Lauren’s Story: Part 2

MINISTRY PLACEMENT

One of the most difficult aspects of my time at the Honor Academy was my ministry placement. I worked in finance. I found out later that the executive office had put a bid in for me, but it was the finance department’s turn to choose an intern, so I ended up there. I hated it. Finance was the last place I ever wanted to be at any time in life, yet there I was. At the age of 18, I spent over 30 hours per week sitting at a desk with no windows, daily fumbling through a series of financial processes in which I had no training or interest. I remember the majority of my job consisted of lying to vendors to whom we owed money. We would get the calls a lot, and I was always instructed to essentially make something up to keep them off our back. Of course my supervisors didn’t use the word “lie” in their instructions on how to handle phone calls, but there was a lot of “Tell them we’ll get it to them next week” (which I knew wasn’t true, because that’s what I told them every week) and “Just tell them something. They don’t really need to hear the WHOLE truth…” My direct supervisor lacked a spine, so I took some initiative to move us towards a more computer-based filing and ordering system and ended up training the new August interns when the time came. I won a Carpe Diem award for that. But I still felt dirty. I felt like it was my job to lie. And I saw where Teen Mania’s money was going. Nearly all of the money went to Acquire The Fire, to fake guitars that would be smashed on stage at each venue, to costumes for the favored performers. The whole year I was there, many of the interns pushed to have a paved parking lot because the mud was becoming so difficult to drive through. But no, the interns’ safety was not a high priority. I have wondered how TM could be in financial trouble. Not only are they NOT paying the majority of their workers, but ALL of the intern workers are paying a hefty sum to be there… and work. Looking back, I shake my head at myself wondering how on earth I thought that was at all legitimate. I’m not an idiot. How did I let myself get duped into this?? But the actual snap out of it didn’t happen until much later.

THE SNAP

While I was actually at the Honor Academy, I was 18 and impressionable (as are the majority of kids they seduce into coming) – and I REALLY wanted to be a good, strong, “on fire” Christian. When you’re fresh out of high school and ready to conquer the world with your newfound freedom, what better way to kick-start your adult Christian career than to go through the fire of a super challenging internship that would test you and teach you and make you invincible, right? Well, it worked for my personality—I was always up for a challenge. I’m probably a rarer case in that I knew little to nothing about Teen Mania before going to the HA. A guy who lived in my dorm my freshman year of college told me about it, and the challenge sounded really appealing. I basically applied, swore to take out my nose ring and not date, and showed up at the campus in January, all within two months’ time.

When things like my ministry placement seemed a little questionable, I second-guessed myself before second-guessing Teen Mania. I figured I was the new kid wanting to learn, and maybe I was just being rebellious and needed to be molded into a new person to be a better Christian (which is what I was told when I questioned anything). I knew that being 18 meant I was new to adulthood and surely these Christian leaders who have been doing this for years have wisdom that I do not. I thought that perhaps I had more difficulty adapting to dorm life than others (which is a whole other story of how insane a couple of my roommates became). When I graduated, I left very confused about Christianity and how life should be after the HA. I talked down to my family and believed that the Christianity I had bathed in for a year was above other versions of Christianity, and that no one outside the HA would understand because they weren’t bred to be as “excellent” as I was (all arguments that were deposited into my head by the HA). Then when I began retelling stories about my time at the HA, two or so years after my graduation, I started listening to myself and thinking, “this is crazy.” I could tell that my parents assumed I was exaggerating, and I think they wanted to believe that overall it was a positive experience. They would often remind me that “you just seemed to be learning so much while you were there.” Well, I was learning, yes. I was learning from John Bevere that paralyzing fear of the Lord is the way to intimacy; but John Eldredge was all about living life to the fullest in freedom of love. And Jesus… well, He was pretty much always in the back seat because we apparently need humans to interpret His words since they weren’t clear enough on their own… Like, love one another, even the prostitute, even the liar, even the Buddhist, even Ron Luce… Yeah, that gets all confusing and whatnot so it’s better to read about what Jesus MEANT to say, like “Fear me or else.”

