Lauren’s Story: Part 2

MINISTRY PLACEMENT

One of the most difficult aspects of my time at the Honor Academy was my ministry placement. I worked in finance. I found out later that the executive office had put a bid in for me, but it was the finance department’s turn to choose an intern, so I ended up there. I hated it. Finance was the last place I ever wanted to be at any time in life, yet there I was. At the age of 18, I spent over 30 hours per week sitting at a desk with no windows, daily fumbling through a series of financial processes in which I had no training or interest. I remember the majority of my job consisted of lying to vendors to whom we owed money. We would get the calls a lot, and I was always instructed to essentially make something up to keep them off our back. Of course my supervisors didn’t use the word “lie” in their instructions on how to handle phone calls, but there was a lot of “Tell them we’ll get it to them next week” (which I knew wasn’t true, because that’s what I told them every week) and “Just tell them something. They don’t really need to hear the WHOLE truth…” My direct supervisor lacked a spine, so I took some initiative to move us towards a more computer-based filing and ordering system and ended up training the new August interns when the time came. I won a Carpe Diem award for that. But I still felt dirty. I felt like it was my job to lie. And I saw where Teen Mania’s money was going. Nearly all of the money went to Acquire The Fire, to fake guitars that would be smashed on stage at each venue, to costumes for the favored performers. The whole year I was there, many of the interns pushed to have a paved parking lot because the mud was becoming so difficult to drive through. But no, the interns’ safety was not a high priority. I have wondered how TM could be in financial trouble. Not only are they NOT paying the majority of their workers, but ALL of the intern workers are paying a hefty sum to be there… and work. Looking back, I shake my head at myself wondering how on earth I thought that was at all legitimate. I’m not an idiot. How did I let myself get duped into this?? But the actual snap out of it didn’t happen until much later.

THE SNAP

While I was actually at the Honor Academy, I was 18 and impressionable (as are the majority of kids they seduce into coming) – and I REALLY wanted to be a good, strong, “on fire” Christian. When you’re fresh out of high school and ready to conquer the world with your newfound freedom, what better way to kick-start your adult Christian career than to go through the fire of a super challenging internship that would test you and teach you and make you invincible, right? Well, it worked for my personality—I was always up for a challenge. I’m probably a rarer case in that I knew little to nothing about Teen Mania before going to the HA. A guy who lived in my dorm my freshman year of college told me about it, and the challenge sounded really appealing. I basically applied, swore to take out my nose ring and not date, and showed up at the campus in January, all within two months’ time.

When things like my ministry placement seemed a little questionable, I second-guessed myself before second-guessing Teen Mania. I figured I was the new kid wanting to learn, and maybe I was just being rebellious and needed to be molded into a new person to be a better Christian (which is what I was told when I questioned anything). I knew that being 18 meant I was new to adulthood and surely these Christian leaders who have been doing this for years have wisdom that I do not. I thought that perhaps I had more difficulty adapting to dorm life than others (which is a whole other story of how insane a couple of my roommates became). When I graduated, I left very confused about Christianity and how life should be after the HA. I talked down to my family and believed that the Christianity I had bathed in for a year was above other versions of Christianity, and that no one outside the HA would understand because they weren’t bred to be as “excellent” as I was (all arguments that were deposited into my head by the HA). Then when I began retelling stories about my time at the HA, two or so years after my graduation, I started listening to myself and thinking, “this is crazy.” I could tell that my parents assumed I was exaggerating, and I think they wanted to believe that overall it was a positive experience. They would often remind me that “you just seemed to be learning so much while you were there.” Well, I was learning, yes. I was learning from John Bevere that paralyzing fear of the Lord is the way to intimacy; but John Eldredge was all about living life to the fullest in freedom of love. And Jesus… well, He was pretty much always in the back seat because we apparently need humans to interpret His words since they weren’t clear enough on their own… Like, love one another, even the prostitute, even the liar, even the Buddhist, even Ron Luce… Yeah, that gets all confusing and whatnot so it’s better to read about what Jesus MEANT to say, like “Fear me or else.”

It wasn’t until one of my best friends from the HA revealed that she didn’t agree with everything that was taught when it occurred to me that I may not, in fact, be crazy at all, that rolling people down hills to make them puke and forcing people to fast for multiple days despite hypoglycemia (I passed out due to this during a vision retreat) and instructing girls to wear makeup might not actually be the Gospel. This conversation took place 4-5 years after my graduation. For the first time I felt like, even though I was made to vow never to speak ill of the HA, it was okay to think critically and logically about what happened. It wasn’t until last year that I admitted I was part of a cult. I’m still working through my thoughts and feelings about this. I’ve been trying to gradually separate the “Christianity” I was taught at the HA from what I’m pretty sure are Jesus’ messages of love and grace and hope and forgiveness in the Bible. When people ask, I don’t call myself a Christian. It’s not that I disagree with the idea of Jesus having been God and man, or even the crucifixion and resurrection… I just don’t like the creepy feeling I get when I hear and say the word. I believe that if God desires that I experience our relationship with a label, I will eventually. But I feel so much more liberated believing that God is bigger than a label or a denomination—or even a religion. It’s a very slow process, but I feel like my relationship with God is honest now and has the potential for growing so much deeper because I now believe that He is not afraid of my questions. e’s not offended to hear that I want to be genuine.

The road to get me to this realization has been riddled with pain, suicidal thoughts, self-inflicted harm, therapists, emotional breakdowns, and distrust of the church and Christians in general – largely thanks to Teen Mania. Even though I graduated years ago, the oppression imposed by the Honor Academy has lasted, and fear has held me hostage for a long time. There was a lot of signing documents and keeping quiet what went on within the walled campus. And even if corporal punishment is not listed as a disciplinary action, the shame and guilt and embarrassment that is readily poured upon any misstep is undoubtedly more damaging, especially for teens and young adults during such a crucial stage of development.

I do not recommend the Honor Academy to any young person. I sincerely hope that the leadership at the HA hears the cries of the hurting alumni and makes significant changes. Surely if they know that this type of pain is being inflicted on many interns, they would not carry on as they have been. I have to wonder if the leadership is aware that this spiritual abuse is going on, and if so, why does it seem that no steps are being taken to correct this trend? If fear and shame and arrogance are the Gospel they intend to preach at Teen Mania, I do not want any part of it. And regardless of whether it is intentional, it is prevalent; and the damage, for me, is still taking its toll.