhaps it’s in Hezekiah?
I also like that it’s part of the contract that they WILL be successful at work. What does that even mean? Gonna sell a lot of cars? Force your boss to like you?
Hey, glad to read your input. I also went to the Honor Academy and ended up leaving after about 6 months. I was in class when we were presented with this courtship constitution.
In regards to the the rule of “inappropriate touching,” I also thought this was kinda crazy but as I thought about it I began to understand why this was put in there (keeping in mind this was a sample “constitution” and the students were assigned to make up their own set of guidelines according to their own convictions, which I did myself). One of the large goals of the Honor Academy was to teach self discipline (which I struggled very much with) and that was the goal of this particular rule. It was to teach self-discipline and keep each other accountable. If the desire is to jump straight to saying “well hey that’s not fair” then why were the rules being made in the first place? The design of the rules are to keep you and your significant other accountable. Also, there needs to be a consequence for breaking the rule, just as God has given us commands and has created consequences for breaking them (and also for keeping them). For what is a rule if its not a big deal to break it. Example: You cross the line that you and your bf/gf had established and you both say “Ah, shucks we crossed that line. Well..maybe we’ll do better next time.” There is no consequence here and the rule is useless.
One of the leaders gave a testimony of this “inappropriate touch” rule that they had made for their period of dating. They ended up crossing that line so they kept to the rule they put in place and broke up for 3 months (they had decided on a 3 months rather than a year). It was really hard for them during those 3 months but they pursued God during that time and eventually got back together when their time was up. They ended up growing much closer in their relationship because of this and you better believe that didn’t break that rule again.
One last note: As for what counts as inappropriate touch, we were told by the leader that was teaching that we had to come up with that on our own. You and your significant other had to decide what you would constitute as inappropriate touch for each other because that is a personal thing and it also varies between people based on each’s backgrounds and struggles.
So hope that clears things up. I know it was a struggle at the Honor Academy for you, it was for me too but I have learned to let go of my anger and I have learned some amazing lessons from that place. And I can’t go without saying this, the people were amazing there (not all of them) but most of them, mainly because they just wanted to pursue God and yeah they screwed up sometimes but they were truly honest about seeking after the face of Christ.
If you want to contact me, here’s my email: timstemcl@gmail.com