It wasn’t until one of my best friends from the HA revealed that she didn’t agree with everything that was taught when it occurred to me that I may not, in fact, be crazy at all, that rolling people down hills to make them puke and forcing people to fast for multiple days despite hypoglycemia (I passed out due to this during a vision retreat) and instructing girls to wear makeup might not actually be the Gospel. This conversation took place 4-5 years after my graduation. For the first time I felt like, even though I was made to vow never to speak ill of the HA, it was okay to think critically and logically about what happened. It wasn’t until last year that I admitted I was part of a cult. I’m still working through my thoughts and feelings about this. I’ve been trying to gradually separate the “Christianity” I was taught at the HA from what I’m pretty sure are Jesus’ messages of love and grace and hope and forgiveness in the Bible. When people ask, I don’t call myself a Christian. It’s not that I disagree with the idea of Jesus having been God and man, or even the crucifixion and resurrection… I just don’t like the creepy feeling I get when I hear and say the word. I believe that if God desires that I experience our relationship with a label, I will eventually. But I feel so much more liberated believing that God is bigger than a label or a denomination—or even a religion. It’s a very slow process, but I feel like my relationship with God is honest now and has the potential for growing so much deeper because I now believe that He is not afraid of my questions. e’s not offended to hear that I want to be genuine.

The road to get me to this realization has been riddled with pain, suicidal thoughts, self-inflicted harm, therapists, emotional breakdowns, and distrust of the church and Christians in general – largely thanks to Teen Mania. Even though I graduated years ago, the oppression imposed by the Honor Academy has lasted, and fear has held me hostage for a long time. There was a lot of signing documents and keeping quiet what went on within the walled campus. And even if corporal punishment is not listed as a disciplinary action, the shame and guilt and embarrassment that is readily poured upon any misstep is undoubtedly more damaging, especially for teens and young adults during such a crucial stage of development.

I do not recommend the Honor Academy to any young person. I sincerely hope that the leadership at the HA hears the cries of the hurting alumni and makes significant changes. Surely if they know that this type of pain is being inflicted on many interns, they would not carry on as they have been. I have to wonder if the leadership is aware that this spiritual abuse is going on, and if so, why does it seem that no steps are being taken to correct this trend? If fear and shame and arrogance are the Gospel they intend to preach at Teen Mania, I do not want any part of it. And regardless of whether it is intentional, it is prevalent; and the damage, for me, is still taking its toll.

38 comments:

Shannon Kish says:
April 21, 2010 at 8:12 AM

Lauren, I am truly sorry to hear about this experience. It is heartbreaking to say the least.

Anonymous says:
April 21, 2010 at 8:20 AM

“I’ve been trying to gradually separate the “Christianity” I was taught at the HA from what I’m pretty sure are Jesus’ messages of love and grace and hope and forgiveness in the Bible. When people ask, I don’t call myself a Christian. It’s not that I disagree with the idea of Jesus having been God and man, or even the crucifixion and resurrection… I just don’t like the creepy feeling I get when I hear and say the word. I believe that if God desires that I experience our relationship with a label, I will eventually. But I feel so much more liberated believing that God is bigger than a label or a denomination—or even a religion. It’s a very slow process, but I feel like my relationship with God is honest now and has the potential for growing so much deeper because I now believe that He is not afraid of my questions. He’s not offended to hear that I want to be genuine.”

I’m just now coming to a point in time where I’m learning what you’re speaking of here (I was an intern 03-04). That’s a very raw and beautiful place to be with the Lord, I think, and I’m so sorry that you had to experience the deception involved with being at the HA to make you get to that place. I was at TM for three years (Lord help me!), and I also saw a lot of mishandling of finances; I naively figured it was just my department. I hope that the leadership of TM will wake up one of these days to finally realize the devastating effects that their attitudes and practices have had on interns and their families.

Heather says:
April 21, 2010 at 8:56 AM

Lauren, thank you for articulating your story so well. Even though our experiences were not the same, I feel like you articulated a lot of what I am still figuring out how to articulate.

As for finances go, I saw it too. I was an ATF caller and I remember telling people (outside of HA) how hard it was to be a caller when I saw how irresponsible the ministry was. I was raised to never go in debt and to not spend what I don’t have. So to see a ministry “trusting God” for millions of dollars was unsettling.

CarrieSaum says:
April 21, 2010 at 9:20 AM

I also no longer identify as a Christian. For me, being a Christian has very little to do with Jesus, and everything to do with this sub-culture we have created around a set of rules. I still believe in Jesus, but for a long time, I could not separate Him from the what the Christian culture had so deeply ingrained in me. So, I threw “Jesus” out and replaced Him with Love. I re-learned who the real Jesus is by learning what Love looks like, what Love does, and how Love lives. Now I can say Jesus, but still, I think Love. And that changes everything for me, in the best possible way.

Z says:
April 21, 2010 at 9:24 AM

Thank you for sharing your story, Lauren. I am so sorry that you devoted a year of your life to a ministry that abused you. I pray that peace and healing will abound to you.

I totally understand the creepy feeling you associate with the word Christian. I do refer to myself as a Christian, but am usually embarassed to admit it. I am not ashamed of my belief in Jesus, but am embarassed to be lumped in with crazy, damaging, insensitive people like those at TM.

Anonymous says:
April 21, 2010 at 9:28 AM

i had a realization laying in bed last night.

i opened up to people at the HA about an abusive relationship with my father during my intern year. told them secrets i’d kept forever.

no one did anything to stop me from returning to him.

Anonymous says:
April 21, 2010 at 9:57 AM

Thank you for sharing your story, Lauren. I am so glad you have been able to come out on the other side of your hurtful experiences with a more organic relationship with God.

I just wanted to note that I too do not identify myself as a Christian even though I believe in God and His son Jesus, the true gospel. God knows your heart and in my opinion he’d prefer me not to label our relationship because attaching that label assumes so many things whereas with no label on our relationship it is it’s own unique connection that looks different than His relationship with anyone else on the planet. It is freeing and raw and real and it’s a heart thing. I believe he likes it that way….in OUR relationship.

Lauren says:
April 21, 2010 at 10:13 AM

“I re-learned who the real Jesus is by learning what Love looks like, what Love does, and how Love lives.”

Carrie – I know exactly what you mean. My husband and I stepped away from organized church (after years of working in ministry) and have since been able to tune our hearts to see love EVERYWHERE. Love (GOD) is prevalent in so many places that I think people can fail to see. Re-learning Love has been quite the adventure – and I think that’s what was originally intended.

Lauren says:
April 21, 2010 at 10:23 AM

Anonymous 9:28 – Wow, what a powerful revelation. That definitely was not inspired leadership or friendship on their part. I think that unfortunately shows how little attention to individual human beings can go on there. I am so sorry you were not better taken care of.

Anonymous says:
April 21, 2010 at 10:41 AM

Thank you so much for sharing this story… And thank you so much for this website. I just stumbled across this a few weeks ago and am SO THANKFUL. I love the discussion that takes place here.
I am beginning to work through my own story. I remember last year when my boyfriend (not associated with TM) told me he thought I was involved in a cult during my time at TM. I was floored. He gently encouraged me to think logically and critically about HA activities and the way their leadership structure is set up. — And just about every other aspect of how TM runs their ministry/business. It was just the stepping stone that God used to open my eyes to reality.

Nonetheless, allowing myself to analyze my experiences -and the doctrine they teach, has been hard, but so good for my relationship with Jesus.

And Lauren, like you, I am finally realizing there is a difference between the real Jesus & “Honor Academy Jesus” who incessantly demands perfection and who will turn me away for underperforming. Many times I have to remind myself that I am not holding onto Jesus– He is holding onto me.

Carol says:
April 21, 2010 at 11:01 AM

Lauren, when you said, There was a lot of signing documents and keeping quiet what went on within the walled campus.”, can you expand on this a bit? I would appreciate it.

Carol says:
April 21, 2010 at 11:06 AM

I think it’s interesting that a lot of us do not like the word “Christian” anymore. For me it has become synonymous with words like ‘hypocrite’, ‘judgmental’ and ‘selfish’. Whereas true Christ followers should be giving, caring, selfless, a servant, etc… So when people ask, I usually say the word ‘Christian’, and follow it up with a short explanation of ‘I am a follower of Christ’.

There was certainly a number of good things that I learned through my years at/with TM, was the lesson that westernized ‘Christianity’ is not how a life after Christ was intended. I will stop short of an explanation, but will say this: getting back to the biblical interpretation of following Christ has been freeing.

Recovering Alumni says:
April 21, 2010 at 11:23 AM

Anon at 9:28am – I am so sorry to hear that. My heart hurts for you – it took a lot of courage to be that vulnerable and I’m sorry they did nothing to protect you. That was not right.

Anonymous says:
April 21, 2010 at 11:37 AM

It amazes me how the HA breeds self-centered Christians. “I’M going to change the world.” “I’M going to become a perfect Christian.” “Look at what I do for Jesus.” They claim that their focus is to share Christ with the world, but they forget about loving the neighbor right next to them.

Being completely honest, I was a little thrown off by what Carrie said, “Now I can say Jesus, but still, I think Love.” (mainly because I’ve never heard it put that way) However, that’s just what I’ve been learning lately. Without Love we do more damage than good. We can get so wrapped up in the “cause” of Christianity and forget that Jesus told us that the greatest commandments were to love God and love our neighbor. There is nothing more important than those two things.

To Anon at 9:28am – Your experience is probably not an isolated one. I would imagine that there are so many interns hurting and expecting help from the other “believers” at the internship, but those other interns are so self-focused on learning to be the “perfect” Christian, that they didn’t take the time to Love you and help you. That makes me REALLY angry and very sad. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Jacqueline says:
April 21, 2010 at 11:50 AM

“They claim that their focus is to share Christ with the world, but they forget about loving the neighbor right next to them. “

Well said!

Lauren says:
April 21, 2010 at 12:10 PM

I just commented this thought on a different post, but the revelation keeps refreshing itself in my mind as I read these comments: When I think through my life, it has been the moments that I was shown love and acceptance that have impacted me the most – those moments have really been more life-changing than any challenge I have survived. Just think of how powerful an experience we would have had if the HA was fashioned around loving community and acceptance and patience in honesty, rather than constantly confronting and pushing each other to be perfect despite any hurt! A whole year focused on learning how to love the way God does – now THAT would empower interns to change the world!

Lauren says:
April 21, 2010 at 12:22 PM

Carol – I was referring to the documents at the commitment banquet and before the retreats (at least for ESOAL, I remember signing something), the weekly/monthly/quarterly performance evaluations, permissions to come and go from campus… and the general “don’t repeat what you’ve heard and seen here” messages that are littered among many teachings. I remember Dave Hasz warning us not to tell friends and family back home about what we were learning because they wouldn’t understand, that they weren’t as high-ranking individuals as we were. And certainly with ESOAL, the message was clear that we shouldn’t tell anyone anything about the event. This was under the guise of not “spoiling” it for upcoming generations of interns, but I personally think they knew how insane the whole retreat was and didn’t want others outside HA to catch wind of the goings on.

Carol says:
April 21, 2010 at 12:36 PM

Lauren – that is what concerns me. Secrecy, even to ‘surprise’ new interns isn’t exactly the best. I don’t remember being told not to tell family members, etc… about what we were learning, but I do remember the spiritual elite-ness of TM. Asking impressionable children or ‘barely adults’ to keep things a secret does not bring confidence.

And I had the same experience coming back home. I wasn’t able to relate to other people, thinking that I was ‘above’ everyone else because of the training I had gone through. Thank God I had a friend who had graduated the internship 4 months before I did back at home who kept me pretty grounded upon returning to the real world. Without her, who knows what my experience would have been. I transitioned back to the real world relatively quickly.

TruthInLoveSucksSometimes says:
April 21, 2010 at 1:42 PM

Carol, I can relate. I remember coming home for a week and not talking to any of my usual friends because they did not fit a certain criteria. I was so confused about who I could & could not talk to and ended up at home:although I used that time to rest!
After graduating I also came home to a former HA friend & that was a lifesaver because she helped bring many things into perspective.

I remember HA saying that other people wouldn’t understand us if we told them what we did and after telling my mom she wanted to pick me up right away (& she has been a solid follower of Christ her entire life). I was so close to graduating that I stuck it out, because I wanted to finish something and not be labeled a quitter. oye vey.

Emelia says:
April 21, 2010 at 1:46 PM

I love you, Lauren, and I appreciate you sharing. I think you’ve just inspired me to write out my Honor Council experience…

Eric P. says:
April 21, 2010 at 1:46 PM

Lauren: Very powerful thoughts. It’s encouraging to see how you’re finding God’s grace.

Apparently TM needs to work on their financial transparency and accountability– or at least, so the Better Business Bureau seems to think.

“If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.” (1 John 4:20-21).

I don’t mind the label “Christian” myself (having a big-picture view of global Church History helps), but knowing how it can come across to others I usually find it more convenient to self-identify with “I believe in Jesus.” I’d rather talk about Christ than about Christians anyway.

Lauren says:
April 21, 2010 at 3:29 PM

Emelia, I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to see you here, my friend 🙂

Lindsay Jennison says:
April 21, 2010 at 3:47 PM

Lauren, thank you for sharing. I went through the same ESOAL you did, and I remember you from the internship. I’m so sad to read about the crap you went through, but thankful for this blog and the opportunity to know that I wasn’t the only intern who left TM confused and broken.
I was dismissed my second year at TM. I was sort of leading a double life, you know, which isn’t great, but looking back, I think it kind of sheltered me from some stuff. Like… I stopped going to all of my GI classes and things. I was fully enveloped in HA life, and then somewhere along the way I got tangled up in a secret abusive relationship. So I hid from everyone… eventually confessed and was dismissed… hallelujah. I guess one abuse sheltered me from another, so that’s pretty messed up. Obviously, I am still working through… everything. But here’s the good news. Jesus has met me in my confusion and said “I Love You. I am with you.” And that’s pretty great.

Anonymous says:
April 21, 2010 at 4:27 PM

“I have to wonder if the leadership is aware that this spiritual abuse is going on, and if so, why does it seem that no steps are being taken to correct this trend? If fear and shame and arrogance are the Gospel they intend to preach at Teen Mania, I do not want any part of it. And regardless of whether it is intentional, it is prevalent; and the damage, for me, is still taking its toll.”

Thanks Lauren. I couldn’t have said this better.

kristen says:
April 21, 2010 at 6:05 PM

thank you lauren for continuing to share your story. i was in your class, but i’m not too sure if i know you… anyhow, thank you again for your courage and honesty, i can really relate to your story.

Lauren says:
April 21, 2010 at 7:09 PM

Kristen – If you’re willing, send your email address to RA – it seems likely that we would know each other!

kristen says:
April 21, 2010 at 7:23 PM

lauren – i’ll do that now :]

Heather B says:
April 28, 2010 at 8:16 PM

thank you so much, i was an 08-09 intern and my experience was similar to yours, although i was sent home after my matching funds kicked in due to false accusations. i still have night mares about that place. i know that sounds corny, but its true.

Anonymous says:
April 28, 2010 at 9:55 PM

Heather,

That’s not corny. I was a January intern 2001 and still have certain feelings about the HA. They need to understand that ministry is about people. If you slaughter people in your quest for the great commission, you have missed the mark.

It’s about love for that’s why Christ died not so that we could go on some big conquest. Jesus saves, not TM

Recovering Alumni says:
April 28, 2010 at 10:55 PM

Heather – many of us have/had TM nightmares! In fact, that is something we’ve been talking about on the forums today. Come over and join us!

mom of ex-intern says:
April 28, 2010 at 11:54 PM

@ anon 9:55pm:
” They need to understand that ministry is about people. If you slaughter people in your quest for the great commission, you have missed the mark.
It’s about love for that’s why Christ died not so that we could go on some big conquest. Jesus saves, not TM”

You made several very good points! I pray that you are able to let the Lord heal you from those memories…

Shannon Kish says:
April 29, 2010 at 8:17 AM

Anon- I was a Jan 01 as well. Look me up and we can talk!

Anonymous says:
May 9, 2010 at 6:41 PM

Lauren,
I deeply appreciate you sharing this with everyone. It must have been hard to re-live some of this stuff in order to articulate your experience and that takes true courage. I found this website a few hrs ago and haven’t been able to stop reading it, I’m an alumni myself and so many of these things I can relate to. Again thank you so much, and I hope that you find the healing you need, you’ve encouraged me to look back a few years and finally attempt to sort through the guilty, offended, and confused feelings I had after spending 3 years with teen mania only to be fired by the least truithful person I may ever have met, so he could look good for his boss by “saving money” btw his boss had just built a brand new large brick house with a lot more than the 20 “wasted” dollars he spent an hour guilt tripping me about. I guess I should put my story up here soon. Thanks Lauren.

Lauren says:
May 9, 2010 at 7:40 PM

Thank you so much for the encouragement, Anon. Writing out my story was such a major healing experience in itself. And sharing it with others has really helped free me of the burden I carried for so long. This website has been eye-opening in the best way. I would definitely encourage you to at least write out your experiences for yourself. And this is a great place to share, especially if you’ve been holding the hurt and confusion inside for so long.

Anonymous says:
June 29, 2010 at 11:28 AM

I passed out from the fasting retreat, too. I felt sick from a combination of not sleeping/eating, and after I passed out went to lay down in the bunks. My advisor came in immediately after someone “tattled” on me for laying down when we were supposed to be in the auditorium for a session. She told me I wasn’t allowed to sleep and she was going to let me lie down, but for only 10 minutes. And that she was trusting my integrity to get back up and continue to join in the retreat after just 10 minutes of “rest” (after passing out!)
When I told my mom this on the phone she was outraged, and justifiably so. I needed to eat and sleep, not be told to buck up and keep going. I shudder to think of the possibly deadly situations TM can get interns into with their lack of professional medical knowledge when they continually tell interns to suck it up and keep going in the face of serious medical problems.

Anonymous says:
June 29, 2010 at 11:36 AM

p.s. I wrote that last comment above at 11:28, and I just wanted to add, I was at the HA the same time you were (when the uniforms were introduced) except I was a GI. I helped “facilitate” ESOAL that year, and I just want to apologize if I ever did or said anything that was beyond the limits of loving guidance. I do have to say that I felt sick to my stomach after facilitating ESOAL, and after doing it just one day didn’t want to go back and do it again the next day. I did go back, but mostly just as an observer. I couldn’t stand to see the interns hurting so much (and they obviously were) and what I viewed as being abused (verbally, emotionally, etc). I know a lot of men got a thrill out of facilitating ESOAL, but I feel that most women did not. (I’m a female FYI).

Anonymous says:
June 29, 2010 at 11:40 AM

Did Emelia ever post her Honor Council story?? I read here in the comments she wanted to write it up. I’m dreadfully curious about that! I had an interaction with the HC (though not in the normal way of “going before them”). Anyway, just very curious as to Emelia’s thoughts.
🙂

Emelia says:
June 13, 2012 at 12:11 PM

Just reading through this again, and no, I never did. My life is full right now, with a baby and a lot going on, but I’ll see if I can do it.